Posted 6/13/2012 2:09 PM (GMT 0)
The title of my post is "Calling in Sick to Work", but there are a lot of things going on that contributed to that.
As you all may or may not know (I'm not sure you care, sorry), I moved from New York to Washington state (about 2,800 miles) in February 2011. I didn't have a job or any friends, really, I just had a few family members and a want to "get out of of Dodge". After living with an acquaintance from college for about a month, I found a place to live with two guys I didn't know. Looking back, I can't believe anyone let me do that, but it turned out OK. I moved out of there to my own apartment a few months later. I signed a year lease that I ended up breaking, and I lost a lot of money but learned some good life lessons. Now I pay month-to-month rent in a tiny studio apartment in the big city. I have a boyfriend, and I have a job, but I've gained about thirty pounds (mostly in my tummy, so even though it's impossible it feels like I'm pregnant). My mom has offered to come visit and take me home with her several times. The only thing stopping me has been my boyfriend. Every time I get up the courage to tell him I have to go home, he breaks down and tells me "I don't want you to go" and we don't really ever finish our conversations about it.
Sorry for the background. Flashforward to yesterday. I saw my psychiatrist and he told me that my mom left him a message saying, basically, that she was scared that if I came home I would not be treating my depression, I would just be staying locked in my room. The plan was for me to go back home to get ECT because there's no one here to take me to appointments or watch me or anything and I can't afford to be inpatient apparently. If I go home and live with my parents temporarily, then they could keep an eye on me and take me to my appointments. My conversations with my mom led me to believe that she would be supportive and that she was of the mind that coming home was not giving up and that if coming home was the healthiest decision for me then that's what I should do. I feel betrayed by her right now.
ECT is nobody's first choice, and it doesn't solve everything. I realize that now. I've tried a bunch of anti-depressants (right now it's Viibryd) without success. I've been to the hospital for suicidal ideation, and I don't want to go back. ECT seems like a viable option as a lifesaver.
I went to my psychiatrist yesterday, and he asked if I had been going to work. I feel like I haven't. I lied and told my boss that I had doctor's appointments all last Friday (I even had my psychiatrist write a note saying as much), but really I just took a 'mental health day' and got ready for my weekend trip to Oregon with my boyfriend. The trip, in a nutshell, turned out to be a disaster because the friend I went to go visit broke up with her boyfriend the night we got there and stayed in bed all weekend crying. It was awkward. Part of me thinks that my boyfriend might have seen that and realized that he didn't want that for us and that's why this is is so hard? I don't know. Anyway, my psychiatrist asked if I had been going to work. I asked what the alternative was, since I didn't want to get fired, and he said something along the lines of "you could stay in bed because life sucks". I told him that this had never crossed my mind, made an appointment for Friday afternoon (as in like two days from now), and left feeling terrible.
I got take-out as per usual, watched some TV, and fell asleep.
Then I woke up and I realized what he was talking about. Life does suck. At around 4:30 this morning I called my boss and a co-worker and left messages saying I wouldn't be in today. I e-mailed them and cc'd my boss's boss - telling them that I wanted to try and see a doctor today. Which was a lie. I just feel so crummy and out of control that I didn't know what else to do. I haven't checked my e-mail to see if they've responded (it's only just now 7 a.m. so they're all just starting to get into the office anyway), but I'm scared that I'll lose my job if I keep making it obvious how depressed I am. I just can't handle it. My psychiatrist told me that he just wants to make sure I stay alive. That's why I'm seeing him on Friday. Which I'm grateful for. But I also found out that I owe him a lot of money. I've never gotten a bill from him, which you'd think after a year of seeing him some bells would have gone off, but my hunch is my dad has been paying for my therapy out of pocket. I don't want to talk to him about money, because he doesn't understand why I'm depressed and thinks that he can make it better if he throws money at it. He would pay any price to see me happy, and I feel like the more he throws money at me, the more depressed I get, and the more I let him down. It's a horrible cycle.
I've taken some Clonapin and hope to calm down soon. I don't know what the point of writing this all down was, other than to get it out. The friend I would normally talk to about this is the one that just broke up with her boyfriend (because he's an alcoholic), so I feel like I have no place not consoling her and then asking her to listen to my problems. I can't talk to my parents, because they're causing their own problems. My mom thinks I'll be an immature mooch my whole life, and my dad would (and has, pretty much) put down his life savings to make me happy.
I don't know what to do other than just hang on until Friday when I can see my psychiatrist, who I haven't paid in months, again.
Oh, and my boyfriend wants to see me tonight for dinner because I hinted on the phone last night that I have to break up with him to go home and get ECT. I feel like all I want to tell him is that I don't deserve him. I know that's a 'line', but it's how I feel. He didn't sign on to take care of me in my depression. We're not married. We don't live together. He didn't make a huge commitment to me, and he could leave any time he wanted. I don't deserve him.
I know drugs aren't the answer, but the Clonapin is kicking in and I might relax for a little bit. I feel awful.