Posted 12/7/2012 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
First of all, maybe this sounds stupid or superficial but,I think I should talk about it because this feeling of feeling a clown as a woman has been bothering and hurting me for many years...
As a student, I always felt I was good, that was the only thing I thought I was good at and I was happy because I knew my parents loved me because of that. My dad loved to talk about me and about how good student I was. And also my mom. But then, they made me feel like that was my only good thing and my only duty.
I always liked to be at home but since I was in middle school, they became more strict, until I was in university, no meeting friends, from home to school and from school to home, no bad grades, no boyfriend, no parties, no nothing. She started to make fun of the way I looked. When I wore something new, I wanted to listen to her like to tell me that I looked good, and she only said: 'oh just put it on, what's the difference', 'oh that's fine, hurry up', and when I said that I didn't like this jeans or something, she said like 'oh whatever, it's not important, let's go'... I know it doesn't sound rude but in some way it made me feel like it didn't matter what I wore because I was not important or I wasn't going to stand out anyway. I remember one time, when I wore a dress and I walked through the living room, my mom said with a mocking laughter: your sister said you look like a stupid. I took it off inmediatly. When a guy was nice to me, she inmediatly minimized it and said something like: oh he's so nice, he said something nice about -and she names other person. I was like, hey he said something nice to me... She never said anything kind to me, like I always did everything wrong, I was so dumb that noone would consider looking at me like a girlfriend or someone nice. One time someone left a flower in my house, I thought it was a friend who had been going home and saying things like he was interested in me, and I said, 'maybe it was Alex', my mom ingnored me and kept saying, 'who could have been?' Another time, my phone was ringing to much and we were out of the house with my uncle and my mom, I got excited because I thought it was the guy I liked, my mom said: who is it? I thoguht she was talking about the phone and I said very excited, I think it's Daniel! She said in a very annoyed tone, 'I'm not talking about any Daniel! My uncle was there and he noticed I felt embarrsed and he stayed very serious. Another time, in a Valentine's day a girl friend gave me a lollipop with a form of a heart, I naively asked: from whom!? He said: mine. I felt so sad and little that for one moment I thought it had been a boy. I appreciated the effort of my friend, but in that moment I wanted to feel that my mom wasn't right and that I did was important and that guys liked me. I told my mom what happened with my friend, (I don't know why), they when one of my uncles went home, she told him like making fun of my stupid reaction, laughing, like saying, she thought it was a boy, but no, there was no boy,I mistakenly got excited for no reason, poor me, so loser. My uncle didn't say anything, he didn't follow her game. Then, a guy I liked went home, he asked mom where I was, I was watching tv, I knew he was there but, too shy to go outside, I wanted to wait for him to ask mom and then she called me, she never came, I didn't go out. Next day a friend asked why I had gone to bed so early, they wanted to talk to me... My mom told them I was sleeping.
And so many things. She always made me feel like I was not good as a woman, or after all of that I started to feel it. I don't know if it's something to do with this but, I think that's why I feel so pathetic when someone is flirting with me, I find myself pathetic, stupid, like why in the world someone would want to be with me? I feel ridiculous when I try to be nice with the guy I like, like I am being so annoying, I am so little, how can I think someone is going to be interested in me? And then; I never had a boyfriend, everytime someone talked to me about that, I wanted to cry, it came to my mind my mom telling me how pathetic I am, why am I pretending I am a nice, important, or pretty person? I should be locked in my room (sometimes my mom also told me that). I think, maybe I'm wrong, that's why I never use dresses, I don't wear a lot of make up, like red lips or sexy clothes. I feel incomfortable going to bars when there are guys, I feel so so pathetic there, 'I don't belong here, I'm not a woman, I'm disgusting, I'm ridiculous, I can't pretend I look sexy or I am like other girls because I'm not, they are smart, I'm dumb, I don't know how to be a woman, I am not girlfriend material. I feel I am being ridiculous and guys are going to make fun of me. I always feel everyone is going to make fun of me.
When I amnice with a guy, when I'm home, I'm like, "why did I do/say that?, I'm just grotesque, I should have shut my mouth". I laugh when they say I'm sexy or pretty and when I am with other girls I feel I don't beloing there and I want to escape. I don't feel good when someone gets close, i feel embarrased/guilty even when I have feelings for someone, romantic or sexual.. and I feel embarrased and guilty for writing sexual.
I think I wrote so much already.