I feel like a loser being depressed again. I was doing so well before. I am not as far down as I have been in the past, at least I don't want to die and I am not crying all the time.
The thing is, I think I would feel better if I could just cry. I just feel nothing which is worse than feeling sad. Nothing has really happened. Life is the same as it always is. I really have no problems, at least outside of my head. I guess I wish I had something real to complain about
.
I started ****for the first time a few weeks ago and I am struggling with trying not to do it again. It has been about
a week since I did it last. I know that it doesn't help things, but I guess that for a minute it actually makes me feel alive.
I am so tired of being the walking dead. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Life just has no meaning sometimes.
I put in a request to go back on day shift. I am hoping that by not working nights I can try and get a social life again.
I guess the worst thing about
depression is the guilt. There are so many people out there in the world who have had things so much worse than me who are happy. I feel guilty for not being grateful for all that have. I know intellectually that it is not just in my head, that this is a real disease. But sometimes it is so hard. At least when you are really sick people ask after you. When you are depressed they just don't know. And I am so good at putting on a happy face, playing the role I have to just to get through the day. I just want to scream and have someone actually listen to me. I guess that is what I am on here for. I can't hold this in alone any more.
Thanks for listening. I do feel a little better.
Jen
Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 8/13/2013 3:23:22 AM (GMT-6)