Posted 1/7/2013 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't been on here in such a long time, which means I was doing pretty well until now. This Forum has been very helpful with suggestions and advice that I am truly appreciated. I am now back with a little situation that has been in the back of my mind for several weeks.
The year of 2012 were very rough for me, but I handled and got through everything in a positive mature way, no self harm nor the idea of giving up. I pushed through all the obstacles that threw in my way. I was abused, I was raped, I was depressed, I lost friends, I lost love, I was rejected, and I almost lost myself in the long run. However, I held on tights to my values and pushed really hard to move forward in order to keep a smile on my face because I was told a smile brights up the room.
Before Christmas 2012, one of my closed friends told me "I think you have histrionic disorder, and I think you should talk to your therapy about that. I love you and I thought I should be honest with you because you crave for drama, and now drama is not in your life anymore. You seek for drama in my life and I feel used by you..." Those very words brought tears to my eyes and I didn't know what to think. She has been thinking about this for months because we drove back home together and she handed me a print out about Histrionic Personality Disorder. I read the whole thing, I just started to tears up because all the stuff I went through in 2012 could have been prevented, and I started to blame myself for all the things that happened to me. Then I realized, I have never asked to get raped, I have never asked to get abused, I have never asked for anything that happened to me because I have been a very positive person and cheerful even when things get rough. I opened up a lot more with people, and I learned to be honest with my feelings without holding anything back. I never started drama in her life except the fact that I helped her to realize her feelings for the person she loves. I was protected of that person because I know she would hurt him, but I never said anything. I kept it inside, but recently, I seek advice from a person I trust and he told me to stay out of it, which I did.
However, since the day she told me about that disorder. I feel like the wall started to build up within me and the entire world. For weeks, I was depressed and questioning my values, and wondering if something is really wrong with me psychologically. I stopped talking to people, stop wanting to open up, I even stop enjoying the things I used to like. I wonder how can someone tell if I have a Histrionic disorder without me knowing it?
I am a very caring person and my friends think I worry too much because when we all went out. I made sure everyone got home safe, and that no one should be drinking and driving. If all my friends drink, I stay sober to make sure no one is harm. I made everyone send me a text to tell them they're home ok because of what happened to me. I was drunk and no one took care of me, I ended up raped by a stranger. It damaged me until this day so I tried by best to protect anyone that I can possibly can. I don't undertand whether me doing that is the right thing.
On top of that, I have never made up false stories to tell in order to get attention, I have been honest, but now this friend of mine questioned all my stories and believed I fabricated things in order to get attention and sympathy. I never had a great relationship in my life from men, men cheated on me, abused me, and lied to me. I shared those stories with her, and the only man in my life who has been there, shares understandings and things in common with me falls into the friend zone. I am starting to believe because of my many unfortunate events occurred so often that they think I created them out of nothing.
I am confused as you can tell, I am trying to speak to my therapist about this disorder because I always believe if I am true to myself and live in the morals I was taught, then I shouldn't have to answer to anyone. But somehow this bugs me so much because friends shouldn't have said that? Am I right or am I wrong?