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How to walk away.....even when you love him

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Posted 12/22/2012 6:20 PM (GMT 0)

I have been married for a little over 20 years, never had any kids only dogs. My husband and I met at work 22 years ago and up until this past May, we worked together. We had our own company, which he left up to me to run and handle. He didn't want to physically work with me, yet he didn't want to contribute; always telling me to "handle it" or blames me because of anything that went wrong at work. I lived it for many years to the embarrassment of others observing. The last couple of years, I stopped caring, I "handled things alright, I made decisions that I knew were wrong and didn't confide. The ball finally stopped rolling and ran into a brick wall. We had to close the company, he blamed me for everything (i know keeping things from him was wrong, but it was fruitless to try and communciate any more). It hurt us both emothionally and financially; at first he wanted to divorce, but then we decided to separate and give some time. I just moved back in after living alone for 6 months. I have lost most all of my friends through all of this..(you really know who your true friends are). I really have no family, except for step parents who live far away and even though I moved back in I am more alone than I ever have been in my life.

I want to give up and move away and maybe start over.....I am an attractive 54 year old, yet this past year has really taunted me, taking away my confidence, courage and drive to continue....I used to be very religious, but gave up on God when he never answered or at least helped me throughout....I don't believe there is anyone or anything out there to help you, you are really all alone when it comes right down to it. I started my life alone (loosing my whole family in a tornado when I was 4), and it looks like I'll end it all alone.

I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest, although it is only a sampling of my struggles.

Anyone truely believe moving away can help? I am looking for guidance.....and someone to just listen. Thank you.

Posted 12/22/2012 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Search-

I am so sorry you are going through these issues.

Starting over is much different than running away. Your feelings will follow you no matter where you go. You will have to deal with them at some point. I have found that counseling really helped me deal with feelings of self doubt and lack of self esteem. I am so much stronger this year than I was last year. And I am very grateful.

Starting over maybe just what you need. Just make sure you aren't running away.... from experience, running away doesn't work.

The people on this forum are so nice and caring. You have come to the right place for support.

Glad you shared...
Michele
Posted 12/22/2012 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Searchingforguidance,

Welcome to the forum. I am 54 too. But don't feel like it is even close to the end of life. So you have a lot of good years ahead of you.

Do you go to any counseling to help you with the situation you are in? I think it would help you to decide what it is you want to do. Do you want to stay married? Do you still love him? I think you have a lot of sorting of your feelings to do yet. Decide what it is in life that you want. Also it would help you with your self esteem.

Keep posting, because it really does help. Think about what you want to do with your life. You are still in control of your own destiny.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/22/2012 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
If you still love him and want the marriage to work- try a marriage counseling.. It seems like he needs counseling as well.
If you are finished with this marriage, moving away might be benefitial but don't ignore your feelings
Go to counseling to talk about what's going on and how you feel, you've got so much ahead of you
Posted 12/22/2012 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
I lost many friends but for a different reason. I went through a traumatic situation a year ago and the only way that I can move forward is to leave this community. Lots of bad memories here. I haven't been able to since I wasn't emotionally ready but I'm improving and plan to do so within the next 6 months. I'm also without close family and have just a few casual friends. Once you relocate you'll start a new life and meet new people which is what I plan on doing. It's time we both left behind the bad memories and moved on.
Posted 12/22/2012 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
Be thoughtful when making major choices like this. You have already received some very good suggestions.

A pro and con list is a very good start.

Therapy or a support group is definately the right way to go, before making any expensive moves.

Stay strong and focus on you through this process.
Trina
Posted 12/22/2012 10:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all very much for your kinds words of experience and support. We had gone to marriage counseling for several years and it worked until the end of the company and everything came out. I personally have gone through counseling as well, but now can no longer afford to do so. Notwithstanding, you can only hear the same words and advise for so long, it all seemed to be the same. I am told I have fear of abandonment and that is why I stay, yes, I love my husband and don't want to go the route of splitting up, but we have absolutely no communication except for hi and bye. It is Christmas and we are not celebrating it. As I said in my earlier post, I was orphaned at a very young age, lived with several foster families and relatives until I finally became of age to become imancipated. I have been on my own since I was 15 years old, so independance isn't the issue. I know I can be alone, but for some reason, this time I feel helpless, due to guilt and the responsibility I have for what happened with our company. But, I also feel that business what what kept us together as we have never been husband and wife outside of work. Now we do different jobs and, asides from our dogs, it doesn't appear we have anything in common.

I believe everything all of you have said and take credance in many of the words; yet I still feel so helpless because if I do leave, I will always wonder if I made a mistake.....this time there would be no coming back.

What adds to the loss of my marriage, is the loss of so many friends, or people I thought were my friends. Being a female, we need that companionship and support from our girlfriends and now I don't even have that. The one and only friend I have left is my neighbor, but I can only expect so much from her. She is an angel and really has been there for me. I just can't shake this.... 

Posted 12/23/2012 1:01 AM (GMT 0)
Whichever happens, try not to think of things as your mistakes. Think of it as a learning experience. There is no rigid line, if you leave, you don't know if you will go back. There is nothing that says it couldn't happen, so I wouldn't look at it as all black and white. There are shades of grey. We never know what would of happened, there is nothing to compare it to.

Before I forget, here is a site that is free that might be able to help you a little...

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

There have been a few members that have used it and found it helpful.

I am sorry for what has happened in the past. When you were a child. You say that you don't have any abandonment issues, but if you did, it would be only natural. It is very traumatic and if it effected you, it would be expected. So if it does, don't feel like there is anything wrong with you because there isn't. In that sense anyway. I don't know if I am putting the point right. But I think you know what I am trying to say.

You were with your husband for a very long time. Splitting up would naturally be another trauma. Especially if you aren't the one who wants to do so. And it doesn't sound like you do. I am not sure what point you are at in this relationship. Try to take it one day at a time. The best that you can. I know it is hard right now. But know we are here for you. Do keep us posted. Keep posting, it does help.

Hugs, Karen
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