Maybe I'm not meant to be happy.

Sorry if I sound ungrateful. I know there are others who have way more important problems, and issues. And here I am sulking. I just came here to vent. You don't have to read it. It's pretty long.

The past two years have been pretty rough when it comes to me and my depression. I just have no feelings toward anything. I was in school, but I left two weeks into my sophomore year. I was having a lot of anxiety, nervousness, and I couldn't afford it. I was very lonely and had no friends my freshman year, and my cousin was murdered. So when my sophomore year started I was worried about having no friends,something terrible happening to one of my family members while I was gone, and just being miserable and alone like before.I couldn't sleep, all I did was worry so I just came home. School has been a big deal for me, and I have to go back. It's a goal of mine.


Well since then I got a job. I've been working at Payless, trying to save up and go back to school. By the way I live I. Colorado but I went to school in San Francisco.


I haven't been in the mood, I don't want to do anything but work and sleep. That shouldn't be a problem. My dad bought tickets for a cruise, without asking me if I wanted to go, because he knew I would say no.
The tickets are no refundable. I am grateful, I do appreciate my surroundings. But I don't want to go, because I won't be happy, and I don't want to ruin everyone else's time with my stupid miserable self. I told him I want to stay and work and save up for school. He told me I didn't have a choice, that I had to go because the tickets are no refundable. The truth is I'm uncomfortable, he isn't my real dad but he's been there for me my whole life. He is my little sisters dad. He also has another daughter my same age who is going. I'm not ready to meet her. I'm just uncomfortable going, I'm not a summer person. I don't swim. I break out while traveling.

I asks my mom for help she told me to figure it out on my own. thanks.


My birthday is on Friday. And it's my first off day in two weeks. I just want to relax and sleep. My sisters want me to do something. Please believe me when I say i do my best to please everyone all the time. I just want to relax and sleep on my birthday. Why is that a problem?
My mom is mad at me because I don't want to celebrate, she called me selfish and ungrateful. Why? I'm really trying. I just want a break. Why is that so bad.

I've been seeing a therapist. But she really isn't helping. She's been doing some brain thing trying to get both sides to react or something trying to fix me. But I just want to talk! I need someone to listen! Someone on my side, but no one seems to get it.


I want to be happy, but I guess happiness wasn't meant for everyone.

Sorry for this long message. You don't have to read it. I'm just venting.

Happiness is actually available for anyone.

Sometimes, it's not very easy to find though.

   about school and dropping out ... I hope no one is putting any negative pressure on you about that - and that includes yourself. It's not shameful, illegal or necessarily giving up. Sometimes it's needed for real reasons.

   As they say ..... been there - done that myself. I stopped twice to go to work - and I did pay most of my own way thru college. No shame in that!

   about the therapist ... sounds like you DO NOT have a talk therapist or talk psychologist. It sounds like that's just what you're looking for and could use. You need a better match for your own needs.

   about the family thing ... I was raised by my step-father - from the age of 5. I also knew and saw my birth father regularily. Sometimes that can be very confusing!!!! Sometimes it can make a childhood pretty uncomfortable!!!!

   Your Dad should have talked to you about the cruise before getting tickets. Do you have problems communicating? It wasn't for your birthday was it?

   As we go thru life - we all have to face and at times do things that are simply uncomfortable. It may mean a lot toyour Dad or your Sister or Mother for you to go on the cruise - as a family thing! Think about it! We all have to give and take both!!!

   For your birthday - maybe you can compromise. Do whatever you feellike doing - even if sleeping for a part of the day. Then, maybe at night, do something with the family. Would they be up to compromising?

   So ..... just think of this as a Good Friday ... and a Happy Birthday!

   Please find another therapist soon too.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

     

Thank you guys for the replies. I guess I'm going to go...I don't know how to tell him no, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I haven't met my "step sister" because my ad had barely met her. Her mother is was on drugs and she was raised by her grandmother who is Beth religious and didn't approve of my dad. So he just met at the beginning of last year. I've just been avoiding meeting her. Because it's awkward. He isn't my sad and he's been there for me, than he had his own blood daughter, and that makes me uncomfortable. Even though he was in prison for majority of my childhood so....

The cruise is for his birthday in June.

giving my ticket to a hobo was a great idea:) lol

I always do what other people want me to do on my Bday. I thought that day was supposed to be about me? But I'm tired of everyone mopeing around the house. So I guess I'll ask them if they want to walk around the mall or something? I guess that works.

School is important to me. So I guess I am putting a lot of pressure on myself, but I just have to go back! I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't. I have to! I guess that's part of the reason I'm extra down, why would I want to celebrate something I don't understand(my life). I'm just not into it.

No, I'm not on medication yet. My therApist is talking about it though. I'm not sure how it'll make me feel, but I guess anything will be better than how I feel now.

Keep Moving Forward said...
Have fun at the mall tomorrow.

Make your mopey housemates buy you something awesome. Like a doughnut. Or a car. Or a doughnut and a car. The way I see it, they owe you. ;-)

C

LOL, too funny, a car would be nice then sitting in that car eating a donut would be heaven!!

I feel you should do what you want on your birthday, it's your day, just see how you feel.

You've had great advice and cannot think of anything else, I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday!!

Big hugs....