I think I've gone nuts

I am thankful for my appointment tomorrow, as I do not think my state of mind will begin to get any better without medication. I have tried on my own for three months now and although there were slivers of light, I'm just not stable enough to handle anything. I stayed in bed half of today before coming to work since I am sick and just don't feel well. I am going to contact a priest and ask that he meet with me to also help me. So many appointments, so many outcries for help... I feel pathetic.

I asked a friend to come with me tomorrow and she just "doesn't understand" why I "dont get over it". I tried to explain that this situation has opened a Pandora's box of emotions, dating back to childhood. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, physical and sexual abuse, but worst off, emotional abuse. She says I "just ALLOW these things to bother me and I'm not taking control", that I'm not trying. She says my worst problem is having free time and that I haven't done enough to make sure that doesn't happen. I understand everyone is getting frustrated, but I have tried as well as I know how, that is why I turned to my family because things weren't working. I started volunteering, working weekends, reading books, learning new things.... it's not like I just "gave up".

I have lost all my self worth. Before I dated this girl, I dated a guy who left me to be with his ex before me. We are now friends and I let him know how traumatic it has been for me. He explained that leaving for another state had absolutely nothing to do with me, that it was his shame at his behavior and not completing school. Normal Courtney would just accept that for what he said, but this Courtney is still tearing herself apart, trying to figure out why he chose to stop loving me... I'M CRAZY. This ex is taking his time to talk with me, explain his shameful behavior of the past and it just isn't clicking. I really hope things are just out of balance right now and that medication will help lift the fog so that I can process things correctly.

I am so desperate to be loved by others that I sacrifice my needs and deny my emotions. I wanted her to love me so badly that I forgot what I needed for 4 months, maybe longer. I don't think it's the first time, I think it is repeated behavior. I am SICK. That is not normal behavior, nor is it healthy. What if I can't ever fix it? How do I make sure that I never fall here again? My birthday is three months away and I'd rather disappear than remember my party last year, with ex by my side. It just feels like it will NEVER be better and I've tried for three months already.

What medications are given for anxiety? Are they long term or are they only temporary prescriptions? I think I need something long term... this has been at least 4 years that my life has been consumed with worry and the physical effects.

Today I am doubting myself more than ever. Not only does it not feel like it will ever get better, but I believe I'm not strong enough to make it better. If my ex could just magically "snap out" of her depression (which I SWEAR she's still depressed, just hiding) why can't I hide? And I mean that as, I don't KNOW how to hide from it. Drink? party? date someone new? Is that how you shove down all the bad feelings? My bad feelings are sitting right on my chest, making it hard to breathe. How do people mask that without getting better??

I am overwhelmed with pain that has become not only mental, but physical. I sent an e-mail to the priest asking for help. I know that people can't drop what they are doing to help me... but I wish they could. The problem is that, no one can fix this but me. It just seems like everything I tried didn't work. I had started to feel better... I was focusing on me. Knowing that she is dating someone else is just too much.

Moreso, it's feeling like I was abandoned again for someone else. I am always left because "I am too good." One ex last night said to me, "If I would have come back three months after I left when I called you, do you really think things would have worked out? No, you probably wouldn't have been able to even consider giving me a second chance for what I did to you". So instead of trying and making effort to fix things with me, people just write themselves off, saying that I wouldn't ever be with them again. I'm not a monster!!!! I know forgiveness, especially with those I love!!! Knowing how happy I made her and thinking that someone else can make her that happy is just impossible. I was different or so I thought. I'm not all I cracked up to be :(

Thanks beagleman. I rcd an email back from the priest and he says he will call tonight. Maybe between that call and the dr appt, tomorrow will be a better day. I just don't know how things got to be this difficult.

I'm sorry to hear how your friend responded to you. The worst thing we can be told is to "just get over it" or "try harder." It isn't that simple, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

Like tmjpain said, you are being too hard on yourself. This is a difficult time for you, and you need to do what you have to in order to heal and get on with your life. With the pain you are in, do you feel it is beneficial or harming you to remain friends with your ex's? This is a difficult kind of friendship to maintain when feelings still linger.

As for anxiety meds, many anti-depressants are also prescribed for anxiety. I was on Zoloft when I was a teenager for anxiety, and I am on it again now for depression. I had also tried Lexapro for a while. I don't have experience with other medications but there are many and I know others here have more experiences to speak from.

I hope you are able to find some comfort in the support of your priest and doctor.

I understand the pain you're going through :( break ups have got to be one of the hardest things, especially if you've poured your heart and soul into them...being away from the person and still wondering if they're ok, etc can leave you feeling really lost. That's where I'm at. But asking for help is a good thing, I think, and nothing to be ashamed of...I'm currently seeing a therapist and considering getting back on medication, because in the end it's better for me than having to suffer alone or pretend things are just ok. Hang in there *hugs* things will get better <3

You sound a lot older than 22. Very mature...

I sure hope all goes well for you. You are trying and that is what counts. Keep up the good work. Good luck with the new meds. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen

Thinking about you Bean (I call my daughter that too!!) sounds like you are alittle calmer and I hope the meds snafu doesn't hit you too hard. Didi your friends come?

Hang in there-I'm rooting for you
Maggie

Greenbean, It sounds like you are going through alot of what I myself am going through. Losing somebody dosen't always have to mean that they have passed away. don't be hard on yourself, try to stay positive, and give yourself time to grieve. We are all here for you !!

Blessings, Michelle

greenbean...sending positive thoughts your way. I am so sorry for all you are going through, I will keep you in my prayers and hope things get better soon.


Bless you, Amy

You will work though this. I have confidence in you. One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen