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Posted 4/21/2012 7:39 PM (GMT 0)
There are 2 monsters I draw. One urges me to draw it, if I don't it feels as if something will happen.  It is a very nasty looking monster!  I knew anger was behind it from all 4 family members that abused me.  But today I had a break through after a particularly bad week of high SUDS numbers for SH and SI.

During Therapy today, I had an AH HA! moment and realized that I am creating the monsters myself! Either because I am listening subconsiously to the threats I heard as a child or because I do not want to know the rest of the memories and deal with the anger, hurt, pain, emotions hiding under there. Could be a combo of both.

My plan is if I cannot control the urge to draw the monster next time it comes, I will draw it, and put it in a cage! Then I will see how strong my SH and SI are.  If that does not work, I will try to draw the monsters less threatening, since I know I have created them, I can change them.

This was 2 hours ago and I am still trembling with the knowledge that I have control over all this scary stuff. It is a lot to process!

So take heart all of you that are depressed.  Continue to write, post, draw, paint, collage etc... do whatever comes natural to get your feelings out and express them.  My depression will not go away, however, now I have a small chance to face a part of it and win.

 

Posted 4/21/2012 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
A persons inner monsters/demons, what ever you want to call them can be obliterated. The hardest and scariest part is facing them.

There really only a few wrong ways to deal with your inner tormentors. The only truly wrong ways is to ignore them or to do anything that causes harm to you in any way.

It sounds a if you have had a major revelation today and I am so happy for you. Hopefully other revelations will come soon so that you can not only stop these monsters as they appear but also stop them from forming in the first place.

You have scored a big victory for yourself, but at the same time don't forget all of the small daily victories you are entitled to celebrate too.
Posted 4/21/2012 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Jim. I do forget my daily victories. We spend so much time doing our skills to avoid self-harm and to present a half decent presentation to the outside world, we take these amazingly hard, daily battles for granted.

We all need to remember to stop and listen to our music inside.

"When the violin can forgive every wound caused by others; the heart starts singing." Hafiz

 

Posted 4/22/2012 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Bnot,
Forgive me if I am wrong. It actually seems more PTSD to me than depression. I have both too and I get it all mixed up all the time. It has taken me a long time to get better at knowing what illness is going on. With PTSD, I get the postPTSD depression three days after and I use that to say "Okay, that means what happened Thursday was a PTSD response". Does that make sense? Hope I'm not distracting from what you want to talk about. Cheers
Posted 4/22/2012 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Living Well.

You could be right.  I have complex PTSD and MDD. Very hard to seperate the 2 at this time. It as only been a year since repressed memories have started to come back and 2 years since I have been suicidal.  In therapy 1 year.

Depression was confused with my daily head paid, half of which seems to be connected with the past childhood abuse. It all gets foggy with symptons come. So I deal the best I can and use what works, journal when I can and see what pops. I use art also, I am not a great artist. Like everything in life drawing improves with practice.

Currently I have depression every day, I know it is tied to my anger and monsters. My anger and monsters are very complicated due to the fact that I was abused by both parents, both siblings and older sister forced me into orgies at **** age through 17.  So yesterday was a good break through. Can not say how fast I will find the right way to handle it, but with prayer, faith and determination I should find an answer.  Have skills, will travel!  rolleyes

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