Posted 1/18/2014 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't know which forum to put this in, because I am kind of talking about a lot of different things all at once
(I am depressed but I am also concerned about how I am going to live my life with fibro and CFS, so I guess if you find this doesn't fit here then move it if you want to. )
Well first off, right before holidays, I was feeling really fatigued, more so than normal. I had just finished my university exams so I guess that was understandable because I had gotten really stressed about them, but I was really looking forward to the holidays to regain my health a bit since I had lots of time off (no school, and not a lot of work days)
Didn't happen. In fact, things just got way worse, and I guess now that I think about it, the reason for that may be that I was stressing about how my physical health problems keep getting worse in general over the years
The first week back to school I was so excited, but I got so sick with some kind of cold, so I did not enjoy the first week. It was also the week I finally resigned my job, after stressing over it for so long. I came to the conclusion that I don't have enough energy to continue working part time while going to school full time, and school is my main focus in life right now. But at the same time I'm stressing out because I don't have stable income now. I decided to choose my health first and I live with my parents anyway so I guess it works out kind of.
I now try to say "no" more often than "yes" when it comes to making commitments to people, because I find that when I make commitments to people I get over loaded. But, I feel isolated now, because nobody I'm friends with understands my illness even when I constantly explain it to them, so they think I'm just trying to avoid them or something. Most people I don't even try to explain it to them anymore, because even when I do, they somehow "forget" in the same way. However, I still have some friends who I can see (at school), and they are still people I can socialize with but I am still concerned that I will never be able to maintain close relationships with people because of my problems. I can't even handle a boyfriend, because that's another thing I have to save energy and time for which i do not have.
At the end of the first week, my psychiatrist prescribed me Concerta for my fatigue. At first, it didn't work, and it made me sick with its side effects.....Saturday I went to a support group for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but by the end of it I was really tired and the next day I ended up going out with my friend which, although it was fun, REALLY wore me out but it was his Christmas present to me so I really could not say no. All this week I have been so wiped out and desperate that I've continued taking the drug and although the other side effects have lessened every time it wears off I feel mentally unstable and I'm starting to wonder if I am really capable of living my life anymore if I need to rely on crappy medicine for the rest of it. I had all these dreams of becoming a vet but now I'm starting to doubt if I'm really capable of accomplishing them. I've only been at school for 2 years and I'm already "falling apart"
Last night was my last day of work and I was feeling really terrible but I ended up staying there for 7 hours (after a day of school) because my manager failed to inform me that I had to stay past closing time. So I almost passed out and was in a lot of pain, and I went home and went to bed, with hopes of getting lots of rest this weekend but I woke up early with a panic attack, I took some Propanolol, which helped for a bit, but as I started to settle down again the phone rang and it was my manager calling me to let me know that she couldn't find something so of course hearing the message recording on the answering machine threw my body into a panicked state and I never did go back to sleep. I am unable to sleep without a pill so I can't just take a nap, believe me, I try.
I've discussed these specific depressed feelings to a physician (but not my psychiatrist yet) she said that I should speak to a counselor, and I guess maybe I should, but I wanted to hear what people on here had to say (if anything at all)