Still the same one year on....

Hi i posted here some time ago going through one of the worst patches of my life and it's still going on now....

It all started when i split with a GF about 11 months ago and when it initially happened destroyed would be an understatement i just died inside and caved in. I made the huge mistake of texting her constantly for about a month and a half trying to get an answer out of her but she ignored me all the way. Looking as needy as i did i kick myself so hard for it as i tell myself she may have come back if i didnt look like such a freak to her. She clearly isn't interested in me anymore but I've been having these strong urges to message her on FB and tell her how i feel so i made the mistake one day when i came home drunk to look her up on FB (we're not friends on FB). I didnt message her but i was able to see some of her pics and it cut me up inside so bad seeing how happy she is and that shes moved on where as I'm still mad about her and consistently depressed.

Should i message her? when clearly she isnt interested and maybe doesn't even remember me much at all and even if she does she probably remembers me being a needy freak at the end and not the good times.

And why did she leave we was so close we clicked from day one and spent all are time together or texting calling etc. This lasted for about 4 months then we had one argument and then she left saying too much has happened and that was that for now. But i had to see her (she lived an hour and half away on train) so i messaged her on FB saying i will go to the train station where she lives so we can just talk in person and it was completely up to her if she came or not. After being there for half an hour she walked past on the phone not seeing me i call over to her and she turns around all surprised. Telling me she never got the message which i think is a lie because she even went on to tell me how she was walking home from work a way she never takes at all. We spoke for a couple hours i told her how i feel she was just full of "i don't know" answers which didnt help. We were talking like we used to which for me was really good and we exhancged numbers again and she said she would text me, add me to skype again etc which she did while i was on my way home. But after about an hour she just ignores me again.

So to make myself look like i didnt care i sent her one last message which was a little mean and told a few home truths which probably made her hate me if she even read it. But I didnt mean it and here i am still thinking about her 24/7.

This is a cycle i go through I've been in love 3 times and each time hits me so hard. Before i met her i was stuck on my ex for 3 years so im guessing another girl will be the only fix to my problems. But im finding it hard just to carry on a day let alone 3 years of it all again.

I tried to get counselling but they need to see me on specific days each week which i can't do ebcause of my work cause i get different days off every 2 weeks.

I'm going out my mind here! Is it normal for a 24 year old to be this depressed over a girl that probably doesnt even care about him??

I really want to message her... It's been so long since i said anything to her

Its not really stalking if i message her after months of no contact just to say hi. The thing im afraid of is she will tell me shes with someone or that she doesnt care. But im borderline suicidal here

There's no specific answer to why someone has depression. When you do you have to learn how to cope and keep your depression managed. It sounds to me like counciling would be good for you and maybe go see your dr and ask about an antidepressant.
I have OCD and that causes obsessive thoughts and it kind of sound like you are having obsessive thoughts about your past relationship. This is something else that counseling can help.
At this point I think it's best you leave her alone. If she wanted contact, she would have messaged you. I know it hurts but you have to accept her decision to cut off contact for now. Maybe in time, when you show her that you are able to obsess over her, she'd like to initiate a friendship. Right now you need to focus on your own health. You can't fully live someone else if you don't love yourself.
Try hanging out with friends or picking up new hobbies. Maybe go to the library, or church, or parks. Just whatever sounds good to you and meet new people. I wish you luck.

I'm trying to hold on but im still really low :( admittedly i felt better at points since i posted but i always manage to slip back into the deep. Today i turned on my xbox 360 for the first time in months and bam im thinking about her alot (she used to play it too) and i couldnt get her out of my head. How can something so stupid affect me so much...

And i dont enjoy doing anything at all. and Xmas is right around the corner its a happy time of year but all i can think about is this time last year we was close. i was happy. life was better. I was better.

You seem to have excuses for not wanting to do the things that will help you. You do need to start a new life, make new friends. Get counseling, or see a doctor and get medication. You are choosing to live in the past and can't see it is holding you back. You did give her all the power. Now you need to take it upon yourself to move on and get better. Keep posting, we can help you...

Hugs, Karen