Posted 5/27/2013 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Just joined the forum and appreciated everyone's welcome. I'm clinically depressed along with a chronic illness. I have been on disability for many years. Been in counseling since 1987. Began antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications in 2000. Currently I'm on Wellbutrin and Clonazepam. My life has been a series of peaks and valleys as probably most of ours has. Most of my long term relationships have ended badly, as have some friendships. According to my counselors I am a person who can be taken advantage easily, but I just don't know when it's happening or why. I am definitely a giver, but when you give and give, then get burned in the end, well, you get become suspicious of people. I just had another long term long distance relationship end of seven years. All that energy put in but for what. Also, after I lost my Dad in 2011, who was my best friend, I feel a lot of myself died with him. He really understood me and me him. My mom died in 1999 who also had suffered from chronic depression very deeply. I lost my entire existing family, my sibling and her family, due to a nightmare of a probate. My sister and I have always had a very stressful relationship. I had to hire an attorney to take over all communication and affairs of the probate on my end to protect myself from her mean and toxic behavior. She made it clear none of the family will have anything to do with me following probate. And so it has held true. I hired an attorney because it was a very complicate estate, and with my illness and depression I couldn't handle it myself. This set my sister off apparently, as I suppose they wanted it all. I bailed and gave her much I should have had just to end this. So bottom line, losing family, having friends suddenly turn against you, makes you scared of meeting people because of being hurt. I'm now trying to rebuild my trust but it is at an all time low. Perhaps the final blow has been losing three of my closest and most solid and trusted friends in the past three months, one just a few days ago. Generally I have been able to climb out of these holes of major depression, but it just keeps coming and coming. I know there is no real answer. But I can't help but feel sad, almost, terrified of what's going to happen next. My therapist feels I should add more medication, but I don't want to be completely numb. Hopefully a lot of this is circumstantial and a new door will open to a bright new world like it has before. This has just been a long wave to ride. I'm so thankful to have found this forum because I think you understand. Thanks for being here. I truly mean that.
Best,
Jeff