HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

I thought I had forgotten the way i felt at home :S

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 3/18/2014 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe that's why I don't have close friends or much less a boyfriend. Lately, everytime I've been in a group of people, I feel so vulnerable. I have had problems at work where I had to say no to some things and it kind of made some people didn't like me that much because of that, so they see me like I'm not such a nice person, I talk to them and they just answer in a low tone of voice, like almost ignoring me.


Or another person at work, she's been acting wrong jkust to make me angry. sometimes I find my desk , that she also used, is in the middle of the room, material on the floor, everything is a mess. and I already talked tothe bossbut they just hear me like: ah ok it's fine. But they don't do anything. And she's been doing this so much that it's tiring, I feel like I have no support and she's taking advantage of that.


Then I come home and I remember I have absolutely no close friends, and I remember that everytime I am with people I feel like they are going to kill me with their eyes or will will ridicule me everytime I make a mistake when I talk or when they don't agree with me. They don't exactly ridicule me, but I feel that way.

And I've realized that sometimes I've tried unconsciously to change my tone of voice, to seem more "nice", to talk more quietly, wityh a lower tone just to like them. Or for them to see me differently. Somtimes I do or don't do things because I feel some people could get mad and get away from me, so I always try to be nice and good and proper with everything I do or say. The funny thing is that I don't even need them, but I hate feeling rejected or ignored even by them, by anyone.


Plus I still have the idea of me being a freak. Like I feel every guy who comes to me is because he wants to make fun of me. I feel a mockery, I feel everyone sees me that way and I don't want to feel used to amuse others. I don't feel anyone can love me. I don't think I am enough to be loved.

And all this week it has been worse, I have been absent, sad. And then I remember that I never felt loved. My dad was never at home, my momalways told me how ungrateful, mean , stupid I was. I feel like I'm gongto feel what I felt at home, rejection and emptyness. I don't feel I have anything to offer, like I'm empty inside. And I've been better , to make people to respect me, or to dfefend myself, but, when it comes about genuine love, I can't force people, and I don't feel I have nothign to offer.


Today it was almost 5 in themorning and I was still crying and crying , I had been ok, I don't know why it started again. I already wrote to much. Well... bYeee.
Posted 3/18/2014 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi WaningMoon!

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way at the moment. Sometimes I do truely believe that other people are able to affect our moods, but if I (for example) look hard enough, there are always people around who affect my mood in a positive way. If I am having a hard time with particular situations then I find the people who do respect and listen to me and I talk to them.

Unfortunately, I think sometimes, I seem to be 'at least in my head' a bit 'needy', but maybe over time these things swing in round abouts. Genuinely, I do believe that people do care about others, and often I think, it does take a connection of some sort, personality understanding. We all have our own agenda (maybe). I for one, I guess, when I am interested in someone it is because of my own needs, certain people are able to bring out happiness qualities when I talk to them or just being in their company.

It does make it easier for me, if I can talk to different types of people. I can never guarantee that everyone will like me, or even anyone really, but I guarantee that every individual has another person who is able to understand them somewhat, having the ability to get along with someone.

Even if there isn't anyone specifically there at the moment or time in your life, I for one feel that I understand you somewhat. Sometimes I am surprised by my own judgement of what I 'think' people are thinking, and it isn't always as true as I maybe think it is, it's just my perspective at the time.

Here's what else I think :) Sometimes, I have felt that people have behaved in a certain way, because they think I won't stand up for myself, or because they don't like me. (basically, I do pretty much stand up for myself, maybe I'm arguementative, maybe it's another reason, sometimes I don't stand up for myself). Sometimes I rack my brains wondering why something may have happened a particular way, then.....I 'now' see, a whole different side to this!

What I see now, is that, it might be, on occassion, that people actually feel comfortable enough in my presence that they can, tell me what they think or relax their other way of being with other people, so that what comes across as taking advantage of my nature, might actually just be that they can be 'comfortable' enough in my presence to say what they think.

That doesn't mean though that you must stand things that upset you, but it helps me to see things slightly differently, and more positivity.

Hope you are having a good day today!

Best Wishes :) HB
Posted 3/18/2014 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry, I'm not really sure that helped. I think I went off on a tangent abit. The part about your family life, I wasn't justifying the way you have been spoken to. I hope that things improve soon for you. Remember that there are always people who care. :) Really hoping for a good few days for you soon.

I hope that you are able to get to feeling more rounded soon. My best wishes!
Posted 3/18/2014 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
Also...one more thing :) I wasn't talking about your mother and her speaking to you that way. I was talking about other people, and different ways of seeing their behaviour. I'm sorry if my post sounded different to what I actually meant, sometimes it's hard to get across what I mean successfully, or I think it might come across the wrong way.

I hope that you have been able to have a relationship with family members on a level which is comfortable for you and safe, sometimes people change over time, sometimes there are other people as well, that people may be able to look to for support, understanding and kindness. Sometimes also people say things in haste when they don't really mean it, or have other things going on, which they might be angry about.

I can't pretend to know what the reasons are and it doesn't mean I accept it, just that I hope that your confidence grows :)

Posted 3/20/2014 9:54 AM (GMT 0)
One day at a time WaningMoon, Keep hanging in there and keep posting. Everybody here cares about you...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 3/21/2014 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
That's ok WaningMoon :) I hope that today is going well for you. HB
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply