need help

I'm new to this forum and it may be bad to just unload but I'm kind of lost and could really use some help.

I'm 34, live on my own, and for the last four years I've had chronic pain - I have Medullary Sponge Kidney and Fibromyalgia. It's gotten progressively worse and now since October I've been unable to work. I'm living on unemployment and hopefully I'll get accepted for disability although that may take forever. Meanwhile my whole family (parents and sister) think that the mess I'm in now is all my fault - that I'm a loser and because I take prescription pain meds I'm also a drug addict (note - I've never taken more than prescribed - usually i take FAR less). They think that I'm too young to be that sick so I need to just suck it up and get a full time job. Thing is - even with filing for disability I've been looking for a job because I'm scared to death of being homeless. I lost my last job because I kept missing work because I was sick and I don't have any decent references but still I'm trying to do something. I should also mention I have an MBA but I've had to take jobs far below my education level because of my illnesses. Also one of the side effects is "brain fog" so I get confused and distracted easily so even when I physically can work I have an incredibly hard time thinking clearly to get work done. Anyway - so my family thinks I'm this pathetic waste of space and that I need to just get off my meds and then I'd magically get better - or that the reason I'm sick is because I don't have enough faith in God to heal me (don't get me wrong - I'm Christian and I believe in God healing but I'm sorry - I don't think he struck me down sick because I'm some heathen - I know some very healthy happy Atheists to prove that point). So anyway they're saying they won't support me unless I get a full time job in which case I wouldn't need their help anyway... oh but they say I can live with them if I need to - I'd just have to get rid of my 2 dogs which quite frankly are the only reason I haven't killed myself at this point. I'm lucky enough to have friends that are supportive but really there's only so much I can say to them. I feel bad unloading on them all the time and I'm afraid they'll just give up on me and ditch me too if I do.

So that brings me here. I'm crippled by the weight of my depression and pain right now. Sometimes I have panic attacks it gets so bad. I may end up homeless - I may end up without a doctor or access to the pain medicine that I desperately need to even walk - I may end up losing my dogs which frankly worries me more than anything even living on the streets because I know they're the only thing keeping me alive right now. I'm so freaking worried that something bad will happen to them if I'm not around that I'm not willing to go just yet - but if I have to give them up ... it would be the last straw. I've lost so much in the last four years - a fiance (ok, not too upset about that - he was a jerk - but still it was a change), a ton of friends (chose the jerk ex-fiance over me), my health, my awesome job in NYC (I moved away because of my health - NYC is not designed for sickly folks), and now so much more has been lost in just the last few months. If I don't find a job and at least attempt to work I'll probably end up homeless - and I'm not sure how I'll do that because I've tried applying A LOT and there's nothing out there - and even if there I'm sure I'd probably be right back where I am in a few months. Disability could take a year to get and I do not have that kind of time. So I keep thinking of suicide and I feel like a failure for even thinking of it because it's like the depression is winning but what the heck am I supposed to do with myself? And without my family to talk to it's just so much worse. My mom had been supportive until a few days ago - I guess she decided everything was my fault and I was a drug addict that needed an intervention so she demanded I join a bible group and cook healthy food. Ok, I understand the healthy diet - of course it's hard when I'm on food stamps and it's extremely painful to stand in one place for more than a minute - but eating healthy I get. And the bible group isn't a bad idea except I don't have the ability to drive at night (I drive off the road if I try) and it's extremely painful to go out in the cold so I avoid it with a passion. Oh and I forgot to mention - I lose my leased car in 2 months... and there's no public transport where I live... so yeah - it just keeps getting better. My mom had said she would help me get a new car but now she says she'll only help if I do everything she says and listen to her lecture me on how awful I am and how I'm going to hell and whatnot. I told her I'd rather be homeless and carless than listen to that malicious crap. What hurts isn't the loss of financial support (I never expected her to help - nor had I asked her to) it was the fact that I went from talking to her on the phone every day to nothing. I really needed one person to show unconditional love and that was just too much to ask from her. I'm sure she thinks whatever she was doing was some kind of form of love but in my book it was called kicking a horse when it's down.

Anyway - I figured since I have no one else to talk to and I can't afford a shrink and my friends are probably sick of hearing me whine that I'd whine to some strangers. Last night got so bad I called a suicide prevention line - I figured having worked out a plan for my death was reason enough but then I just felt suffocated by depression and I had to talk to someone. Well - enough whining.... that's my story in case anyone bothers to read it.

Hi Bridgit

Welcome to the forum. I also have fibro-there are alot of us here AND on fibro forum so it feels kinda like a family here-since many of us have clueless loved ones who can just add to the guilt pile and make us fel worse.

This is a good place and we all care for one another..I gald you called the hotline and came here

Sorry you are struggling financially..many years ago my husband and I ended up on the streets and ended living in a boarding house (in the slums) and working day labor digging ditches. We survived but...I would retain a disability lawyer right away and go for ssdi, there is welfare and subsidized housing. Check your local employment agency for state programs that may help you get work, sign up for snagajob.com or someone like that ..i got some interviews from that

Sorry about your mom..don't really have much to help you there...I cannot imagine turning my back on my child...hopefully she will change her tune

Until then, post here it really helps gotta go

Maggie

Thank you all so much - I really and truly appreciate your support. Overall I had been doing pretty well handling the stress and had been keeping pretty busy (even if just running errands, hanging out with my best friend next door and researching everything from low stress jobs to govt assistance and disability app stuff online). I think it was the recent falling out with my mom and subsequent bad conversations with my sister and dad that set me off. Not that the health issues and lack of job wasn't depressing - just that I felt like I had a hold of things until I lost that last semblance of support. But I agree that I need to get out of my head on this and get out of my house whenever I physically can. I'm feeling a little better today physically and things don't seem quite so bleak. Thank you so much for responding - it really means a lot to know I'm not alone. I'm still pretty freaked by the future but I have to keep telling myself that I've managed to pull myself out of trouble in the past and I can do so again. It's ok to grieve for what's been lost but I shouldn't let myself get stuck in that forever.
As for anti-depressants - I'm kind of scared to start any new meds now with my access to healthcare so up in the air. I'll have enough to deal with if I lose access to the pain meds, I'm hesitant to add anti-depressant withdrawal as well. But I can try doing more to get my mind off feeling down and maybe a sense of accomplishment might do me some good - even if I just manage to accomplish something small it's still something.

I'll have to check out the fibro board - thx :) And thanks again for reading my crazy long post - when I get worked up I tend to ramble :)
Take care and I'll be sure to post more

Here is a site that can help you with your medications...

http://www.needymeds.com

I don't know if you qualify but it doesn't hurt to try.

I moderate on the fibromyalgia forum too, so you will probably see me there.  I also have fibromyalgia.  I take a lot of medications for pain and fatigue, plus meds for depression.  And the regular stuff.  It is no fun.  But we do what we have to.  Continue to take life one day at a time.

Know that we all care about you here.  You are in a good place in this forum.

Hugs, Karen

If you have no insurance, you will qualify almost certainly for the manufacturer's prescription assistance programs. You can try pparx.com for assistance there but you need your script first. Clinics can help out with samples and free trials. i got my med free that way for 6 weeks til the manufacturer sent me 90 day supply for a year (once I was approved) so there are resources out there but they do take work and follow thru.

I know you want to feel better and do better so I'm sure you will find the help you need. And of course, we are always here...good luck

Maggie