Hello HealingWell World,
I am normally a very open person, but I don't really know where else to turn. I have always struggled with negative emotions, but I always thought, "That's just who I am...". I suffered alot of abuse growing up, emotional and physical, which then continued by my boyfriend and toxic friends well into my early 20's. I guess I never really dealt with those traumas, or the loss of my father before he reached the age of 50.
I've normally been able to put on a happy face for those around me, including my boyfriend of 3 years, but it's gotten really difficult to keep this up over the last 6months. I only see my live in boyfriend on weekends as he works nights and I work days, so hiding my darkness from him was fairly easy...but I guess really unfair to him.
I finally decided to look into some help last week and I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. I was mortified to tell anyone, but I told my mother, boyfriend, and best friend....and none of them seem to really get it. My mom keeps saying, "But you should be happy, you have everything going for you. You've always been hard on yourself, that's who you are". My boyfriends doesn't understand where this has come from....he obviously feels like this is out of the blue, understandably...but now he just sends me messages all day asking if I'm ok. And my best friend is trying to be supportive but it's a struggle.
I don't know how to explain this to them. I am just always sad and struggling with very negative thoughts. I obsess over things I have no control over, I can't sleep and I'm always exhausted, my eating habits have changed, I feel emotional and very irratable....I struggle with deep feelings of worthlessness.
My doctor started me on Cipralex 5 days ago, 10mg. After 7 days, I am to up the dosage to 20mg. Thus far, I haven't really noticed many side effects, or anything for that matter. I have been clenching my jaw and sometimes have small bouts of jittery energy, but nothing that lasts very long or is very consistent. I haven't had any changes to mood or negative feelings. I have read quite a bit about Cipralex and the stories are all over the map. I guess the reactions are different for each person, but I worry. My doctor was suggesting this for months, but I was so hesistant because of the side effects.
Although the drugs may help, I worry about the underlying reasons for my depression....therapy is quite pricey....any ideas of what can help?? And how can I explain to my family and friends that the depression is their fault??....it just feels like something esle that is wrong with me.