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Posted 9/3/2013 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
I am a 36 year old father of five. Three are my bio daughters 2 are result of blending family's. I feel so distanced from them I love them all more than I can express through simple words. But lately I feel used and non consequential I grew up poor and made a pact with myself that I would give my kids all I wasn't. Was that a mistake?? I make on average well over 200k per year as a result I am seldom home. My wife of 6 years after divorce from the mother of my 3 girls, is (I feel ) placing her bio kids above mine. She doesn't work outside the home and I feel she places undue demands on me for financial support of her and her children while I and my three sometimes live in the shadows. I am so hurt and feel alone. I have supported her and all five children with no support from either side, maternal or paternal in way of finance. I just feel like a tool and an ass for giving all and having no help. I have reached my breaking point and would rather live in a trailer with a beat up wreck for a car than live outside my means with bmws and rock revival jeans, miss me this and that it's sick to me. I grew up without and it's time they figure out how darned good they have it.
Posted 9/3/2013 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
Well Daddy51977 .......

   You are truly facing a tough balancing act. It's tough when one of the two partners works so many hours, the other partner most often feels neglected ... and the result, I think, is one of the more common reasons for straying from a marriage commitment ultimately.

   Then you have the blended family. That has got to be difficult. I have been divorced for over 20-years and so has my ex-wife ... neither of us re-marrying. Thank God ... for our kids sake. So I can't picture what pressures the blended family can possibly put on the kids ... or the parents or one parent.

   I can very much understand your feeling about wanting your kids to have all the things you might have been denied ... whether it was because of finances or self-centered parents as you were growing up. I just confessed to an old friend on the phone last night, that I can't stand fishing ... because every stinkin vacation I ever had as a kid was with my parents and on a fishing trip - which is what they wanted. We were a typical middle class family - not poor - but what I wanted was never considered.

   Please first consider seeing a counselor or psychologist. They can be exteremely helpful in guiding one thru difficult times ... I can tell you that from experience. At some point, a couples counselor might be a very good idea ... I've experienced that too. It is so important that you and your wife are both on the same wave-length ... or at least, understand where each of you are not.

   A job or career that keeps you away all of the time is not what you need if you have a family. Some things will have to give. Compromises are in order. And a good couples counselor should make the best referee (if you will) in finding balance.

   You don't need to live in a trailer or driver a beater. I happen to be a car freak ... in my early married years, we had both a Bmw and an Alfa Romeo at the same time. I'm still a car freak ... just that I realize I can't afford an M3 which would be my choice of a Bmw. It's at least 12x the price of our '73 2002!!!!!

   I think you should be able to find a happy medium - BUT - it's got to be you two finding a happy medium. Here again, a couples counselor might be your best choice to be the "bad guy" to your wife ... if there has to be a bad guy.

   Mind you ... as I'm writing this, I'm believing you're currently married for the second time.

Please write again if you have any questions ... and I'm sure others will be along soon. In the meantime, welcome to this Forum.

Rob

 

Posted 9/3/2013 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

You sure are in a difficult spot. I agree with the counseling, it can help you to find a balance with things. It sounds like your wife and her children have come accustomed to a lavish lifestyle. Only you can change this, Only you can stop giving so much. But believe me, it isn't going to happen without people's feathers getting ruffled. But it isn't all together their fault when you have let it get to this point. I am not finding fault or pointing fingers, I am just calling it as I see it.

I feel badly if she is treating your kids different than yours. That totally isn't fair. I think a counselor could help you with that too.

I hope things can work out, and no feelings get hurt. We do this with good intentions but it doesn't always work out. You will get through this though, just put your foot down and start handling the money.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
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