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Posted 10/23/2011 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know why i am writing today...I am in alot of pain and sooo tired...I don't care about anything anybody...the shrink saw right thru my mask on Monday. Sheis my dtr's psychiatrist but after Katie left the room...she asked me point blank "Do you want to go to the hospital?" and the tears started flowing....it is safe there, peopel don't have all these expectations for you, you're not worrying how are ya gonna get dressed and drive to store for a loaf of bread....life out here is overwhelming and even if both psychiatrists I have seen in last 2 weeks, my family , as usual, expects the houuse to be clean, laundry done toilets scrubbed groceries etc etc...I don't look sick (just like fibro)if I had some terminal illness, they'd be falling all over thrmselves...well maybe not...Alot of people feel fibro and depression that somehow we brought this upon ourselves, we just don't try hard enough.

I lost my pain doc in March and have had virtually no pain meds since then (my disability is for chronic pain) I finally found one and see him 11/28-first open appt.

Hubby doesn't wanrt to know about pain or lack of sleep, his is always worse..so I cry in private, in the dark, in my car and I think well, Lord, you've tested me before mightily, but 6 years of this garbage is getting old. I have bad thoughts everyday, but would never follow thru b/c of my daughter

I feel like when I'lying in bed, I'm waiting, waiting....waiting for what? for someon to wave a magic wand  and cure me, for a miracle pill...I just don't how much longer I can wait...everything sux today. Virus on computer to boot-haha

I'm seriously thinking of going into the hospital and getting 2nd set of ects-what do you do when you've done everything else

Thank you to all my friends here for all yourr comfort

Maggie

Posted 10/23/2011 7:39 PM (GMT 0)
Well, the first thing I would do is stop the *#@^XZ&*! use of alcohol and anything with caffeine. And removal takes time for you to feel the positive effects. 2. Take meds prescribed by a psychiatrist, and 3. get proper rest--which might take some doing until you get the alcohol and
caffeine completely out of your system.

Why can't others living in the home have responsibilities for its

maintenance, as well?  Assign chores!

Why should everything "sux"? The positive has to be pushed where
the negative dwells!

Tough love works for oneself.

Hoping you feel better soon.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 10/23/2011 1:51:21 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/23/2011 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Maggie,

I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I G has a point, can you give your daughter some chores? Maybe even your husband??? Maybe not the husband, but surely Katie can do a little something to help. Have you told her how overwhelmed you are feeling? Can you talk to her about this?

Have you ever tried adderall? Or thought about it? It gives you the energy you lose with the fatigue from the fibromyalgia. I don't get all of my housework done ever. My house is a total wreck. And when I cook, I try to make things that last a few days so I don't have to cook everyday. You might want to think about doing something like that.

Can you give yourself permission to just sit and do nothing for a little while? Often when we do that, we can recouperate for a while. And things don't seem so overwhelming. Just think of one task at a time and focus on that. You may not get it all done, but you will get some done. Try not to beat yourself up over things. Just do what you can. When the day comes to an end then that is that. I seriously think it would be good for Katie to have weekly or daily chores. Washing dishes or something nightly. It would teach her responsibility. And help you. They need to be prepared for what it is like when you grow up. So learning now would benefit her.

Either way, I hope that you feel better. Don't hesitate to go to depression resources as you advise others if you are feeling in crisis. I think a few days in the hospital would do you good. They could see how much you actually do everyday. Your family I mean. You need a vacation. The world isn't going to crumble if you are gone a few days getting better. You will be much stronger when you come home. Think about it. You would be doing yourself and in the long run, your family, some good.

I really hope that you feel better soon Maggie.

Do keep posting so I know you are okay.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/23/2011 11:19 PM (GMT 0)
oh maggie...............................with many healing compassionate prayers and hugs i send to you. jamie
Posted 10/24/2011 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie, I am sorry to know you are feeling like this. The hospital seems like a good option for you. Several times I have wanted to go but didn't because of my son. Things can seem so overwhelming and trying to mask it is soooo hard. Like you said, crying alone in the dark, which when I think about it only makes the depression worse, sad and alone. Wishing you brighter moments. Always here for you.
Posted 10/24/2011 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
thanks y'all-virus kept me from getting til now-if you don't hear from me, don't worry-its the virus

Idrink maybe twice a year and never more than 2-3 drinks-it's gross and doesn't mix with meds. I have 2 cups of coffee in the am That is non-negotiable...I wish we could eat healthier but we live on social security and they want $2 for a lb of squash(we couldn't give it away back in the day.

Oh I've done plenty of tough love on myself, otherwise I'd have taken the eassy way out. I think I'm allowed to whine just like everyone else...I am normally a positive member...so let me have a bad day without getting on my case.

Karen-absolutely, Katie has to pick up some slack...right now she's responsible for her laundry and her room and bathroom. But she can Swiffer(all bamboo floors so beautiful and so high maintenance and dust...hubby is very messy (like a large 6 yr old) but helps IF he feels like it.

Yes stillme I hesitate because of Katie too but I'm not doing her much good here...she has had trouble with me going in before'cause they don't get along...my husband can NEVER understand why I go in and visits and tells me about all the problems on the outside and how I need to get out, and yes, that is my fault. I've been father, mother, financial manger, health advisor etc. for many years. I used to not mind, but cannot do it any more...

I try to stay positive but sometimes positive is bullcrap and phony and the demons win and I won't apologize for that...if we can't be honest here, then where? Will try to touch base tomorrow. I 'm going to try to get a family session soon and we can hash this out.

I appreciate all your support and honesty-just got tired of being supportive and positive and it felt phony, so I let my evil twin come out and play-lol. I could not "Fake it til you make it" today and I'm glad I have you and this forum, truly.

Much love
Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
And yes, I would like to get back on adderall, it helped with focus and concentration. Good idea Karen...I think having epidurals and pain management again will help...it's hard to feel good about yourself when every movement hurts(and I do do weights)

Later
Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 1:12 AM (GMT 0)
here for you. jamie ♥
Posted 10/24/2011 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
I don't think it is a bad thing to let out a negative mood once in a while. It does no one any good to bottle it all away and exhibit a fake smile through everything. Sometimes you need to cry, or get angry, or just curl up in a ball and wish for it all to go away. It takes a strong person to remain positive through everything, but even that same person needs a moment to "let it all out."

I think that putting on a false positive for too long is part of the "but you don't look sick" response to these types of diseases. We play nice, happy, hard working, even when we feel awful inside. But then when we let that awful out it is the opposite of what people are used to and they take it the wrong way. But we are only human. We can only take so much.

I also know what it is like to try and eat well but be thwarted by life's circumstances. I still live at home with my parents and I am limited to what they buy (if they buy anything), and it is rarely healthy. I don't have much extra money to go shopping for myself, and honestly, I'd rather save that extra money than live completely paycheck to paycheck.

I hope your family session goes well. Don't feel guilty for letting it out once in a while. Some things need to be put into writing or words so you can release them from your mind, if only for a little while.
Posted 10/24/2011 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
thank you my friend-I'm glad youa re jamiee

Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Maggie,
Last week I felt so desperate that I wanted to drive myself to the hospital but couldn't because of my son. I know how hard it is to take care of yourself but worry who is going to take care of my child. My husband gets very stressed and angry when I'm depressed and takes it out on everyone so I'm always worried that he will be yelling at my son if I leave him alone with dad. It doesn't happen all the time but its already starting to happen.
By reaching out to all of you I have been feeling much better and don't feel like I need the hospital. I promise if I do I will drive myself and take care of myself. I hope you can do the same to take care of yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself.

thinking of you and sending you well wishes.
cookie
Posted 10/24/2011 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
It's fine that you let it out. I agree with Alaskah, taking it all, smiling through everything. We can only take so much. Sending you strength and comfort.
Posted 10/24/2011 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie,

I hope that you have a good night...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/24/2011 2:29 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie, I know you post some over on the CP forum, but please forgive me for not recalling everything you have tried in managing your fibro.

Have you tried Cymbalta, Lyrica or even Neurontin? If not talk to your PCP about giving one of these a try. Since they are not narcotics most PCP's do not have a problem with prescribing them. Of course if you have already been down the road with these med, forget I mentioned it.
Posted 10/24/2011 3:24 AM (GMT 0)
thanks cookie and stillme and jamiee etc for youthoughts and prayers.
Hi Jim-I have no neuropathy with my fibro . My pain is like shin splints all over my body or bon on bonr. I know neurotin is for neuropathy. Are Cymbalta and Lyrica? We just aded abilify but I don' think Medicare will want to pay for any "cadillac" drugs and I cannot afford the 20-30% we get to pay. So, not trying to be nega tivetive uh oh virus is kicking in (computer) there are several meds I want to try but would be unrealistic. My low cost meds are provided by Catholic Charities and volunteer pharmacists, bless their hearts.

Thanks for thinking of those and traveling all the way over here-lol
Y'all are the best-we'd make a great party wouldn't we?

Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 4:09 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie

Today is my first day on this website. I didn't read everyone's post but do you have a church home. Ask them to pray for you and your family. Can you share with me one good thing that happened today or this week that will make you smile or us laugh? Just trying to bring a smile to your face and mine :-)

Have a good day

Smile 1
Posted 10/24/2011 10:30 AM (GMT 0)
how are ya today maggie? luv jamie
Posted 10/24/2011 10:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jackie-

I remember your name from another forum but forgot which. How sweet of you to comeover and lend a hand,that is why I love this place. Yes, I do have a church who is looking after me in tht department.

I do 5 gratitudes every day so let's see
1. this forum
2. I have a roof over my head that is paid for and so many don't
3.I have a healthy child
4.I have 2 goofy dogs that can always make me smile
5.we live on the bayou so I am surrounded everyday of His creation

How's that? I usually keep positive and I read the Bible some days=just had a pity party yesterday

Thank youso much for you thoughts

Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
better jamiee...and you?
Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Maggie,

Hope that you are feeling better today. We are suppose to have one more sunny day I guess and then rain for a week. ugh... So I have to get out and enjoy the last nice day today. Wish me luck as I don't feel up to snuff today. But have been worse so....

Keep us posted on how you are doing. We all care about you here...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/24/2011 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Morning Karen
Sorry to hear you're not up to par this time-and it is Monday modning...enjoy yr sunny day and then eat some soup on ainy days. I too learned as a food service manager to cook in large batches, so I always have some to treeze and makes a easy dinner on bad nights. They found abilify samples once I got dept head shrink involved...she did my ects so she knows me...it seemed to help at first now, no (maybe dosage too low) but Katie's new shrink is a real mover and shaker over there. Kate's on 150xl of welbutrin, hopefully that will be enough and no stimulants. Medicare has not even approved it and co-pay might be out of reach-why is everything always so complicated-lol?????

Do you guys ever do a scheduled chat anymore. I remember fibro had them years ago?

Any luck with email issue? We have a re-direct virus that norton and McAfee do not even recognize, so very frustrating...if you don't hear from me it's the scour virus

Take care

Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
We haven't had scheduled chat for awhile, did chronic pain start theirs back up yet? Most people seem to go into the chatrooms in the evenings. Often if you just go sit in a room, somebody will join you. People check, but if they don't see anyone, they just go on their way. I haven't been to chat in forever. Maybe it is time to go again.

Nah, computer still has issues, hotmail does. But I am going to give it a little time, they mentioned that it could be temporary.

The sun is trying to come out. I am going to get dressed and walk my dog. I still haven't gotten dressed yet. Getting slower on that with the colder days. Winter is coming. Sometimes I don't go out at all. Good to have a computer on those days... Get to talk to you all.

I hope all goes well for you and Katie. Your husband too. If he felt better, it would probably be a lot easier on all.

My copay for abilify is really high. My pdoc writes it for twice the mg and I cut them in two and they last me two months. Talk to your doc about that to save you on copays. Other than having to cut the pills, it works out. Plus they give me some samples if I need. It has been a remarkable drug for me. I hope that it is still working for you. I get the 20mg which are round. No line to cut so I have to be really careful. I have another med that I have to break in two also. Makes for fun when filling the old pillbox. But I get through it. With all my supplements and meds, I have to have a large pill box. Then I do my husband's also. So Saturday evenings are basically that. lol...

Keep posting Maggie. I hope that the virus doesn't stop you. Wish I had some answers for you. I use to have Malaware I think it was called. It was free and got rid of a virus for me. I had a virus called antivirus. It sure was a pain in the butt for me. Kept crashing my computer.

I hope that you have a lovely day on the bayou. Send some warmth this way...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/24/2011 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
Don't you have a pill cutter, like 3 bucks at drugstore. Sometimes they don't cut that well but at least half of the pill doesn't go flying off and under the sofa-lol

Beeeutiful day, nights are 50s, days 80. This is a great time here-hope weather stays nice for my sister's visit.
Oh really good news. I was scheduled 11/28 for my new pain doc, first avaailable. His office just called w/ cancellation, and I see him next week....things are looking up, they always do, noe we need to lift Jamie up a little (hear that down under?)

Have a nice afternoon Karen

Maggie
Posted 10/24/2011 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
I am really happy that your appointment got moved up. That is really good news. I hope that the pain doc helps you. Some start you out on tramadol. Then to vicodin, and up if you need it. Have you ever had tramadol? It doen't do anything for me. I take norco. It isn't a very strong narcotic. But it does help with the pain. I know eventually I will need something stronger. But until then... I also take celebrex for arthritis pain. But not often as it bothers my stomache.


Are you going to an actual pain clinic? Or a pain management doctor? My doc is a do.

I hope that you are having a good evening. I just took a hot apple pie out of the oven. Hubby picked me up some french vanilla icecream. So in a few, I am going to dig in. I made a real full pie, because last time he said it was too small. lol... I made it in a deep dish pan this time. It should be plenty of apples. Actually too many, it ran over. Oh well...

Take care Maggie.

Hugs, Karen

PS  I have a pill cutter Maggie, but it doen't cut them straight.  I do better with the knife.  One kind has a line, and I can break them with my fingers. 

Posted 10/24/2011 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
oooooh, so good. with ice cream melting on hot pie. My favorite was apple crisp w/ vanilla ice cream.

Dr Tsang is an anesthesiologist certified in pain management. Tramadol does nuttin' for me either. I have been going to PM docs since 06, but been without since March and am I paying for it. It has really amped up depression and anxiety, so we'll see what happens. I need an epidural for my sciatica and hydros and flexerils to function. My house and life stay in relatively in order when my pain level goes downto a 3. I'm sure you understand.

At one point I was on fentanyl valium and oxycodone. I was a mess, they busted that doc 3 months after I left him-whew!!

Have a slice of pie for me and a good night

Maggie
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