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That Time of Year I Fear

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Posted 12/14/2011 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm new on here. Just felt the need to reach out, and I know you all must understand that. It starts for me at Thanksgiving, the time when family should be together and give thanks for one another. I lost my mom to breast cancer, dad to lung cancer, step mom to leukemia...and I miss them all. Worse still, Son #1 has a wife who does not want to be a part of our family, so I do not see him, son#2 is a drug addict, alcoholic etc., and I have chosen not to have him in my life until he changes. Son#2 gave me one grandson whom I adore. I have reconciled with his ex so I can have my grandson back in my life again. That in itself was no easy feat and took me about two years to handle it properly. Son#2 gave me a granddaughter, two years ago. He and the baby's mother moved to Florida so she could go to grad school. The mom, as smart as she is, is also an alcoholic and a very mean drunk. There have been many brawls between the two which finally resulted in son#2 coming back to our state, and her moving in with someone else. Since then, she has been arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, and my granddaughter taken by CPS in Florida.

So when people this time of year ask how the family is, I am just put right on the spot. If I can deflect their questions enough so they stop asking, then I usually get stuck hearing all about their wonderful family and grandchildren, which leaves me feeling miserable. So considering all the above, for the past week I have been immensely depressed as I am every December. I want what every mother and grandmother wants, but I will never have. How do I get out of feeling like this. I cannot do anything about the way things are, I can't change them....but I can't live like this either. It HURTZ!!!
Posted 12/14/2011 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum Hurtz,

I agree, having no family around can be very lonely and does become huge in the holiday periods. I too have no family around, but for me, my friends are my family, my friends have given me much more than my family ever have. All of my friends understand that the small circle of frinds I do have are my family and they understand I have no family and so they include me into there families. I am an Aunt to many.

As I have made this clear to the people around me, people no longer ask after my family. New people that enter my life ask after family, I simply respong with the truth, 'I have no family". Generally this makes others feel slightly uncomfortable and they don't pry further, or if they try to, I respond with, 'it's a very long story, best saved for another day'.

I surround myself through my job with other peoples kids, and am able to distract myself from my heartache, as these kids need me to be present. This works for me, is there anywhere you can volunteer, so you feel you are helping others, you are wanted and needed; as we give to others, we too are filled.

I am sorry this time of year is tough for you, many here will completely understand your emotions
Posted 12/14/2011 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the post awty. Unfortunately I work in a very small office with only one other girl who has made me painfully aware that I am not in her league, so we rarely talk. I have kept myself away from most of my former friends for many reasons, so they are not aware of the present circumstances. Maybe I do need to hit them with a smart response, problem is I am not that quick, and that little hesitation on m,y part throws me off balance, then the hurt sets in...etc., etc. I also have health issues that have worn me down, breast cancer survivor, hypothyroid, among other things to be determined. Maybe it is time to sit down with a therapist. I really do pretty well under normal circumstances. But I want that cozy surrounded by those who love me feeling, and I can't have it. I have two stepsons I adore, but I still feel wanting for my own boys to come around. Very sad..
Posted 12/14/2011 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
It is sad, and that office girl doesn't deserve to have you in her life, you are a battler, I can see that, and one of the consequences of battling so many things, is that you know what is important in life, she is the one that misses out on your wisdom.

I know many people, but I call few a true friend, those true friends are my family. As hurtful as it is, I can't change the circumstances I find myself in, so I appreciate the few true friends that do make a difference to my life, not just on Xmas day, but everyday.

Seeking help will only benifit you, I encourage you to do this, that would be a healthy thing to do. I am sure on Xmas day, many others will be here on the forum that are in the same boat as you. It would be great if you are able to support each other through the tough day ahead.

Have you got any plans for Xmas day?
Posted 12/14/2011 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hurtz,

Welcome to the depressioin forum. The best advice I can give you is to try not to control the things you can't. In life we have very many experiences that we can't control. Fill in friends for family like Awty does.

I am sure that things will get better for you. Try to hang in there. I am glad that you are a survivor. This makes my day to read. Keep the faith hon...

Hugs, Karen

I just wanted to add, that it was brave of you to post.  This is the first step to healing...

Posted 12/14/2011 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
Sons grow up and mature and hopefully they will stop being so self-centered and remember to restpect and cherish their Mom...it took me awhile when I wsa in my 20's, so try to bear it and know that future may bring you many gifts from God

maggie
Posted 12/14/2011 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
We usually have a big Christmas Eve party, so I will be with people then. And I have a wonderfully understanding husband (stepfather to my boys) who has stood with me throughout this whole horrendous family thing. Christmas day is very quiet, maybe with a visit from my grandson, and my one stepson will stop over for leftovers...lol. Other than that it will be quiet. Unfortunately that is when I start thinking how it used to be when I was a child or as a young mother when the kids were growing up. Or when I hear certain songs, or see the first snowfall. I have been on effexor since about eight years after my breast cancer. That is when I started losing family members to cancer. It hit me hard. When I was young, all I wanted to be was a mom. I value family. My husband has a large wonderful warm family but they are very far away. It just gets so sad for me and I can't throw it off. Just want to cry over something that will never ever change. I want my granddaughter in my life, she is only 2, and I hurt so for her. Son #2 just can't seem to get his life together and torments me so much that I choose not to see him as it hurts me more when he calls me all the time with his "problems". Son # 1 doesn't call, doesn't visit. All I have is my husband and two stepsons. I think I need another woman in my life. I have two close friends but hey are both far away. I did volunteer for Reach for Recovery, and it was very rewarding, but I found myself getting too emotionally invested in the people I was helping. It took it's toll so I no longer do that.
Posted 12/14/2011 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hurtz,

I know it doesn't feel this way to you, and I understand that, but you have alot more then many here do have. I am so pleased to see you have a supportive Husband and the Grandkids will call in for Grandmas yummy leftovers. Try to focus at the love that is around you and less on what you are grieving as that is something out of your control.
Posted 12/14/2011 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Hurtz, and welcome to the Bipolar Forum,

I understand your plight all too well. Mine is a little different from yours, but I know the pain very strongly.

Someone mentioned some time ago that there's an ebb and a flow to life that we just have to accept. Acceptance makes the pain so much less severe. What's bothering us, I think, is not only the distance from our family and their problems, but it's the memories of past Christmases when our children were very young and their eyes just brightened into little lamps when Santa Claus came.

Now, in the ebb, I rely more heavily on my experience of Christmas as a religious celebration. I actually seek as much quiet as I can grab because it gives me the opportunity to really think about the real meaning of Christmas.

All the hype about gifts, money spent, parties, too much to drink, tempers flaring, disagreements, are not part of the Christmas spirit.

Try to watch a move such as "Bishop's Wife" which comes close to giving the real meaning of Christmas.

Take care and keep in touch with everyone during the holidays. We'll all try to console one another and look forward to the restful, loving time with a spiritual Christmas.

My best wishes for your calm and peaceful Christmas, free from hassles.

I.G.
Posted 12/14/2011 6:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for your message. I also have a lot of faith, and have come to rely on it. But, sometimes during those quiet times of contemplation and prayer, I find myself getting choked up. My mantra has become "let God and let go". I have put my burdens on Him so much that we are on a first name basis...lol. I do relish the quiet, and I am not all about the parties. I really love the cozy book, fireplace and a glass of wine times a lot better. It is usually during these times when I say to myself, It's time to get out another book and get involved in the story. Then I can let go and forget what was bothering me. I am so blessed in so many ways. I just have to keep reminding myself that. But I still have to battle the guilt feeling that I am supposed to FIXING these problems and can't relax until I DO something about it.
Posted 12/14/2011 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
We can't fix everything HURTZ. Sometimes we have tro let go and let things fall into place. Don't feel guilty for something that you have no control over. You will only be beating yourself up, and you don't need that. I like your mantra. take it to heart and live it. You will get there. It just takes time. Remember in the meantime, you are creating good memories for the future.

Keep posting... We truly understand...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/14/2011 7:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, maybe I just need to learn a new way to let go, I have used the old ones so much. I will say to any others that may be reading this, that it is a whole lot easier to give advice than to take it. I know what I should be doing, it's just getting to that point that I need help with sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself, and never ever let it get to the point of no return,...you must DO something about it, anything, as long as you are moving forward. That is the only way to get through it. "This too shall pass"
Posted 12/14/2011 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
You are right HURTZ, and this is a really hard time of year for some of us. And it seems to creep up on you and catch you off guard. I hope that you are coping well. Keep coming here for support. We all care about you and how you are doing.

Thanks for posting. Yea, letting go can be hard. But I try to go with the flow of things. Things have been topsy tervy for me the last couple of days. But I just do the best that I can, the rest falls into place, hopefully...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/15/2011 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all, day two of this post. I had some decent sleep last night, that is after I vented and blasted my poor hubby. Guess it all just had to come out somewhere, poor guy. Anyway, after an apology to him, I did feel somewhat better. If I can approach this much like I did my cancer, and realize that is is up to me to choose how I spend each day, either in tears, and anxiety over something I cannot control, or to smile at strangers and appreciate the blessings of a good husband, warm home and two loving kitties... I am a nurturer by heart and want to fix things. I was also brought up as a good little girl, one who was an honor student and was very popular. I may have a bit of the "good girl" syndrome in me, meaning I do not want to fail at anything. I feel I have failed at making a family and that torments me. The family I do have and I am close to are my husband and stepsons. I just have to learn to be happy with that. Hopefully one day it will resolve itself. Until then I cannot dwell on it.
Posted 12/15/2011 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Awesome turn around Hurts, I am so proud you have manged to look at this objectively. I know it hurts, but you are right, once children grow and make their own decisions, they then become responsible for their actions and behavours.

It won't go away entirly, you will still have contenplative moments and that's normal, but as long as you spend more time looking at what you do have, you will be more balanced with this issue.
Posted 12/15/2011 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
It is very easy for me to advise someone, but even harder to take my own advice :). I've been battling this for about 10 years, and sometimes I slip. Especially when all these visual, and audible memories of Christmas inundate me. I try and hide what I'm feeling and hope it will go away. I haven't been to a therapist for a long time, so thanks for being there when I needed to find a way to connect with others who understand. Now I know where to come when I slip. It is an ongoing battle for all of us I know.
Posted 12/15/2011 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Absolutely, it is always easier to find answers for others, but feel stuck when we are trying to find solutions for ourselves, very normal human nature.

It is great to know you can come here, not just when things are rough for you, but you can help others here too when you are feeling stronger, we are each of us angels with one wing, it is by embracing another that we can fly.
Posted 12/15/2011 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
How beautifully put. Yes, I think it will be good for me to "hang around" here.

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." ~Albert Schweitzer
Posted 12/16/2011 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Hurtz, I can relate to you about christmas. My memories are great sadness and misery. For me it is not loss it is never having a wife and children to share christmas with. There are reminders everywhere i go on this theme and also at work. O'k, how I cope is I visit others and share chrstmas with them, although I have worked many times over christmas in the past. Acknowledge what you have, and know you are worthwhile, in my office at work i buy christmas cards for everyone, most people appreciate this gesture and I feel good about giving. I like your post.
Posted 12/19/2011 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks beagleguy for your post. I am doing my darnedest not to fall prey to the Christmas blues, but I have to admit, I did not attend two parties this weekend. I do not want people to "ask" about how my family is. It hurts to tell the truth and I am not good at lying. I do try to do nice things for those I know. I am in a very small office and wish there were more people to interact with. I truly hope you find the joy in Christmas for yourself this year. These posts have given me an outlet to see I am not alone. It does help me immensely.
Posted 12/19/2011 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
No you aren't alone here. A lot of us suffer from the "HOLIDAY BLUES"... Try to take it one day at a time. Live in the moment. And try not to stress too much. If you have another oppertunity to go to a party, it might do you some good. Think about it.

Hugs, Karen
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