Husband got tired of my sadness and left

Please help me. My husband and I lived in different states while I was in law school, but when I graduated I moved from the west coast to the east coast because my husband wanted to live here. I have always had depression but I had a good psychiatrist and good friends in California and I loved the area I lived in.

But when I got here I fell deeper and deeper into a depression. At that point I was no longer insured, so no more antidepressants. You all probably know what happens: I stopped wanting to go out, stopped wanting to meet new people, stopped having fun, and started generally disliking everything and being judgmental and mean-spirited. I got clingy and jealous and resentful. To make things worse, I absolutely hate the area, hate my commute, hate the way people interact here (DC metro area).

I now have a job, which I absolutely love. It is the one bright spot in my life, plus it provides excellent health insurance. It took forever for me to find a psychiatrist who was accepting patients but I had my first appointment a couple of weeks ago and am now looking for a counselor to try to help me out of this.

But my misery has driven my husband away. At first he didn't think depression was a real thing and I could just "pull myself out" of it. But now he believes it's a real thing, he just says I've been too horrible and he can't put up with me. I begged for marriage counseling, but he asks how that would make me nicer. He pointed out that probably most men would have cheated on a person like me by now.

As I write he is out looking for a new apartment. I am going to be alone here, in a city I hate, without my friends. Please help me, I have no idea what to do.

Hi Sad Kat,

Just saying hi and welcome. I'm sorry about your depression and all the things that have happened. When someone is going through depression, I think they should have supportive people around them to get through this. Sorry that your husband was not supportive. You sound like you're getting back on track with that job you have and enjoy. Not sure if you can probably make friends with some of your co-workers so you can have friends there. Some of my co-corkers and I are great friend. However, I know this doesn't work out in all jobs.

I hope things continue to improve for you. Please know that we are here for you.

UA

Thank you, everyone, for your kind thoughts. Trina, thank you so much for telling me I am still a good person. I feel like the most worthless waste of space on earth; I'm still in the darkest part of this depression, and it is as much as I can do to keep getting up and going to work every day. I have had episodes like this previously, and I know the most important thing is not to let the depression take everything from me - it will go, eventually, and I need to make sure when it's gone I still have my job and my apartment.

I told my dad what's going on, and he's thrilled - apparently he has always seen my husband as selfish and narcissistic. My dad is rejoicing at a "cancer that's been cut out of the family." But I...I really loved my husband. I still do. At a time my dad wanted to cut me out of the family, my husband was there for me (yes, I come from a pretty emotionally unhealthy family). And I can hardly handle the feelings of rejection and loneliness. I'm overwhelmed with anger at myself for destroying this relationship. And, most of all, I am so very alone here (with the exception of my very loyal cat).

Update: As I typed, my husband returned and said that if we were willing to see each other's points of view we might work things out and be happy together. I am so confused. More than ever I have no idea what to do.

Sad Kat,

I sympathize with you, and my heart goes out to you. You and I kind of sound like the same entity. Depression is something I've lived with for many years, and it has definitely pushed people away from me. It can make me short tempered and angry at the world. Unlike you I have a chronic illness as well which has put me on permanent disability from my job so the two are a hard mix. Just recently my seven year relationship fell apart. Most people say that this person was never worth it and only wanted me to support them. I blame myself of course and feel guilty, but we had issues and I never addressed them. It takes everything I have not to pick up the phone as this was a long distance relationship, but I refrain because I don't want to face more hurt. I agree with another member that perhaps when your depression stabilizes you may have a clearer view what to do regarding your husband. Just don't blame yourself. We have an illness called depression very misunderstood even by our most loved ones. I totally get how you feel, but I'm trying to push forward holding on to the feeling things will get better and this is not the end of the world. Possibly a door closing and another one opening offering a new beginning. Please be strong, and I encourage you to stick with your counseling appointments.

Best always,

Jeff