Missing him

My grandfather, who was the best man I ever knew, passed away on the 8th of October (4 days after my birthday). I was such a mess that my husband decided it probably wouldn't be good for me to attend the funeral. I just cried for days.
Christmas was the first time if been to my grandparents home since his passing. It was much harder than I expected it to be. I kept expecting to hear his voice or hear him come on from the shop (he was a farmer and usually drank coffee out in the shop so he could share an oatmeal cream pie with his dog). It had me so anxious that I had to go home sooner than everyone else.
He is buried not even a mile from my home. I hate driving by there because it always reminds me that he's in a box in the ground.
I thought I was prepared, he had lung cancer and we knew we were going to lose him, but I guess I wasn't. I feel bad because I can't just hop out if this and be ok. I can't be at my grandparents and not feel his loss. I do call my grandmother daily and I try to help her with errands in town. I just feel like I'm not being the grand daughter she needs because it hurts me too much to be in her home too long. I guess I needed to let out how much I miss him and I didn't want to pile on my family, I think they all are surprised with how much it's hit me because normally I am not very emotional.

My family isn't exactly encouraging of showing a lot of emotion, especially this far after. My dad is of the, "don't be sad, he's in a better place" type. I've been told that I could be carrying my mourning out a bit too long. So now I just discuss it in therapy.
I do wonder if I'm feeling it a bit more strongly right now because the psychiatrist tweaked with medications before Christmas. Since then I'm feeling more anxious, having more panic attacks, more depressed days, and can't sleep. I'm supposed to try the medications his way for another 2 months. I've had constant headaches, too. I don't know if its this loss at the holidays getting to me or the medication change up. Not that I ever stopped missing him, I'm just feeling it a lot more the past week or so.

It may be a combination of both making you feel this way.. Also the holidays are a hard time for anyone with depression
Talk to your psychiatrist/counselor about healthy ways of coping, they usually find unique methods that work
Once you settle into the new medication or find a medication that works best for you, you should start feeling yourself slowly accepting this.. I'm so sorry about what's happened my thoughts and prayers are with you, it just takes time... Take your life one day at a time

I just want to thank you all. I am glad he's out of pain. I try to remember that when I get to missing him. I know the winter worsens my depression because I can't get out as much.
I did call my neurologist and left a message so hopefully they will call me back. It'd be nice to feel better. I'd love a night of sleep.
Again thank you.