I've written on here a lot about
wanting to change my life and everything. One thing I wanted to change was
my sleep pattern. I fixed it so I wake up in the morning (was waking up in the afternoon/evening before) because I enrolled in school in the morning. I have not had friends for years and my life is very empty, and being awake during the day just makes me realize this even more. I find life so unpleasant and unenjoyable, and I feel off every day and always tired and anxious as well. I experience derealization so I go through every day in a fog. I have negative, scary intrusive thoughts, but I feel numb at the same time, which scares me because it makes me wonder if i'm a horrible person.
My family doesn't care about me, doesn't ask me how i'm doing. Recently a family member had some problems of their own, and I was there to ask them how they were, when they told me many times before that my problems weren't serious. I care about them, so I tried to help them, but part of me wishes I wouldn't have- just leave them all alone like they did to me, but they seemed depressed and like they needed someone there.
I've been depressed on and off for years, but I didn't think feeling this bad was possible. I'm supposed to go see a new psychiatrist, but I was referred weeks ago and haven't got a call yet. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, life
seems so bad, and I can't change the way I feel about it. 
I'd really appreciate any advice right now.