Supporting a partner with depression - Please help.

I have been dating my boyfriend for the last 7 months and he has recently been diagnosed by his therapist and doctor with clinical depression.  This week he started taking anti-depressant medication.  He has had a really rough time over the last two years, and has still going through an acrimonious divorce which has limited his access to his children and has had a financial impact on him. This has really shaken his confidence and has cut to the core of who he is.

He isn't like anyone I have ever dated before.  When he is well, he is funny, charming, generous, smart, a big kid (which I love) and he has absolutely made me feel safe being me, just as I am.  I've come to believe that is what love is, the freedom to be ourselves without judgement or fear. He challenges me, empowers me, and makes me want to be the best version of me, for me, not for him (which is completely new for me). That is why I am here.  Because I know that it is the illness I am dealing with right now, not the man I fell in love with.

Throughout the last 7 months he would have episodes where he would dissappear into what we call his 'bat cave'.  Normally he would ask for time and space and we might go 12 hours with no contact, but he always came back. He can be quite introverted and is a deep thinker so I took it as part of who he is and love him all the same for it.

In the last couple of months, his trips to the 'bat cave' have become longer and more frequent and he has started to get frustrated with me over the smallest things, often just stonewalling me while I sit there wondering what I have done.  He smiles and laughs less.  This then turns into conversations about me, and that he doesn't understand why I am so loving and supportive when he doesnt deserve it or contribute as much as I deserve to our relationship.  We have talked about many things.  He has told me that he is always fearful, and has lost so much of his confidence.  He has told me that it really hurts that he can't see his children and that there is so much pain there.  But recently he has started telling me that he can't talk to me because he doesnt want to burden me.  He has asked me if I think it would be better for me not to be with him. He also tells me that he feels guilty for everything that I do for him, and for all the hurt he is causing me. But when I ask him if we wants me to leave, he always says no.

I have been doing my best to read as much as I can about depression.  I hold a statement in my head "depression can be isolating.  It is a selfish disease and this can be devastating for partners, because there is nothing left to give.  A person with depression is struggling each day, each minute, just to survive.  They don't mean to be selfish but depression is all consuming".  I hold that in my heart and head and remind myself that this is not about me, but it really hurts when his illness shuts me out.  I am a helper by nature, and live a life of service and kindness and I honestly just don't know what to do. 

I found this forum while reading through many, trying to educate myself so that I can understand what he is going through a little better. 

I'd really like your help because I am scared I am going to do something wrong and make it worse.  Am I allowed to tell him if I have had a bad day at work?  Should I tell him if I am upset about something?  Should I tell him if his behaviour has hurt me?

He asked for space and time, but I've been txting (with no expectation of a response) just small messages telling him I love him, and will support him, and I am ready to help if he ever wants or needs it.  Reminding him that I accept him just as he is.  Is this okay?  He has thanked me for these little txts in the past when he has been to the 'bat cave' but always after the fact.  I have previously asked him how I can help.  But he tells me that he has always done things on his own and can't share with me.  Should I keep asking if I can help anyway?

I havent heard from him at all for the last two days and in his last email he said he was 'empty and in the dark' although he was going out with friends to watch a game, which he hoped would pick up his mood.  I don't think he would hurt himself but I am really anxious. Should I tell him that? Can I ask him to check in so I don't get fearful? Should I call to see if he is okay? I am trying to honour his request for time and space, but I am not sure where to draw the line? Please help.

Also, and I know this is a selfish question, does he actually want me to break up with him?  He talks about me being able to find someone with less complications and that our future is always going to be hard work and why would I want that, and it makes me think maybe thats what he actually wants.  Maybe he wants to end things with me but is too fearful to tell me.  When I ask him directly he always says no, but then the next day he will tell me that I deserve so much more.  I don't want things to end.  On his good days, I am with the man I fell in love with and it makes all the hard times worth it, cause I know that is who he really is.  But if I am just making things worse for him, maybe I should end our relationship? Because he doesnt deserve what he is going through right now, and I don't want to make it harder for him than it already is.

I am sorry that this is so long, I've actually started crying as I re-read this because I really want the best for him, but I am not sure who to turn to and I want to be able to help him, if and when he is ready.  In the meantime, I don't want to make the situation worse or add to the hurt and fear that he is feeling.  Books and articles and websites can only do so much.

Thank you for reading.

First of all, men are not really good at expressing feelings. They are doers and fixers and it must be really hard for men to fight depression.  The very nature of depression is self-loathing, lack of self worth and that things will not get better.

His meds may take 6-8 weeks to take effect. But, the bad news that particular med may not help. Many of us go thru many meds before we feel relief. Therapy is a must, especially since there are issues with his kids.

Stand by him but do not crowd him. Try not to tell him that this diet or this book will work. We each work thru this DD in our own way, stumbling many times, but always getting up again.

Your love and support are very important...just let him know you are there whenever he needs you. It sounds as if you are doing the right things, but don't forget about you!  He will bring himself out of this-just be there when he does.

He is lucky to have someone so loving. Many peoplle go it alone.

Let us know-we care

Mags

I just wanted to let you know that my partner has decided to end our relationship and focus on his wellness.  It hurts terribly, but I love him and want him to be well and happy.  That's the most important thing.  I really wanted to share this with you as a reminder that love is real.  It's my response to his last email.  This is my kind wish for all of you who are suffering.  Someone is thinking about you and smiling.  You are so loved.  Here is my message:

I've been sitting here staring at my screen trying to figure out what I want to say and there is only this in my heart...

You are an amazing person.  The first night I met you I was struck by how complex and fascinating you were. I couldn't quite figure you out but I knew that I wanted to be near you and that I wanted to know every part of you.  I remember saying that you were on this fantastic journey, and that your life was in such a period of change. I told you that it was exciting because you were getting to discover who you wanted to be.  That's the most important part now, this is your journey and you get to figure out who you want to be, just for you.

I am so proud of you for taking the time to prioritise your health and well being and for doing what you need to do to protect you.  That's a big step and I know that you can do this. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll be the You that you want to be, and have a life that makes you feel secure and fulfilled at the end of this.

So I thank you for taking the time to reflect and for finding the courage to be honest.  I know that this isn't a decision that you would have made easily or lightly.  Thank you for being brave enough to make the decision and to tell me.

I'd also like to say thank you for all the special moments: the smiles and the giggles, the conversations and the new experiences, the moments of closeness. You made me feel so special, and beautiful, and strong, and brave, and brilliant. You made me want to be better, not for you, but for me. You also made me believe again.  I had been so hurt and so betrayed but you made me believe that I was worthy of love, and a family, and a love story that would last a lifetime. I am so grateful for everything that you have given me and taught me.

Enjoy your time with your parents and children. I'll be away for most of the week for work. Emails or txts are fine but I can't hear your voice just yet. I need some time. I'll let you know when I am okay to talk.

If there is one thing I would want you to know, it is this. You don't have anything to be guilty for.  Not now or for anything that has happened in the past. It's not all your fault. You are such a good person and you deserve a life filled with love and laughter. You are good enough. You deserve to be happy.

I wish you nothing but joy, that is what you truly deserve.

Love always,