Having trouble...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about two years, and I love him, but I've been so dependent on him for everything that I feel like I really should be on my own for a while or else I'll never figure out how to do it. I'm 21 years old and I feel so hopeless and helpless. I want to get better but I feel like I'm addicted to him. I have no one else to support me really...emotionally no friends or family there for me :( Any advice on how to become more independent?

Finding friends outside of your relationship is helpful. If you work or go to school and have somebody in mind, ask them out for a cup of coffee, very casually. Maybe a neighbor?

I know I isolate myself, but I still interact here and with my family, have lots of acquaintances, need to cultivate friends.

BTW, welcome to our forum...there are great people here and always good listeners...we have been thru it all...don't be afraid to ask, ok?
others will add to my post I'm sure.

Stick around, we love new people
Maggie

well done on the therapy. can be hard work, but it is worth it. therapy junkie i am. keep posting, we care about you. with healing compassion, jamie.

I don't have a job right now, but I've been doing medical research studies to earn money (good money, but scary potential side effects).. he hasn't taken care of me financially like paying for my bills but I'm completely dependent on him emotionally. This is the first night I've been away from him voluntarily in a long time...it's so hard. I don't know why I have such a hard time. He doesn't mind that I rely on him but he knows it's causing me alot of pain feeling like this. I like having someone there for me, but this has become suffocating for both of us I think. I wish I had other friends in real life...but it's comforting to have you all to talk to

Elfenprincess,

I think that it is very thoughtful of you to realize that you relied on him so much. I actually am in the same situation, but on the other side. My girlfriend and I were together for two years; within those two years, I always encouraged her to maintain friendships and relationships with family, but she never did. She relied on me for A LOT. It did not bother me one bit, but I think it must have been hard on her when I spent time away from her with family and friends. Because she had not maintained those relationships, she seemed somewhat resentful at times. Recently she has taken time away from me and in reading your posts, I have a strong idea that she must have some of the same feelings you do. I miss her like crazy, but you know what?? I'm more proud of her than anything. I am proud of you too- this is a very big challenge and I know you will succeed.

Do you have any hobbies? Sports can be a good way to meet people while still doing something for yourself. Tennis for one, is a very social sport and you could meet lots of people that way. I know some communities have walk/run groups... maybe you would be interested in that? Like someone else suggested, asking an acquaintance or neighbor out for coffee is casual enough to start without being overwhelming for either of you.

Reaching out and taking risks with new friendships can be scary, but if you know it is what you need, you will overcome that fear. My other advice to you is that if you truly care about your boyfriend, do the best that you can to explain the way you are feeling to him. I know that, also, can be tough. He will likely have questions and not clearly understand, but that is because he cares. Just like it will be hard for you to be away from him, its very hard for him too.

In the end, you will have more independence. I have learned from this forum that taking care of ourselves is of utmost importance in order for us to be able to take care of others when necessary. Remember though, being independent doesn't mean you have to take on the world alone. Now, instead of only having your boyfriend to rely on, you will have other friendships as well. We all need someone at one time or another... if you care about him, make it clear that this is about YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

One more thing... Because you are realizing changes that you want to make in yourself, it also means your relationship with your boyfriend will change. Although me and my girlfriend and not "together" right now, I do know that if/when that day comes again, our relationship will not go back to being the way it was, and that's a good thing. She will be more independent and able to offer more in the relationship, just like you will with your boyfriend. Changes are sometimes scary, but they are necessary for improvements in any part of life.

Being able to post in the forum has really helped me and I hope it is useful for you too. Good luck!

When you ask "Do you feel better now that we (my girlfriend and me) are apart for now?"... that's a very good question and a tough one to answer. She had slipped into a state of depression, but it took me four months to catch on to what was going on. In those four months, she had become more reserved and didn't want to do anything with me, or anyone for that matter. It had gotten to the point where she could only sleep around me; she wasn't comfortable being alone at her house. I thought she had lost interest in the relationship, but was afraid to tell me. Needless to say, I was very confused for four months.

When she admitted her feelings and decided to get help, I felt somewhat relieved that none of her behavior had been personal or directed specifically at me. The kicker was her needing "time". She didn't give me much of an explanation... Just that she thought it was better that we "not be around each other right now". We met last week for the first time in two months and I can tell she she still very confused about what has happened. She doesn't know what happened with her, or in our relationship. I think that like you, she wants to stand on her own two feet. It was all a huge shock to me in the beginning and like your boyfriend, I felt like my world has just crumbled down. I kept thinking... "How could she just wake up one day and not want to be with me???"

I won't say that I feel better because I definitely don't like having her gone, but I try to look at it as necessary changes for happy lives. Just like you are afraid that your boyfriend will not wait or that he may want you out of his life, I can nearly guarantee he is having the same questions (at least I know I do!) I try to take one day at a time. As I've learned, it's not about ME at all, its about HER. She may WANT to be with me, but she knows that right now she NEEDS to learn independence. Does that make sense? Our needs SHOULD overcome our wants, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Before, I said that I was proud of both of you-- do you know how difficult it is to figure out what you need and act on it? VERY. I am sure that your heart is in pieces and it stinks that there is no avoiding it. You are doing what is best for you and that is what is important. If you and your boyfriend truly love each other, you will both grow from the time apart (again, that's what I tell myself).

Reading your posts gives me comfort. You said that you worry your boyfriend will get tired of waiting... guess what?!?! I have the exact OPPOSITE worry. The coincidence makes me smile, I'm glad I can share the "other side". Sometimes, I think she must not think of me at all, not care if I "got tired of waiting", maybe that she doesn't want me to "wait" for her at all. I try to keep contact daily through texts... she doesn't say much, but I always say "goodnight". I feel like I can't push her to stay in touch, but it is much better that no contact at all like the past 2 months. I feel like by at least saying goodnight I'm being consistent... showing that I'm still there. What do you think about that?

Try not to worry about your boyfriend or what decisions he may make because ultimately, you can't control his decisions. Hopefully, he will learn ways to comfort himself in your absence and learn other coping techniques in life. Keep posting in the forum! There is always someone "listening" and many people here are so helpful :)

Dlfenprincess,

You are looking at this in a very mature way. Looking out for his happiness is very giving. Realizing that he might be happy with somebody else is very disheartening, but you are very mature for feeling the way that you do. I hope you two stay together, it sounds like you really and truly love eachother.

Hugs, Karen

Green Bean,

I am interupting, but I just wanted to say that I think it is wonderful that you are going to be doing the volunteer work. I use to make Christmas wreaths for the local animal shelter to sell. I can't do it anymore, but it always felt so good when I did. Doing a selfless act does bring us much joy. I am glad that you are doing what you are doing.

Best wishes to all.

Hugs, Karen

I'm going to try to find things to fill my time...I've been wanting to volunteer for a while, so I'll look into that. Also trying to get back into writing for fun, and going to the gym if I can get motivated enough ;)

I am going to rejoin the gym too!! I really dislike the gym, but it'll be a good way to spend time and tone up :)

Writing is very expressive. I met up with a friend today... She said she used to complete coloring books, just to have the sense of accomplishment. She also gave me a series of books to read so that I can "escape" to a magical place.