Can't deal...

my grandma passed away last month and she was like a mother to me... I feel guilty and blame myself because, the older I got, the less I went to see her. My kids barely knew her. Today is her birthday, she would've been 92. So, yes, she had a long life. But I'm selfish and I want her here. I can't cope. Everything makes me think about her. Especially today. It's heartbreaking that my kids will probably not remember her. She was like a mother to me. I'm so depressed.

my sincere condolences,
with healing compassion,
jamie.

My doc added Prozac to my meds (in hope that would help this funk I'm in).

So sick,

I want to point out your list of diagnosis. Then I would like to remind you that you are raising children. This can not be easy. I do not know where your grandmother was residing, unless it was with you; which it was not, visiting her would be a difficult thing to fit into life.

You are blessed to have all the memories, love to remember. So many people do not have this. To be able to hand this down to your children is priceless. To be able to draw strength for your self from that love is a great gift.

You will find through your grieving process the joy in your relationship with your grandmother and soon the guilt with go away if you allow it. You can not be a grand daughter while being a mother at the same time and dealing with all the illness. You can only do the best you can.

Karen gave you some very good advice, I would like to add, perhaps a grief group or a therapist would be helpful if you can. Either way give yourself a break.

Stay strong.
Peace
Trina

I can understand you feelings. However, we can not live our lives by "what ifs". We can only "live" in the present.

I am sure your grandmother would not want you feeling that way you do.

Mindful.org is a good place to go for some ideas about being grateful for our pasts and living in the now.

I hope it helps.
Peace
Trina

I have never lost someone close to me, but my grandmother (who will also be 92 soon) isn't doing too well, so in a way maybe I can see how that feels and how much it hurts. Take comfort in the fact that you had her for so long. Not very many people get that luxury.

You can't change the past.. I'm sorry for what you are going through but things that seem like mistakes looking back, was simply living an everyday ignorant routine. At the time you didn't know to cherish every moment but it is a learning experjence and you can still cherish the memories and pass it down to your children.
I agree with everything that's been said: you should talk this out with a therapist or people you trust and do not dwell.

Thoughts and prayers are with you
One day at a time my friend

It's soooo easy to say coulda shoulda woulda. My advice is to use this whole awful painful experience as a reminder to keep in touch with the people you love, no matter what. You might not be able to turn back time and spend more time with your gma, but you CAN make sure that this doesn't happen again with someone else you care about.

A lot of times I find myself getting caught up in just trying to get from one day to the next, and I don't reach out to the people around me as much as I should. One of my New Years Resolutions is to break that cycle and start talking to people more. Even if it's just for a few minutes.

Just remember that she loved you, and that she knows you loved her too, even if you didn't get to see her as often as you wanted. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel guilty or have regrets.

I feel like as long as we keep the people we've lost in our hearts and memories, and honor them by living the best life we possibly can (the way they would want us to), then they're never really gone. A part of her will always be with you.