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severely depressed boyfriend broke up with me

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Posted 6/20/2013 10:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hi.. i must say that i strongly appreciate anyones advice on this matter.

A few days ago my severely depressed boyfriend broke up with me claiming i am much better off without him ..He wants to fight this battle by himself.. He's on strong medications ...seeing psychiatrist ...so he is getting help.. at the moment he's got his hand full helping him self..quitting smoking and alcohol all at once while working full time...I sent him a text message last night telling him i love him regardless and when he gets pass this temporary stage everything will be okay as it is not permanent what he's feeling...( if there's any feeling at all ) he doesn't feel anything at the moment and is done in his life...I'm hanging on edge at the moment..as much as i want to walk away from it all and pretend i never knew him its so hard to let go as i love him deeply and we had future plans together... i don't want to move on because many people here can relate to that it feels like i cheat on him ...its a very difficult situation and i would like to get some advice as what is the best way to approach the situation ! I dont call him...and i told him i will give him alot of space from now on...and yet not knowing if that is the best way to go about it ! i'm so worried about him...He did say that maybe when the time is right ( when he's better and i'm still single) we will be together again ...yet he doesn't wanna give me false hope for me to cling onto...

how should i approach the situation..
Posted 6/20/2013 11:21 AM (GMT 0)
He probably feels broken at the time and that he couldn't treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. When we are depressed, we feel incomplete. And like we are no good for anybody. Give him time and space to get his head clear. If it is meant to be, he will come back to you in time. In the meantime, get on with things. Don't sit waiting for something that may never happen. That doesn't mean that you have to find another man. Just move forward with your life and growth.

I hope that things work out for you. It is hard when you are in love with somebody that isn't well. Take it one day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/20/2013 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
...Thanks for the hug Karen... I really need it.
..He was actually an ex of mine who was still in love with me after 4 years. When he got me back which was 2 weeks ago he begged me for a second chance. He told me that i am a special girl and should be treated as such. He told me he will treat me the way i should be treated in life forever.
I did not know about his depression and i finally gave him a chance. I think the whole relationship thing was too much for him ...he was single and alone ever since we broke up.. I think it triggers his depression to a severe stage.. The commitment we were giving to one another was huge... I have fallen back in love with him instantly and I find it very hard to not contact him and hear from him each day. I take it one day at a time as you suggested. I try to surround myself with friends. Every time I'm alone, i really want to give him a call or offer him a big hug... He felt pressured that he couldn't offer me happiness the way I deserve so it hurts him more and made him even more depressed.

I am sad that he is not allowing me to show him how much I am willing to stand by his side...through thick and thin... He refused to drag me onto his dark space with him.. at least he's trying to fix himself and I can only support him from a distance... I hope he can feel my love regardless of whether I contact him or not... I hope when he comes back...He will be much better and we can start on something beautiful together again....I won't wait on it and will live my life and growth... At the moment i really don't see myself moving on with someone new...It is unavailable and if its meant to be..hopefully our hearts will re-connect again...

I much appreciate your support. This forum feels like a life saver for me.. It is very hard when you love someone who is sick but is pushing you away.. you feel hopeless because you can't help them I'm trying to understand his illness but yet can't be there for that person you love.. its a horrible feeling.. I really wish he gave me a chance to show him how much support i could have given him...I got to trust him that he did it for the best ..for the both of us...again depression doesn't allow you to think or feel clearly..in fact it stops you from feeling anything at all..
Posted 6/20/2013 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
At least he is trying to help himself. Some don't and it is very hard for the people around them. I think that this is going to work out. I am glad you aren't looking for anyone else through this difficult time. You are thinking of him and of yourself, that is a good thing. Gradually he will come back to you as he feels better. Depression is a funny kind of animal. It attacks when least expected. You never see it coming. But there is room for growth and improvement with both of you. I think he knows you are there for him, and a gentle reminder from time to time would probably be okay. I don't know why we isolate ourselves but we do. I guess it is to not hurt others.

Have a great day. Get out for a walk if you can, it really helps.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/20/2013 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome sasweets,

I am not a professional , however it sounds like you may have some codependcy going on with the BF.

I would talk some time and let things settle. Let him work on his stuff.

Take time for yourself, do things that you have always wanted to do but could not because of his battles and depression. Go to the beach on your own. Go Hiking with friends, etc. whatever it is DO IT! Be Brave!

Self-love is the first step is independence and security in ourselves, once we love ourselves we can start to help other people more.

I wish you peace and strength. Give posting here, we try to support and listen the best we can.

Peace
Trina
Posted 6/20/2013 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi...

Having been a smoker and an alcoholic(still am but don't drink)... I read what you wrote about him quitting EVERYTHING AT ONCE....very bad, bad, idea. When I quit smoking 16 years ago, it made my crazy!.. I got paranoid.. I was angry, I was irritable, I didn't want to do anything except be in a mini rage in my mind.. Back then they didn't have Zban and Wellbutrin.. after a week of going nuts.. I got over it and havent' smoked since... having quit alcohol and been in treatment centers more than Lindsy Lohan(i got her beat!.. :).. There is something called PAWS.. it's Post Accute Withdrawl Syndrome. It basically is all the after effects that happen to you when you give up heavy drinking.. they are real and include depression, anger, etc.. Search it on the internet..I'm sure there is plenty on there about it. There is also a med called NALTREXONE that reduces the cravings for alcohol.. It works.. I was on it... it also gave me a very "calming" feeling...just like a SSRI med..


Anyway.. quiting everything now approach is setting him up for failure.. He finally got you back and now he says 'no'?.. I think it's heavy withdrawl talking. He need to quit ONE thing at a time.. I understand he wants drastically to improve..but it's too much for the mind to cope with all in one battle. I quit drinking recently and am doing ok.. 16 years after I quit smoking.. I should have done it the other way around but oh well... So please.. text him(maybe) and let him know there are very real mental effects to as what he is trying to do... My advice having done it.. quit drinking 1st.. it will ruin your life faster than smoking a cig.. then down the road... try quiting cigarettes... good luck.

Post Edited (Joneb2) : 6/20/2013 3:38:29 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/20/2013 10:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your support and advice. They are very helpful , I am taking it one day at a time and start doing things I have always been wanted to do. Taking lessons, going to things I never been to etc. work also keeps my mind off things. As off trying to tell him to quit one thing at a time , I tried to tell him that would be too much for him . He said that they will give him the same effect so he might as well do both . I think he wants to get better as soon as possible . He had a break down last week hence why he broke things off with me . At this point if I try to contact him and give him advice he will probably take it as a grain of salt . I hope that his psychiatrist is guiding him to the right direction . I hope nothing more but for him to get better . He was drinking 2 bottles of wine every night and smoke probably 1-2 packages every day. Mind you he did quit smoking for 2 years but I don't think he tried quitting drinking at the same time . He could be suffering from Bipolar disorder . I can only support him from the distance at the moment . I really do appreciate your advice and support . Im thinking of writing him how I feel about the whole situation maybe in a week also. Hopefully he will settle down a little . He is working full time while doing all of this .. I have a strong instinct that it will cause a dramatic changes in his life in a positive way, let's hope so ! He is taking 6 pills in the morning . There are 3 different kinds . I wish I could be there and help him through it. However that is impossible so all I can do is sit back and trust my instinct that he will be okay while I'm living my life ...;)
Posted 6/20/2013 10:55 PM (GMT 0)
While I'm trying to move on with my life *
Posted 6/21/2013 9:34 AM (GMT 0)
That is good Saweetz,

Work on you now. That is the best that you can do at this time. We can always improve on ourselves. Take it one day at a time. You will get there. I hope that things work out for you and your boyfriend. I hope that after he gets things worked out with him, that he goes back to you. Keep on keeping on. That is the best we can do.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/24/2013 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone , just an update that ...We kind of gotten back together. We had a good night together few nights ago...We did not discuss the label of our relationship. He didn't have any drink for the whole week and the night he wanted me to come over and talk it out was when he drank again. I told him it is okay to drink once a week and slowly does it. He has not started quitting cigarettes yet and i think that is a good idea as slowly win the race. He told me everything about his illness. He said I know more about him than anyone does...He is allowing me to to support him...so i'm taking it one day at a time. We sent few messages last night .. today i only sent him a quick message asking how his day was. I am not so sure how to go from here. I am still giving him a lot of space but yet find it difficult to stop myself from spending time with him as i miss him heaps when i don't see him. However i know he doesn't feel...much at the moment and right now what matters the most is him getting better...and me getting better.. I don't want to bother him with my needs.. etc I think i have to focus on ME as well. As much as i doubt his love for me ( silence...) I'm trying my best to not take it personal...it is very difficult... I hope he gets better soon.. As much as i want to walk away ...it is difficult for me to just walk away. I feel that if i was living together with him..i would understand him better ! and i wouldn't have this ...sad feelings about the whole situation ! ...time and space...win the race....lets hope so !
Posted 6/24/2013 10:10 AM (GMT 0)
Saw,

we can only do what is available to us at the moment. Do not give away you mental health for the sake of this relationship.

Remember to take care of number 1. That would be you.

Peace
Trina
Posted 6/30/2013 7:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hey saweetz

I am going through the exact same thing as you are too. My bf of 5 months has totally in the last 2 weeks pushed me away. He says that he is to messed up and he wants to make me happy he just can't. His words are I'm just shut down and i feel nothing. I have no emotions and i know what I'm doing to you. He says i don't deserve this and that i am so amazing to him. I don't get it?? I let him know that regardless I will always be here for him and that I have faith in our relationship. I let him know I would support him through this and he would always have me here when he is ready. We have been friends for over 2 and a half years before we started dating so we have major history. I love him so much I just can't let him go. We had plans for me to move there as we have a little bit of distance in our relationship. I text him to see how he is and some days he will reply others not so much. He won't pick up my calls. I don't know what to do I'm so lost. I hope you know your not alone
Posted 6/30/2013 9:09 AM (GMT 0)
Heal Me,

Welcome to the the forum.

as with Saw, I have to say that you must start living you own life and moving on. Relationship end, for whatever reason. You can not fix everyone you meet. Especially if they do not want to help themselves.

Do not let this guy take your joy of life away! That would be giving him a lot of control. Not one deserves that, you own your own joy and happiness, no one can give it to you. they can only make it brighter.

Peace
Trina
Posted 6/30/2013 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

Wow. I want to say first off that I am sorry about your break up...i've been there and I know its very very hard, especially when its so new. I can also say that having mental health issues myself I know what it feels like to struggle with a relationship. Now, I don't know the whole story but from what youve provided my guess is that maybe he is feeling overwhelmed and possibly doesn't want to bring you down. Maybe being in a relationship is too much for him right now. What I think needs to be remembered is that if he is sick, he needs to stay focused on his health to get better. If you're meant to be together, it will happen again. I know that sounds cliche but I truly believe that. Also, I think its strong of you to recognize that he may need space and you are doing just that for him, even though it is hurting you. You sound like a gem and he would be lucky to have you. I would say keep giving him space/time...but also maybe check in every once in a while? Maybe a text or check his facebook if he has one? Best of luck!
Posted 6/30/2013 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
Saweetz,

I am so glad that you and him have worked something out and he is letting you be there for him. At a time like this, it is important for him to know that he has support in his life and that people like you will be there for him. I think it is very smart of you to take the decision to quit substances one at a time. Quitting alcohol first is a better choice as well; smoking cigarettes would be better than being dependent on alcohol. You seem to be a very smart person, and so this ex (not ex?) is very lucky to have you. Please do keep us updated on what happens. I am rooting for you both!

Love,
Ally
Posted 11/17/2013 10:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi
I am new to this but please can someone help me?
I am in exactly the same situation as this! Myself and my boyfriend have been together for nearly a year and last month we moved in together as we both had new jobs in a similar area so made sense. We have been arguing a little but I just put it down to a huge amount if change! He has been having problems at work but last week it absolutely exploded. He is now depressed and has been to the doctors about this he has been signed off of work for 2 weeks and hasn't come back to our flat since (staying at his parents) last night he basically ended things and I am absolutely devastated! I don't know what to do with myself! He explained to me that at the moment he felt like he needed a hug and not a kiss and i took that as needing a friend which I totally get! He says he feels the spark has gone and because of all the arguing he feels like we can't go back! I do not have a bad word to say about him he literally adored me and made me feel so cherished! he is everything u would ever want in a life long partner caring thoughtful non selfish! This is all so out if character and I'm totally lost and feel so hurt! I have said things in heated arguments but i never wanted to lose him! I know he's hurting and I know he clearly has something wrong but I feel so isolated and pushed away. Im trying to give space and I just can't and why can't I? How do you do this? It feels so personal on me!
Please can any one help me? I can't describe how hurt I am right now and just don't know who to turn to?
Many thanks
Posted 11/17/2013 11:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hey CharleyD,

I am sorry for what you are going through. If he is depressed, he needs space, and not giving it to him could ruin everything. Take care of you at this time, try to remember all the good things that you went through. Things change in life as well as people do. Take the best out of the relationship and accept that. I don't know if he will come back. But I do know if you don't give him the space he requests, it will blow up in your face.

I am glad you posted. It really helps to get things off of your chest. I hope that things get better soon for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/22/2013 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there I am having the same problem of sorts I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years he has broken up with me twice well as of today 3 times when we first met he was great then later found out he had a drug problem we worked through that and then the depression kicked in he said he has suffed with it for as long ad he can remember. The first time we broke up he said he wasn't sure if he loved me as a friend or a girlfriend because he didn't have much of a sex drive he wasn't sure if it was me or his medication then after 4 days he called me and said he can't live without me he loves me to much then a few months passed and again the sex is no better he has just lost his drive I never pressured him about it but he would put pressure on himself about it and he dumped me again a week before we were due to go on holiday and said he will call me when I get back the day I got home he rang and asked me to meet him and he said he wants to try again and he thinks the reason he couldn't have sex is because I put on weight I lost the weight and sex was getting better for a few weeks things were great he couldn't tell me enough how fantastic I was beautiful amazing person then last week he asked if we could not see each other the weekend cos his head was all over the place he needed time to himself so I said ok was heart broken but still let him know I loved him and was there if he needed me I textd him good morning and good night everyday till he rang me 4 days later and asked to see me we went for a coffee told me he loved me then arranged to meet me later that evening to have sex then later that day tried to cancel ad he was tired and hadn't eaten I said ok but he could hear I was upset so he said don't worry come round see you soon I went round we had sex it felt akward for me as I thought he was doing it out of potty we arranged to do something this weekend and I got a text today saying I'm so sorry to do this to you again but we have to break up the time appart he had last weekend made him realize he can't have a relationship rite now not the kind I deserve he needs to consentrate on himself you are fantastic I love you I always will I'm so sorry and I'm heart broken I don't know if this is the end he says he wants to be friends but I don't think I can do that need help just don't know what to do it don't get any easier the third time around xx
Posted 11/22/2013 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I can see how you would be hurt and frustrated. I think the sex problem is his, not you. It could be his medication. I think he should talk to his doctor about that and maybe switch to something that doesn't give him the sexual side effects.

It is a good thing that he wants to work on himself, you should work on you too. Learn that his problems are not your problems. He owns his depression and has to work on it.

I could see how you could be depressed too. Maybe you should talk to a counselor to get you through this. I think things are going to work out if you both work on yourselves. Take care...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/22/2013 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks karen you are very right I'm not feeling good about myself at all I'm also very angry not at him but the depression he is such a lovely person without it we have been through so much together my struggles as well as his I just hope your right as far as us getting back together at some point my one fear has been he gets better and realizes he is to good for me fingers crossed what ever happens I wish him all the happiness in the world he deserves it thanks again its nice to here someone else's opinion xxx
Posted 1/31/2014 5:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there, I am going through something similar with someone right now, and I don't know whether there is any hope of ever getting back together. He is convinced it's not his depression making him feel this way, but I feel pretty sure it is. Do you have any updates? Did you end up getting back together and if not, have you healed and moved on? I am feeling really hopeless right now so it would be great to hear from someone with a similar experience.
Posted 1/31/2014 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Strawberryfields,

I am not going through anything similar, but wanted to welcome you to the forum. I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/14/2015 9:01 AM (GMT 0)
Hi saweetz,

How's everything going? I am currently experiencing a situation somewhat similar to your post and I don't know what to do. I don't know if he ever thinks of me or we will get back together. He even deactivated his facebook account.

I really don't know what to do now
Posted 10/14/2015 9:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lavenderleaf,

Welcome to the forum. Feel free to start your own thread if you would like.

Hugs, Karen...
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