So Unhappy

I have had a long history with depression and anxiety. I have overcome great adversity in my life by becoming a successful business owner and professional, after years of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, self). I am very responsible and work hard, take good care of my house, am a good friend, etc., but am caught in a bad place. I am 43 and never married, no kids. After I work 50-60 hours/week I would like to go do something fun, but all of my friend's are married and have kids so they have family time on the weekends. I have a boyfriend of 15 months, but unless the activity is 4 wheeling or working on his truck or his friend's trucks, he doesn't want to do anything else. If he does go to the park or a drive with me b/c I've insisted, he pouts. I am sick of this and have told him to only call me for dates from now on. No just coming over after work and staying the night only to go hang out with the guys on our mutual time off on the weekend. I know there is a good chance that he and I won't make it if we don't have mutual likes.

My problem is this. I do have time on the weekends. I do have the money to go somewhere. I don't have anyone to go with. If things don't work out with current bf, I don't care to try anymore. I've done my best to meet a good man, but seem to always end up with takers and not givers. I don't enjoy traveling by myself anymore as I get anxious when I am along away from home.

At this point in my life, I feel I've accomplished all I am going to and my outlook for fun in life is very bleak. I am tired and don't have the energy or wherewithal to try and meet new people at this point. Especially as I am a veterinarian and it seems like everyone always wants to be my friend and take my number, but the only calls I get are for free vet advice after-hours. It makes me question if the friendship is genuine or convenient.

I have family, but they are so caught up in their own lives, they don't pay much attention to mine. For 26 years, I've never missed sending any of 7 nieces/nephews bday and Christmas cards/gifts, same for their mothers and fathers. This year, neither of my sisters could even be bothered to send a card. My own dad didn't call me. My step-mom texted me just before midnight to say sorry, they had forgotten.

I want to want to live. I am leary to seek medical help as I've been there so many times before and have spent years on antidepressants and other medications. I don't know what I need at this point, something to work towards, something to look forward to, the ability to go places by myself and have fun instead of just working and coming home and watching tv.

Any thoughts?

Thank you, Karen. I don't self-nurture enough, but tried to pick up on that this week and had a massage on Wed. It did make me feel better.

I always encourage my bf to go out with the guys when he wants, and I go 4 wheeling and shooting with him etc. as well. So it seems I am able to bend for him, but if I want to do something that is not his favorite, it ends up not being fun b/c he pouts like a kid forced to do something he doesn't want. I have talked with him about this and asked him to only call me if he wants to take me out on a date. I hate I have to be that way after we've been together so long, but he has really been taking me for granted. He wants a lot, but wants to get it by giving a little. Story of my life as far as men go.

I appreciate your agreement that meds aren't what I need at this point. If anything, I need to develop the courage and/or desire to do things on my own and get past the fear of being anxious to be by myself away from the house. It's very frustrating that I can be with clients all day, but after work, feel like I cannot talk to anybody...?

I don't have the strength to keep pushing myself, I've done so much over the years, I guess I've just run out of steam. I want to die, but I don't want to hurt my nieces and nephews and good friends, but when I think that, I even get mad at that thinking that I feel forced to stay alive just to help other people.

I hope I can attend some counseling soon. I am just very short of time for appointments.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/28/2014 8:39:54 AM (GMT-6)

What you described about your bf not wanting to do the things you want to is typical. Try to over look that. Men don't seem to want to do what we want to. They can be like little kids when they are forced to. Sorry guys... I guess it goes both ways. But to me that is a small price to pay. I go through it with my husband and the television. Never wants to watch what I want, and if we do, it is constantly switching channels. I think that has to do something with control. lol...

I did have to delete one sentence in your post. We can't talk about suicidal thoughts or suicide here. I am sorry. But I know how low you are feeling when you get to that point. I don't want you to feel that worthless. You sound like a very good person. That is so important of a quality. Don't take yourself for granted either. We have to love ourselves for who we are. You sound very special...

Do talk to somebody professional soon about the way that you are feeling. Keep up the self nurturing. Somebody has to do it, and we are the only ones that will. You are worth it...

Hang in there sweetie. Know we all care about you and want you to feel better. I think this is just a bump in the road for you. I hope that is all it is.

Keep posting, it helps to get your feelings down.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my posts and write replies. It means so much to me to know that there are people who will listen and actually care how I am doing, even if it doesn't gain anything for you.

You all are right. I must find a way to force myself to do things on my own and seek out people who have similar interests. I tried to talk to my bf last night, but he is not willing to make any changes. What he is willing to offer me is the equivalent of friends with benefits and I do not want that. I don't expect he'll change his mind. I will do my best to withstand the heartbreak in the most healthy way I can.

To those who are experiencing the same issues, I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. The world can be so tough. I used to think that I could overcome anything, but sadly, at this point I feel like I can only hang on and keep up with the basics. I am glad that y'all have found this forum and I pray for all of you that there will always be somebody there to listen and give advice. This forum is really a Godsend.

I am going to try and give myself one more chance to make a better, more fulfilling life for myself. I swear to avoid men who want only one thing, but offer nothing else. I used to think that was better than nothing, but I know that is not true. If there isn't a significant other out there for me, then there's not. I don't feel 100% that I can make it thru life on my own, but I am going to try.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ditto!