Trying to support spouse with major depression

My wife was recently diagnosed w/major depression and I'm having a harder time than I ever thought I would. I feel alone and lost and helpless, but I have to admitt that I can't help feeling angry. I understand that it is a hard illness, but what seems to be continued critzism and put downs are really starting to effect me. I try not to take them personal but they happen so often and it seems like no matter what I do and/or learn to do my wife seems to not care and gets upset nonetheless. I try my best to make her feel supported and comfortable enogh to talk to me about anything and everything, which I will always keeping doing...and I feel guilty feeling the way I do... Feeling like the few times (before and after the dx) I told my wife how I felt she seemed to dismiss them or devalue them by using logic to tell me why I can't/shouldn't feel the way I did. A few weeks ago, after working hard to take more chores on and to not allow my wife to see how stresses or frustrated I was with feeling of helplessness, I eventsuuly broke down. Once done talking I had to admitt, and to my wife, that it felt like the first time I feel like she listened and tried to understand...but i feel like it was used against me while her mom was with us. As we were talking about how to cope with her moms criticism and lack of emotional support, my wife proceeded to say that I needed to slow down before she had to put up with me having another break down. This may not seem like much for most people but when you've spent four years (befor and after dx) learning and working hard to support ur wife in every way possible never wanting to throw ur wife's feeling back at her...then to need her support and instead having it feel like she threw it in ur face that you were not strong enough or man enough to deal with all ur own issues and stresses AND that of your wifes. I give up, I am tired of being told I am doing everything wrong. I am trying as hard as I can, I even thought about doing something that would allow my wife to divorce me so she can find a real man that can give her all she needs. Buf, I know I cannot take anything she does or says personally but when am I going to get a break, a chance to breath. I can't tell my wife how I feel bc it seems to get slammed back at me or I am told I am trying to emotionally manipulate her.
I am lost and trying to hold on. What can I do?

In therapy, you will learn how to not let what other people say effect the way we feel. If you are doing the best that you can, that is enough. Know in your heart that you are trying the best that you can. That is all that matters.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks for everyone's encouraging comments

Hi Livinghealth,

I am sorry for what you have been through. Your wife has a very good support system, she is lucky. Some are not so fortunate.

I am glad you were there for her.

Keep posting, know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen

My wife does take meds and is in therapy and I guess she is working on stuff but I can't afford to send my wife and myself to therapy, and when I mentioned couples-and using her therapist-she did not seem too keen on that. I am having a hard time supporting her while she goes thru the real low parts and then when she is ready or able to talk to me all I hear is what I am doing wrong or what she doesnt like about my personality or what not. It seems like the only time I get appreciation is when I bring it up and then it seems simply forced. And, forget expressing how I feel bc it seems to always be ignored, thrown back in my face as a joke, or more often, having to apologize for how I feel bc she seemed to turn it around...I guess I just don't understand and maybe I have no right to feel the why I do, but I am tried if having to apologize for how I feel bc it upset her, but man I am supposed to listen and accept all the criticism and negative comments from her. The other day we were texting from work, in which the night before I had asked if she still found me attractive bc she seemed to have been ignoring me more and more to the point where I felt like she would not even look me in the eyes. (I know it was stupid to ask her that). I was having a hard time with being confident both at home and at work, so that's how I explained it to her. She broke down bawling the rest of the night. The ironic part is I had just taken a sleep med bc I hadn't slept more than an hour or two a night for most if the week. I stand up as long as I could watching over her and apologizing for my stupid question, but eventually I fell asleep, and all I remember is my wife leaving the room and going to the guest room bawling. The next day she told me that she wa struggling that whole week and was trying her best to stay afloat and that she was hurt that when she needed me the most I would rather sleep. I tried explaining that I took sleep aid and it was before I asked the stupid question, she did not seem to care. Then she mentioned a number if times that she just wanted to die and that she found out that she couldn't OD on her meds, then she quite responding to my text. She didn't answer her phone and when I called the house she actually answered...she was supposed to be at work. She sounded out of it, she could barely tell me she was at home sleeping. I was totally scare bc it did not sound like my wife. I called a friend to go and check on her all the while I hurried home from work. It was until I was almost home when my friend called saying she answered the door but that he had to bang on the door and call her name multiple times and that my wife said she would call me. Well she fell asleep before she could even call me. When I got home I found her in bed almost incoherent and barely able to talk to me. I freaked out. I work In this field and typically know what to do. I found out she had drank Gin and sleep med. she kept telling me she drank half a bottle of gin with her med...I still don't know how much she drank. She apparently did all this around 12-1:00p and I got home at 3:30p, so if she was going to OD it would have already happened. I stayed by her side the whole night until she woke up. She was mad at me for what I did. I had called her therapist to basically confirm what I was already thinking...get my wife to a crisis unit...but she could only refuse and fall asleep at the same time. I told her that I was scared that she was trying to commit suicide and I did not want to lose her. She said she was just trying to come home and fall asleep for the rest of the day and night and she was not trying to kill herself. The rest of the night was spent with her crying and getting on to me and me apogoIng for how I felt. I understand how she may have felt, but I am having a hard time with me trying to understand how she feels witheverything i do or say but she doesn't seem to think that she has to do the same for me. To explain this better let me say this one last situation. First, let me mention that I am also a survivor if childhood sexual abuse and of course my wife knows. One night we were talking about me not sleeping and howmy wife thinks that I am afraid of deep sleep then asked me why... I mentioned that it may be bc I have bad dreams of being raped at times. My wife proceeds to say that she wouldn't mind being raped...this was after I made a comment about sexual issue...bc at least, then she faded off. I left the room and when I came back she asked me if I was ok I told her that I was angry and hurt that my wife would rather be raped than have sex with me. She proceeded to say that it was just a joke and she was trying to lighten the mood. Then she started to get upse with me for being upset with her "joking", so I was forced to have to apologize for how I felt about my wife making a joke if my abuse. Now tell me, how am I to "ignore" or not take stuff personally? I ll stop here.

Trying,

Very good advice from Karen. YOU are NOT your WIFES HUSBAND! You are YOU.

IF your wife is considering such awful thoughts and hurting herself, she may need an inpatient stay at a Behavioral Hospital. I can suggest this, I have been in that dark place and know, that even for the bad side of the inpatient stays, they do work and most people do get the help that is needed.

It is not normal what your wife is thinking. At the very list, the doc should be adjust medications maybe, sounds like she is not being honest with the doctor. THIS is something that you have little control over unless you go to the appointment with her. This is difficult in your situation due to the fact you need to show compassion and empathy.

At this point, be concerned with yourself and strengthen your belief in what you know. That you are a good person. That you do the best you can every day. You make it to work every day. You are a loyal and good husband. Concentrate on those things and try mindful breathing.
Slow breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. This will help keep you calm. Centered on you.

Count to 5 before you respond to your wife. this will put space between you and your feelings. Make it easier to avoid fights.

If she starts talking about "bad stuff" again, take the oppurtunity and get her to a crisis center. A week inpatient stay may be the best thing for her at this point, considering what you stated in your last post.

Stay strong.

Trina

Trying,

It is hard, and your wifes actions and manipulations are from what she learned as a child. The difference is she is too deep in depression or sick at this time to see and want to change.

That is why I suggested the behavior unit before something bad happens. Please remember that suggestion based on her comments and actions towards you.

Stay well and strong. God Bless

Trina

My wife's T suggested she change meds. This was the first T session since my wife "wanted to sleep" all day. Meds have been changed and my wife says she feels alittle better and she even looks brighter.
Plus, I wanted to give a heart felt thanks to Karen for her comments and suggestion. At first I was angry bc I took it as the same thing I've heard from my wife, that it was my fault...however, as I started to really look at it and truly look at myself again, I came to understand Karens point. I know my wife, I know that no matter what she says or does she loves me...I Know This. It is my place to learn what support she needs w/o giving up what I need to care for my self and what I need to be supported. B/c of my wife's hx she never really learned how to emotionally support or show affection toward people close to her, instead, she pushed them away and/or pushed her feeling down and used certain coping skill she learned at a young age (b/c it made her feel good), now with finally allowing her self to look and feel her past, along with present, she is learning who she is all over again--thus she is not able and may never be able to support me the way I need, but I know it is not meant to be malicious and at this point she may not realize what she is doing. I on the other hand, need to always remember this and focus on just being there and not to take what she says to heart. This will be heard b/c she seems to do it a lot but I know she loves me. Thanks again Karen.