Out of Control After Break-Up...

I don't even know where to start. I've known, let's call him "James", since 2005. We met online on a stupid website (suffice it to say it wasn't a dating website), and started talking. At first we were at schools a couple hours apart, but we never met. We just emailed back and forth for a while. I know this is going to sound weird, but I always had in he back of my mind this idea that he would be a great boyfriend. I had a cybercrush on him I guess. It sounds more bizarre written out than in my head. Anyway, I dated other guys, I lived in France, I did a lot of stuff, but we kept in touch. He moved to Seattle. I guess this is where my story really starts. The first time I met him was on a visit to Seattle in 2009. We stayed in touch, and I visited Seattle again in 2010. In February of 2011, I moved to Seattle. We started dating and things were great. Except my depression came back full force. Everything came crashing down in June of this year. I went to the hospital for ten days. I got a round of ECT. My dad flew out to Seattle, packed up my apartment and moved me back to New York. I don't remember a lot of the last days, and honestly I feel like the whole time I lived in Seattle (February 2011 to July 2012) is a blur. I feel really bad for a lot of reasons. I moved out there in the first place because I had family there, but while I was living there we didn't talk much. I just called them when I needed help moving apartments. Which I know is selfish. I've been living at home for three months. I don't have a job and have been really depressed. I'm gaining weight and feeling awful. I haven't spoken with my family in Seattle and I feel really selfish because I feel like I used them. I never talked to them unless I needed help. That feels terrible. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling, my latest problem started in September. "James" and I talked almost every day on the phone, and he told me he was coming to Boston for work. I drove six hours to meet him in Boston the last week of September. We stayed in a hotel a couple nights and then parted ways again. I still love him. A lot. I called him last night and he told me he's been ignoring my calls and texts because he's trying to get over me. Obviously we're not dating anymore, and I'm the one who left, but I'm having a really hard time reconciling evetything in my head. He told me he can't have a false hope that I'll move back to Seattle. He can't shape every detail of his life around me. All true statements. He also made a comment about "5 to 10 years down the road" which I'm not really sure what he meant by that. Bottom line: I feel like he has the same fantasy I do where things will just work out and we'll be together in the future. Or at least we did until last night. Am I allowed to feel sad and mad and rejected if I'm the one who left him in Seattle? Do I really regret moving away or am I just sad that I don't have a boyfriend? Getting ECT turned out to not be a good decision, but I was under its effects when my dad came and told me I had to move back home. I'm 25 - how messed up is it that I still need my parents?! Or at least that they're still making major life decisions for me? HELP!!! I'm out of control depressed right now, I really don't know what to do. I don't want to get over him. I don't want to live without him. We're 3,000 miles apart. Logically I know I'm still really sick, but I feel like moving away from him when he loved me was the worst decision of my life, and my dad made it for me. I really am in the darkest place I've ever been. I've stopped taking care of myself. Last night was just the nail in the coffin. I can't stop crying. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth. I'm overeating. I look disgusting, I feel disgusting, and I just want him to not reject me. We don't live in the same city. I'm depressed and trying to get help. Was I thinking that if I "got better" that I could magically go back to Seattle and be with "James" again? He was the reason I liked being out there. Obviously I was depressed, but it's a blur. I look at pictures and I look happy. I've never been this sad before. It's my fault I'm in the situation I'm in. I ruined the best thing I ever had. I can't stop crying. I can't bring myself to change my clothes or take a shower. I don't love myself, so how could I expect that anyone else would? I've gotten really fat and all that fits me are stretchy pants. The same hope that was making his life miserable is the same hope I was clinging to to get through this dark period. Now I have no hope. I don't want to get over him. I love him. I'm sorry for writing this, I just don't know where else to go. I'm alone all day every day and have no one to turn to. Help?

Hi Blue,

Trina is right. I just want to add, don't look at this as such a mistake. It isn't over. You need to work on yourself now. Let the rest fall into place. Take care of you. And just look at this as a life experience. We grow from that. I know all feels bleak right now. But once you start to work on you, things are going to look brighter.

Hugs, Karen

Blue Moon,

I do hope today is little better for you.

CassCroc, you have given some wonderful advice, thank you! I am sure BM appreciates it, or will when they come around and read.

Bluemoon, re-read CassCrocs post and consider the truth in there.

Stay strong!

Trina