Am I really such a good liar?

I've been getting A LOT of comments from people at work that I seem "so much happier" in my new position as an HR lead (I was the sales leader for a clothing department in the same store for 7 months, then took over HR the end of August due to health problems and the less physical work load). Sure, HR is a bit closer to my educational background (psychology), but I have never hated a job more, nor been more miserable in general, than right now.

I try to smile and be as friendly as possible to everyone because I care about them, and I am trying to make good of this experience in retail to help develop my social skills. But I have found myself crying more and more, everyday, to the point where I've nearly broken down a few times at work. And everyone thinks I'm so much happier!

I guess I've just been feeling lately like it never does really get any better. Last year I swore I'd apply to grad school and I didn't have the money. This year I swore I'd apply and I got very, very sick a few months ago and decided it wasn't a good idea until I've gone through treatment. Now I swear I'll apply next year, but I don't know if it's really ever going to happen. It's all I've had to look forward to in years, and it's all slipping away.

When I was a teenager I was also severely depressed and filled with anxiety. I remember thinking, if I just hold on a little longer, it will all get better after high school, after college. But it just keeps getting worse. The "best years" of my life are gone, and the ONLY memories I have are with ex-boyfriends and friends who treated me terribly. The only good memories I can think of (and they are few), are from well before my teenage years. Most of it I don't remember at all.

I think it's one thing to have depression suddenly for a few months. But I'm starting to think that since over half my life has been crippled with it, I just have a genetic predisposition to be unhappy and nothing and no one will ever change that.

I finally made a Dr. appointment for Tuesday. I will talk to him about medication - I really don't want to do counseling. I know I won't talk at all, and it will just be a waste and increase my anxiety and decrease my self-esteem. I've tried it before and had a terrible experience. I know anti-depressants don't make you happy, but I do need the mood stabilizing effects so I am not breaking down in the workplace.

I know everyone here is tired of feeling this way. It is awful. It takes away so much of your life. All we can do is hope that it really will get better...

I don't believe that counseling is for everyone. I have no desire to talk to a stranger in-person, so I will likely just sit there and give them nothing to work with. That was part of my bad experience before. That and the psychiatrist told my parents EVERYTHING I did manage to say to her, without asking me. My parents hadn't even asked about it...she just told them anyway and said I was "thickheaded" and then dismissed me after 3 visits and said I was fine.

My biggest problem is just having no one in my life. I was fine for the last 2 years when I was at least seeing someone, and now I'm completely alone. Just meeting someone to go out on a date with would change my whole world. But I can't meet them at work. And there are no opportunities elsewhere in my area aside from a bar. I do not "believe" to attend church, and I live in such a small town that there is just nothing there for people my age - all of the organizations are run by people 2-3 times my age, and that does not offer the same connection even for a friendship.

Faking smiling and laughing make me feel considerably worse. Knowing that they wouldn't want to be anywhere near me if they knew the "real" me (since no one wants to be around someone who is always unhappy).

We happened to have a foreign exchange student living with us at the time, and I am an only child. As soon as the psychiatrist found out about the exchange student, I think she latched onto the idea that I was just seeking attention, even though it had taken years for me to get up the courage to talk to my mom about going. She was a little nuts herself, I think...we mostly just talked about college since I didn't trust her to talk about more personal things most of the time. She told me her son - who was in 9th grade at the time - already knew what scholarships he was applying to, what colleges he was applying to, where he would go if admitted, etc. How many people have that all figured out at 15 years old?? I still wonder if that plan actually unfolded as she had hoped, or if he changed his mind about his major at the last moment and where he wanted to apply, heh.

I think the thickheaded comment was because I didn't open up to talk much, and I didn't want to study at a college abroad. At the time I wanted to be a graphic design major and she kept trying to push me to consider schools in Italy. I can't believe that woman came so highly recommended by my former family doc. I later found out the psychiatrist's specialty was marriage counseling...not even counseling children/adolescents or issues of depression and anxiety. So it was just a bad experience all around.

Even though I was a minor, counselors are still supposed to respect privacy, and if parents ask, the counselor should explain to them the importance of keeping a child's trust and confidentiality. Of course, if the parents persist then the counselor must share. Or if there is information about self-harm or harming someone else. That woman openly volunteered the little bit of information I shared, my parents had not even asked for it.

Probably one of those cases where the woman went into that profession for the money, not to help people. If I ever did do counseling, I would choose a clinician/psychologist and not a psychiatrist.

Yes, I was going to suggest online sites, since it is hard for you to open up face to face w/ a stranger. my daughter says the same thing. I told her to give counselor 2 or 3 visits, if she still "hates" them, we will change. I must agree, her 1st 2 are no great shakes.

Alaskah, if you do find someone or someplace to go and it clicks, I think you will see great progress..obviously you are an articulate intelligent person with great depth. Sometimes "masking" our true feelings can make us feel worse, sometimes I start to believe myself_lol

I'm glad you are seeing md on tuesday, it's a first step.Please keep posting and just promise you will try to keep an open mind. I had terrible experience w/ a shrink when I was 16 also...but have seen a few really good ones

Take care dear
Maggie