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I'M NO LONGER IN DENIAL...

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Depression
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Posted 4/26/2012 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Today I finally received my doctor's official medical summary for my SSD case.  Now, I've been dealing with my physical injuries since my work "accident" on September 28, 2010.  However, I've only dealt with bits and pieces and along the way I kept telling myself I'll work again.  As time passed and my body betrayed me, I still didn't want to admit I am permanently disabled and will never work again.  When you are not ready to admit the truth, it's too easy to fool yourself in believing a lie.

Now that I have my doctor's three page medical summary from over a year and a half of proactive and invasive treatment with little to no improvement...I must finally accept the fact that I'm disabled.  I will never work again, I will always be in pain and my physical health may become worse as time goes by.

Dealing with my CP and physical limitations has caused me to suffer depression as well.  Being unable to work I am home alone all day, everyday and it's become a critical situation.  My wife is scared for me and I don't trust myself. 🚑. 

I'm beginning to think its best that I'm locked up 🏥 and heavily medicated 💉 until I can better control my urge of playing in traffic 🚥 or dying of lead poisoning 🔫.  

I guess by addressing this very real and really serious sense of no longer being in control and not caring is a good thing?  I was not able to get an appointment with my Psychologist for the last two weeks!  I will see her this Friday and will tell her how I'm feeling...rather that I'm unable to feel.  I was very sick two weeks ago and couldn't take my medicine.  When I followed up with my PM doctor I was told not to start taking my medicine 💊 and I haven't.  

What's strange is that before I was prescribed Wellbutrin, I couldn't stop the waterworks 💦.  Now, without my medicine I can't cry despite being overwhelmed with sadness, hopelessness and shame.  This is what scares me the most...I don't know who is in my mirror.  I don't trust him, I've lost control before and I have the scars to remind me not to trust the emotionless stranger in the mirror.  I'm more scared of what I might do to myself than I am now about possibly being admitted to the hospital!

Out of desperation I called and begged for my first appointment with my Psychiatrist be moved up and they did.  I'll see my Psychologist this coming Friday and will see my Psychiatrist the following Monday.  Who knows, maybe if I get the right kind of medicine I will be okay?  I don't want to hurt my wife by hurting myself, but I know in an instant I can lose control as I did before.  

I don't understand how I got to this point in my life. I mean, I know I'm suffering with CP and lack of sleep, which in turn has negatively influenced my mental health.  I can't get over the fact that all this has happened to me.  I don't think anyone should have to experience what I'm going through.  I have to try my best to hold onto this saying, "Where there's hope there's life", and truly believe its true.  I want to survive...that's half the battle, right?

I'm open to serious suggestions...

Thanks,

Charles 🍀
Posted 4/26/2012 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
I am 27 and had to get on disability. Its hard. I have dreams of being a wife, mom, nurse, actually being a contributer to society, and at first it killed me. BUt i have had to find ways to do things, and have dreams and things, just a little different. I completly understand your frustration, and thinking that by God I just want to home. BUt he has us here for some reason, we may never know till we see him again, but we are here and we have to make the "best" of it. Please read the post I just posted on your last post.
You don't have to be confined to this world of pain and suffering we get stuck in forever. It can get better. It does, and no it is in NO WAY easy. No, a pill isn't going to just FIX it all and make it go away. It takes work, and a lot of it, but we can find JOY again. I am not always happy, that is situational, but I have had to learn to find JOY. It has taken years, and tears, and it is still a fight, but I am fighting.
You can too! You are so much stronger than you may think. Just look at all you have overcome with your illnesses, etc. You have proof that it is real, real pain, your not crazy, life just stinks sometimes. But we can do this.
I don't know what you believe in as your Higher Power, but my GOD is the only thing that has given me the strength to get through all this. Find your truth, your Higher power, and also dig deep deep down within and find your inner strength!! ITs there, i promise. Sometimes we have to do a lot of digging to find it, but it is there.
I really encourage you to be real with your doctors, seek help, and try and relax as much as you can. Take comfort in knowing your about to see someone. take in ONE MINUTE at a time, breath by breath, we can do this.
Find one good thing to be thankful for, just one thing and let that get you through that moment, or this day.
YOU ARE STRONG!!
ang
Posted 4/26/2012 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
if you are still online, would you like to join the chat room and talk?
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