second story of my life being abused

I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO START THIS, BUT I CAN TRY. I HAVE BEEN MENTALLY/EMOTIONALLY/VERBALLY/PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY MY EX BOYFRIEND FOR A LONG LONG TIME. I HAVE DECIDED TO SHARE THIS BECAUSE I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE IT WILL HELP ME THROUGH MY PROCESS.

I LOST MYSELF TO THE POINT WHERE I DON'T KNOW WHO I WAS ANY MORE I WAS IN REAL DEEP BUT NOT ENOUGH THAT I COULDN'T PULL MYSELF OUT. I BECAME A VERY NEGATIVE PERSON. I FORGOT TO EVEN KNOW HOW TO SMILE.

MY EX BECAME MY LIFE. I STOPPED ALMOST EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR HIM. EVERY TIME I THINK OF WHAT HE DID TO ME IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH . I WAS SO BLIND BECAUSE HE ALWAYS CAME ACROSS AS NICE AND FUNNY AND OUTGOING AND PEOPLE GOT ALONG WITH HIM. I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS HIS PERSONALITY.

I WAS MEAN AND IGNORED MOST OF MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO TELL ME THINGS THEY SAW AND TELL ME HOW HE WAS LYING TO ME ...I JUST COULDN'T SEE IT.

I CANT BELIEVE SOME OF THE THINGS I DID AND SAID TO PEOPLE . I DID IT BECAUSE ALL I CARED about WAS MY EX.

HE CONSTANTLY KEPT TELLING ME I WOULD NEVER DO ANY BETTER THEN HIM.

I RUINED ALOT OF GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE FOR HIM. I PROBABLY WOULD BE IN A DIFFERENT PLACE IN MY LIFE IF I DIDNT LET HIM RUIN IT. BUT YOU LIVE AND LEARN AND MAKE MISTAKES I GUESS.

WE WERE ON BREAK FOR 2 TIMES OUT OF THE 15 YEARS TOGETHER. 1 TIME I COULD HAVE BEEN WITH THIS GUY WHO LIKED ME BUT MY EX WRAPPED ME AROUND HIS FINGER AND I WENT BACK TO HIM.

THE OTHER TIME THERE WAS ANOTHER GUY WHO REALLY LIKED ME TOO AND AGAIN I LISTENED TO MY EX INSTEAD OF MOVING FORWARD WITH THIS GUY. THEY BOTH DIDN'T DESERVE WHAT I DID. I SHOULD HAVE LEARNT FROM THE FIRST TIME THIS HAPPENED.

LUCKILY I WAS GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE AT SOME THINGS THAT WERE RUINED. I WAS SO BUSY SATISFYING HIM THAT I FORGOT about MY NEEDS AND WANTS AND MY MORALS AND HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I WILL MOVE FORWARD BUT THIS IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER FORGET. ALOT OF MY FRIENDS WARNED ME BUT I REFUSED TO LISTEN TO THEM.

I SOMETIMES CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO SEE ALL OF THIS. IT TOOK ME FOR HIM TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME AND FOR ME TO SEE A DIFFERENT SIDE OF HIM TO WAKE UP. THEN THE LAST STRAW WAS WHEN HE PHYSICALLY TOUCHED ME.

I NEVER REALIZED THIS WAS A CYCLE/CIRCLE OF ABUSE UNTIL RECENTLY WHERE I STARTED SEEING A THERAPIST SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS.

IAM AFRAID OF GETTING INTO ANYTHING SERIOUS AGAIN BECAUSE IAM AFRAID OF BEING MANIPULATED AGAIN.
I NEVER REALLY KNEW WHAT REAL LOVE WAS
I NEVER REALLY KNEW WHAT A REAL RELATIONSHIP WAS

I THINK I CRIED AND BECAME MORE OF A WORRY WART DURING THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. I WAS ALWAYS SHAKING AND I NEVER WAS REALLY SCARED OF HIM UNTIL HE TOUCHED ME. HE KEPT TELLING ME I OWED HIM THINGS. HE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL BAD AND BLAME EVERYTHING ON ME AND ACCUSE ME OF THINGS THAT NEVER EVER HAPPENED. IT CONTINUED AND GOT REAL BAD.

MY FRIEND TOLD ME HE WAS TREATING ME MORE LIKE PROPERTY THEN A PERSON.
I EVEN DEVELOPED AN EATING DISORDER THROUGH ALL OF THIS.

IAM DOING MY BEST AND TAKING MY LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK AGAIN AND BE SATISFIED OF MYSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS BEEN A HORRIFYING EXPERIENCE FOR ME. IT HAS MADE ME A STRONGER PERSON. I HAVE BEEN READING A BOOK CALLED "WHY DOES HE DO THAT" WHICH HAS HELPED ME ALOT.

I REALLY DO THANK MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT WERE THERE FOR ME THROUGH THIS. I KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN ANNOYING AT TIMES.

IAM SORRY FOR NOT LISTENING TO YOU GUYS.

ALOT MORE WENT ON THEN JUST THIS BRIEF STUFF I WROTE BUT I AM NOT WANTING TO DISCUSS THAT.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW ON MY OWN AND FIX MY MISTAKES THAT I CAN FIX. IAM HAPPY TO SAY HE IS GONE OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. YES I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT I MEAN IT THIS TIME. HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR QUITE SOMETIME ALREADY.

ITS about ME NOW AND MY LIFE. TIME TO EXPERIENCE DIFFERENT THINGS FOR MYSELF.

ONE DAY I WILL FIND LOVE AND REAL LOVE THIS TIME WHERE I AM RESPECTED AND TREATED AS AN EQUAL. ONE DAY I WILL KNOW WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FEELS LIKE.