im trying so hard to find a reason not to give up. my life has once again hit rock bottom and after about 15 or 20 times, it makes me wonder what ive done to deserve all this. im not a whiner. really. i just feel to the point of breaking and this time not to return. im getting really tired of standing in the blast of the wind, that i know will knock me down again, just as it has darn near since i was a tiny child. i start to wonder if some people are just put here to be made an example out of, and suffer for it! i was raised very strict and abusively. i went from that into one after another of abusive and distructive relationships, weather it be a significant other, or friends. but that strict upbringing also was based on old fashioned morals and so ive always been a firm beliver that you treat others with respect, help the less fortunate, turn the other cheek, and conduct yourself as a lady, and the like. and being taught to be the meek and mild type ive found, has gotten me repeatedly used and victimized. and i was never close to my mother, since she was so judgemental and hard-handed. i was to do as i was told without question, and by the book. one mishap could turn into a severe punishment, and god was brought into it due to the religion i was raised in, so god was to be feared, like a giant who could squash a bug if he wanted, and would, if you get out of line. very controlling was this "faith" and judgemental, not to mention extreme and to the point of fanatical and obsessive. all we did, EVER, was to to be somehow reflect the god we represent, and if you messed up, you were shunned and cast out. as my mother did many times over. and when i was sexually abused by a church elder, i was told i shouldnt spread such lies about gods appointed leaders! and that my mom was to keep her mouth shut , for they could handle the matter within the church, that the "worldly" influence of the people outside the church was unclean and tarnished. if i had an opinion i was accused of "backtalking." if i was to have normal feelings, they were soon snuffed out and i was made to feel ashamed, bacause only Satan could be to blame, and how DARE i let him take control!! so i couldnt talk and get close to my mom as i wanted so badly, for she would judge and condemn me, then the beating would come. i finally walked away from that at the age of 20, when i came to the conclusion that this certain god hated me, and id never be worthy of him. my mothers words were-"you are now void of gods love, he wont even hear your prayers now." so, not only could i never please her, i could never please god. i was worthless and dead to them both. and they alienate you from that "tainted" world, which is really ANYONE not within the church. so, i had no one. my friends and my mom wouldnt even speak to me. they would say that i was like the unclean now, only worse, because i once knew the way and turned my back on god. i was thrown out over something i didnt even do!!!! but they told me at the time that they didnt have enough proof that i DIDNT do it either. i hung my head and heart for years, moved out on my own, and was alone and lonely. that is why i think i started to shower anyone who gave me attention in any form with pure love and 100% of all i did, getting me used and abused for being desperate for love and attention. its been many years, and ive lost all of my family. the ones left, who i didnt watch die of cancer, young and painfully, or see their life get taken in horrible ways, too soon. the onlybrother i had who cared that i was alive even a little is now dead because he died of heart failure after watching his 3 year old boy get run over in front of his eyes. and the other brother was mean and insulting, but didnt deserve to die suffering with acute lymphomic lukemia as he did. he just became the bitterness he knew. i strove to be the opposite of the hate and cruelty id always known. it didnt help me any. i was beaten nearly to death and i now have an uncurable brain aneurysm as a result, glaucoma because of the pressure it has on my eyes. and last year a small stroke. i was told i wont make it beyond 40 years of age because of the thinning of the walls of the vein. i have also since been diagnosed with stage four cervical and uterine cancer. ive given so much to men and friends to be used and abused, and even sent to prison as a result of my loyalty. i have two gorgeous children who witnessed the beatings, and mental and emotional torture, as a result were affected. i had to leave them both and serve 3 years because of being set up by a "friend" and didnt know the warning signs because of my suppressed and controlled upbringing, and not ever experiencing anything. gullible. and so in need of acceptance, attention and love that i didnt see the evil in anyone till it was too late. i still feel shunned and unloved. that i will never be good enough for anything. or deserving. worthless. thats all i was ever told. you believe it after its lterally beaten into you, and you are like a caged animal under someones constant cruel accusations and insults. thats why i dont have friends, and my last relationship nearly got us all killed. hes now in prison for killing his uncle. he controlled my life for 6 years and tried to kill me every time i tried to get away. 6 years of pure hell. of course, it always has been in one way or another. im sick and raising my kids alone. struggling for every penny, as i have always known, even growing up. but still somehow i want to see the good in people, and believe they deserve a chance. and give more than ive ever gotten, and end up being wrong. every time. and hurt, used and betrayed. whats wrong with me that even though i desire to be hard nosed and firm with people, and tell people no, and get out, and go away, that i just dont have it in me to become that way!!!?? ive tried! i simply cannot become like all the people ive been around. i somehow in my needy and neglected heart and mind believe that theres still good people that just need love to bring it out. god! my upbringing has been the thorn in my side! but yet i stive to be the opposite. i have now gotten so low, i just want it over. i dont want to be everyones whipping post anymore, just to end up being someones burden when im too sick to care for them instead anymore. im sick, in the head. i really hate being me. i really am one bent up dummy to believe that "the meek shall inherit the earth." bull. they get trampled to death, or they start to be the evil they once despised because this world is cold and cruel. i am now facing homelessness because my landlord wouldnt keep the place up to code for my assistance, and i cant pay rent without it. we dont have heat, because he wouldnt fix the furnace, and i havent the means. we dont have water because the water heater caught fire and it will not be replaced. and now the landlord is in jail and the government is about to sieze the place for back taxes. i have no way to pay all my rent nor deposits out of pocket, and no one to seek for help. my mom wont help, and the agencies dont know how to help this odd situation. im sick from treatment, and very weak most of the time. im dying, and my kids are dependent on me. they're the only reason i havent taken my life yet. (before them i tried several times to no avail) they are the only people who have shown me love. but they are pure and beautiful and i couldnt and wouldnt choose a religion over them!! ever! or make them feel like they cant come to mom, to talk, or help. they didnt ask to be here, and im determined to make sure they have love where i didnt. i dont have money to make thier lives the way i want, or even the way they need nor deserve. i feel an utter failure. always have and will be. and now im so worried what will become of them. but yet im so tired of trying to struggle any longer. i have no one to turn to. and even after my 35 years of begging for love, it looks like i will die without ever having felt what ive continuously gave. and since im denied by god, what the hell has the point of my bitter life even been???? huh?!! im ready to die. im so sick of being the sweet but doormat trodden me, but so unable to kill it. im in so much pain. in my heart. now in my body. i have truly lived to suffer. its true that a flower cannot thrive on a busy highway. isnt it?
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/24/2013 2:29:54 PM (GMT-7)