any suggestions, if so thank you. x

hey everyone.
there's so much to say that's happening in my life between my head been messed up from xanax abuse especially and family problems.
Iv been off xanax a good 9 months now , struggling with a lot of depression , low self esteem and just a genuine confused and messed up mind.
nut the background of it all is ....
Im 21, my dad past away when I was 17 and as far back as I remember we never got on , he was an alcholic and a serious gambler, I never got to see my mam because either she was working or sleeping to work. :/ I didnt have a life , i'd be grounded over the simplest things e.g for being around 10 minuts late in at night and would get a slap and roared at, I turned into a very rebellious teenager trying to get out the whole time basically just didnt like being at home , I always said I hated my dad he was far too mean , never could show love , nothing. when he died I blocked it out but my bother (now 19) just started to give me abuse the whole time, he has an addiction of his own but its been going on since even before my dad pasted away up until now , he even lashes out at my mam, my mam is depressed her self, shes on proxac ( if thats spelt right) for a good few years now so I think that makes her more soft and lenient but I just cant handle my brother , the way he treats me is a disgrace I tryed to ignore him, do things for him etc. but nothing I do will make him stop,like this behavior isnt normal I sometimes think is could be schizophrenia.:( I tryed to look into family counselling but my mam told me she doesnt ant that.:/ ''people coming into my home and telling me what to do'' as she says :/ I was going to ring the guards on him one morning because he just attacked me , I just basically had enough but my mam asked me not to that she was going to get a counseller in , but sure that idnt happen.:/ dont get me wrong theres good days aswel. good days wouldnt be great , only consist as ignoring eachother whicj isnt good really just better than when he pulls his skits.. I have always felt he has put me down ect, my mam feels bad towards him aswel. I just really need advise on even how to cope better , of anyone knows how I feel in every aspect. I would really really love to move out but my income is only a 100e a week , so I'v no choice other than to stay, im not making myself out to be an oil painting , attiction has been a big part of my life aswel , Im only out of treatment 7months , but I can defiantly say I am not mean towards ppl I have a lot of compassion. I had read the secret , big into all of that, but my heads far to messed up woth everything I just would ike someone to help and hopefully have some tips for me because I will defo use them. <3

sorry for the essay ( wrong spellings) but I just dunno what else to do.
thank you for reading. xxxxxxx

also my doctor put me on lexapro 2weeks ago, I still havn't felt any affects, I know nobody can say for exact but how long did it take for anyone on these to feel the effects, and maybe this is a bit silly but the effect of xanax could I be thinking its the xanax that has my concentration levels down but really its depression, I know none of yas can evaluate me but and feedback form anyone elses experiences would be much appreciated. :)
thanks so much x

Post Edited (confused91) : 4/24/2013 6:06:44 PM (GMT-6)

thank you for all your feed back very much appreciated. :)
I'm defo going to look into counselling.
yes thats the gist. Ive sent my CV into everywhere around here , none of them got back to me. :(
yes I'd love to be a youthworker, I went to college for two months but I dropped out over a few different reasons. Thats when I started my xanax abuse. I never knew how bad the side effects form them where at the time until I went into treatment. the effects are still effecting my life because I could of got a course in fas but I just pulled back and said whats the point if I have a bad memory etc. I do think very postitive about the future but thats all I can do because the present isn't positive atal.
I want to be big in life have a purpose I dont just want to exist and thats exactly what my current situation is just existing.:(
I'v very low confidence where that also stopped me from trying to get another course, I feel like xanax has ruined my mental state, like my memory , my ability to actually concentrate. I dont know what to do, and living here is just making things worse. But the good thing is me and my mam have a great relationship , its just my brother that needs to chill out and stop ordering and shouting his mouth of the whole time, I would personally like to get a social worker or something in to resolve all the issues, he gave out to be last night over something that was annoying him and then he texted me when we where all in bed saying sorry my heads just wrecked so I texted him a really long message back saying we should try get help all this and he text back '' I knew I shouldn't of said anything night'' all I want is to get out but he just makes it far to hard on me and my mam , because he shouts at my mam alot aswel.
I did look for a nice affordable place around here but I had no luck, I would love to move out into my own space and independence.
does anyone know any good tips of improving confidence. :)
thanks for the help. xxx

thank you for wanting to help :) I do really appreciate your reply!
its just hard to put it all together, I've never even tryed writing it down until coming on this forum. Theres just so many issues I need to deal with but I dont know how.
Like you read from my other comments my dad, my bother, my mam, my confidence/self esteem, my addiction(which messed up my whole inner self) life has just been a really bumpy ride since as dar back as I remember. I dont even know who I am , I go by what people tell me (not everything , I hope I can explain it right :/) for example I was always put down as a child , firstly by my dad who always used to tell me I was stupid, useless. then by my bestfriend who basically said I wasn't pretty. So I believed that. I always ''thought'' I wasn't pretty. I ''thought'' I had a big nose that wa the main thing I hated. I would say I really wana get an nose job and she would say yeah sure what ever makes u happy yanno but turns out I DONT have a big nose and far from it but I can only feel (and from what people tell me) that I dont have a big nose but in the mirror I see completely different. :O its actually sooooo weird. I still to this day cannot see anything that everyone else tells me. Like not so long ago my bestfriend actually asked (which I can understand) was I saying I didnt think I was nice looking and that for attention.:O she is the best nest friend I could ask for. I know that this is long but I really dont know how put everything in words.:O yous are probably thinking why cant you go and say all this to a counseller. But Ive been at so many of them , I could never open up to them only one. was ony going to her for a short time and she had to move away to england. :( (she asked my brother not to say nothing because she wanted to) but he did. I was heartbroken. Since then Ive been to so many including a treatment centre. Im reallly not a bad person and I 100% know that and so does my family and friends but I often ask myself why does all this happen to good people. Which then I realised its because of us. Im not saying all from when we where young and stuff ut because we are thinking bad feling bad that we attract bad into our lives. I always try to help my friends and family and give them good advise but I just cant give myself any. this is so muddled up and everythings everywhere but this is all how I feel, I could prob carry on but its far to long , one thing popped into my head there. My doctor put me on lexapro (I didnt wana go on them because of how bad I was affected my xanax but he assured me they here nothing like them, not addictive or depentant, so I said I would give them a go because I want to get better. I do have thought of suicide BUT i would never put anyone through any of it, my friend MY BROTHERS BEST FRIEND hanged himself about 3 weeks ago and died , it really is so hard because I know Im at a lot of miss over this but i cant cry (only when I have a few drinks in me) even at my dads funeral I didnt cry. THREE times exactly throughout his awake. I was the las person to go into him. I just couldnt, I didnt go into my friend either, bt I had toith my dad yanno.:/ then my other friend who dies over an addicton. it just ruins everything. I sapose what Im doing now is just etting it out there, I know ths is really long but I wana just get it all out , I need it all out there is far too much stuff in ,y head to deal with:( for example I can sleep now like no prob but before I never could , I repeat an affirmation every night without fail to help go to sleep and also help myself. my farmiliar one that I say the most is ''I love myself'' (havn't believe it yet but I WILL) I keep walking away from this and coming back it just gets really hard to keep writing but Im not guna look through any of it or go back over anything so I can read it for myself and then yous have an idea of what is going on...I would love to be able to just have a one on one with someone like me so I can relate and understand wth them. :*

thank you for reading :*

AND thank you Carl for replying.
because YOU are the one that kept this ''rolling''. :)

I cant only imagine how long this is but I want to post it anyway because 1) I wana see how I feel in writing myself. 2) For support. *AND* just incase someone like me needs to read that theyre not the only ones that feel the way they do.

realy an truly lots of love to everyone. x

And I also know its all over the place so sorry if its hard to understand.<3