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Living with depression by depressedmomma

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Posted 11/12/2011 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone. I have been watching these forums for a couple of weeks. I am impressed with the true caring & compassion I see from the members of this forum. You have made me feel 'safe' enough to allow others to know what no one else knows. I have so many great thread topics running through my mind. How many get posted, well we shall see.

A Lil about me... I am a mother of 2 children, 5 & 6 yrs. I have been battling Major Depression & Anxiety, on & off for 15 years. Depression has taken many things from me. What I am currently dealing with is fatigue & lack of motivation. I believe I have CFS, but have never been diagnosed. I could sleep almost all day if I could. My kids are the only thing that gets me out of bed. My desire to care for my children's needs, forces me to push through my depression. However, my house is a mess, and I would never let anyone come over! Everyday I battle with myself. I HATE that my house is not clean, but I cannot get myself to do it. And 'round & 'round I go! My family says, "Just get up & Do it!" I would if it were that easy!

I have so much Guilt, Anger & Frustration built up. I want to do more for my family, but just can't! I am so low that I do not find pleasure in anything but sleep & TV. After taking care of the kids, I have nothing left. I do not shower enough, brush my teeth or hair enough. Before having children, I trained horses. they were my passion. But my hubby thought I cared more about the horses than the kids. Which was NOT true! I was forced to give up horses & stay home with the kids. That was 4 years ago.

I recently ditched the controlling man, and am trying to find myself again. Many more layers to the story. But you get the jist of it.

Again, I think you are all wonderful people & I am looking forward to getting to know you all better.


cool cool

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 11/12/2011 2:33:01 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/12/2011 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Depressedmomma,

I gave your thread a topic. It will get noticed more that way.

You are going through a lot right now. So don't be beating yourself up over it. And it is so easy to say "just get up and do it". Obviously they don't understand depression. Raising kids is hard enough without depression.

Do you have any pain? If you do, you might have fibromyalgia. The fatigue is a part of that. But it is also a part of depression. I have fibro and spent two years in bed. I am not exagerating either. I listened to life go on without me through the bedroom window. It was sad. But I am much better now. With medications.

Are you going to any counseling? I highly recommend it. You are going to have to start out slow. I would call the dept. of mental health or ask around about a good counselor. Maybe you can get some feedback from some people you know. Then I would start taking a short walk everyday. It clears the mind and makes you feel good. Try to shower. I find that taking one in the morning is easiest for me. Then I get it over with. I find that is the first thing that goes for me when I am depressed. My self nurturing. Especially shaving my legs and stuff like that. I just don't care enough to remember to do it.

Try to connect with a friend that you can trust to talk about your issues to. But make sure you can trust them. And most of all, remember you have us. We will always be here for you. It sounds like you could use a little help with medication too. So I would talk to your doctor, maybe get a complete physical too. To see if anything else is up. I would have my vitamin D3 levels checked too if you can. Mine were very low. Yours could be too. Especially with the days getting shorter. The weather really effects me and we have been having a lot of clouds, rain and snow. But today is sunny so I feel a little better.

Keep posting, And welcome to the group.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/12/2011 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Welcom depressedmomma from another depressed mama-

This IS a great place for support and advice, these people are so warm and caring..they are my new life supporrt system-lol.


The anger, guilt all sounds very familiar. How BAD is the house? I have toi force myself to do basics, bathrooms, vacuuming, dishes and laundry...hubby helps with cooking.

Right now I am so tired I can't keep writing, I'll come back in the am and talk some more

Sorry
Maggie
Posted 11/13/2011 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Momma,
I was just about to post with the same EXACT feelings. First of all, I want to say that I don't know how you get thru it with having children, and I commend you for pushing thru for them. You are a good mother!

I have been so ashamed of how low I have gotten that I haven't told my doc or therapist. I also spend a lot of time in bed. If I'm not asleep, I am reading, watching TV or on the computer but while sitting up in bed. I even eat my meals in bed. I sleep for 12 hrs at a go, and wake up tired anyway.
I also am so tired that I don't shower or take care of myself as I should.

Most days, I get up, take care of the cats litter/food/water, and go back to bed until it is time to take care of them again in the evening.

I either eat too little or way too much. If it doesn't go in the microwave, I don't eat. My house is a wreck. I just can't find the energy/motivation to clean. Dishes sit in the sink for days.

I have bad joint/muscle pain, and headaches almost every day. I do take my meds. I do manage to work part time 3 days a week, but I have to drag myself to do it and I have missed work because I could not make it out of bed.

I also feel very guilty & ashamed at my behavior but I can't seem to shake this. I'm afraid to tell the doc/therapist because I can't afford to go into the hospital...I have to work to make my bills and there is no savings. I feel like I am drowning, and I am beginning to have some bad thoughts...
I just thought I'd post so u know u aren't alone in this...and to tell you I am sorry you have to feel this way and that I know how awful it is. Keep posting...
Posted 11/13/2011 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
Evrblue,

Keep hanging in there. I have had no motivation lately either, when I read your post, I don't feel so guilty. I am not the only one. Doing the basics is hard. Working a job makes it harder. I hope that you don't have to go to the hospital. Take care of you the best that you can.

Know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/13/2011 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
There is nothing to be ashamed of - so many people go through this. I am only 24 and for years now I have had chronic pain, fatigue, and severe depression, and everyone just thought I was lazy because of my age. You really need to share with your therapists what is going on so they can help you. These issues will not be new to them, and they will certainly not look down on you for sharing (at least, no good therapist would, and if they do then you need to ditch them immediately!).

Your kids and pets are a great motivation to keep going. My dog is like a kid to me, and even if I'm tired and in a terrible mood, she can make me smile and play with her. Even the effort you put forth to help them out is a significant goal to celebrate each day. There are some people out there who don't even bother to care for anyone else and neglect their kids/pets.
Posted 11/13/2011 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Depressed mama.....I agree with Karen...this may be fibro..( have you seen a rhuematologist) maybe start there, they can do some tests to see if this is a possibilty. I am so sorry you are feeling so down that you feel like you can not even keep your house clean,shower,brush your hair) I do know that feeling...maybe make a to do list an each day force yourself to do 1 item each day, I know this is easier said then done but I find if I do things one at a time. You are a good mom just keep remembering each day how much they need you. Be patient as sometimes it takes a while to find the right meds. Keep in touch there are lots a good people on this forum. It sure helps when others know what you are going thru......Amy

Dear Evrblue...I am so sorry you are feeling so down, however I think you need to share more with your doc an therapist if you don't they will not be able to guide you properly. I also think you should should try a rhuematologist as you also sound like fibromyalasia. There is not a thing to be ashamed of...people get sick. keep in touch i know you feel at the end of your rope but things can get better with the proper meds..hang in there you are a strong woman......Amy
Posted 11/13/2011 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
my healing compassionate prayers to you all.

welcome depressed mama.

~jamie
Posted 11/13/2011 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome Depressedmomma. I am also a depressed momma, but I thank God for my little boy. Not so little anymore, turned 11 last month. He is definitely keeping me going. I also want to stay in the bed, but have to get up for him. I also work. I am a teacher that works with children that are unable to go to school because of sickness or injury. I only have to work one on one, thank goodness, so my focus is pretty good and I only have to stay with each child for an hour. I can push myself through this because these children are so strong. Some of them are really sick.

My son was sick this past week and I was glad to have to stay home with him. We both stayed in the bed. House work goes undone. There is a sink full of dishes down there right now.

Evrblue and Depressedmomma hope you feel better soon.
Posted 11/13/2011 7:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hello again everyone, thanks again for your kind words / advice.
I did manage a shower and fixed myself a meal, went to the store. More than I 've done in the last 4-5 days.
I'm just so darn tired.

I'm gonna come clean with my therapist on Tues and I am making an appt with the psych doc on Monday.
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