Large family dinners are the worst thing on earth

Thank god they only happen occasionally, as I literally cannot stand them. It's torture from start to end: the fake cackles, the moronic opinions, the raised voices, the dull food, and the relatives I do not wish to see.

I'm so depressed today, HW. I genuinely feel like I was born into the wrong family. Everything - everything - is the last straw. There is nothing good, nothing positive whatsoever; all I have is hatred in my heart. I don't want this. I don't want to permanently hate and be full of anger, bile and spew: my dad appears to be happy to be a hateful, toxic, empty husk of a man, who's inflicted his nasty personality onto me and my mum for the whole of my life, but I'm not. I don't want this, I really really really really don't want this.

I'm just broken. I'm just utterly, utterly, utterly broken. I've got nothing but toxicity and rage in my heart, absolute burning rage. I'm sick to death; one of these days I'm scared I'm going to lose whatever thin hold on sanity I've got. I'm just scared and all alone.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 4/20/2014 1:16:32 PM (GMT-6)

Yah, housing application. It sounded earlier as if your doctor was on board? It's time to leave dear ole' dad to his own unhappiness, and forge your own happiness.

Anger-eating is never fun. You could turn it into a role-playing game!

I finally went out to my Mom's and picked up the letter that came for me from my 91 YO aunt, who threw bro and I out last summer, for cleaning out her fridge. There is absolutely nothing we can do to make her load lighter, since she refuses to let us. Actually, she refuses to talk to bro at ALL. I guess I should be proud (?) I am being kept in the loop. She has thrown out social workers, church members, even her realtor, twice.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is go away. Just go away and leave them in peace.

My depression has dropped by a couple of levels: I was at 'psychotic' when I made this thread, but now I'm at 'still extremely depressed but not crazy'... >_>

@JB1 - It's kinda nice to hear that I'm not the only one who didn't move out in my 20s. I could go into why I didn't, but, truth is, there's no easy answer. I was just depressed. I tried to get qualifications and jobs, but every attempt fell flat on its face. My dad made his resentment of me perfectly plain and it was down to my mum to shield me. My late teens and early 20s were massively uncomfortable. In my mid 20s I made one last effort to really get a life I completed a foundation course in science then moved away to uni to do a chemistry degree. I had such high hopes and it all completely fell apart. I returned home in ignominy, where my dad treated me like utter dirt. Over the next few years he continued to remove my internet access for weeks, or even months, at a time whenever we had a fight and I said something which challenged his authority: it took an extremely drastic action on my behalf before he finally did it for the last time.

I'm sorry, I'm going off track. I have so many terrible memories of him, this is just the tip of the iceberg. But why are they all coming back to haunt me so much now? It's like I can't get him out of my brain. He makes out like he's done absolutely everything he could for me; and yet he hasn't done a single thing that he wasn't interested in. His life has been dominated by selfishness and refusal to do a single thing that caused him inconvenience or discomfort, and yet lectures me with the utmost pompousness on how the key to happiness is thinking about other people and doing things for them (ie think of him and do things for him).

He has harangued and nagged my mum endlessly, trying to control her and her opinions. He just wants to be the sole focus of attention in conversations. He's pushing 80 and is the most boring person I have ever met: how can he have reached that age and yet only have the same few anecdotes to recall in mind-numbing detail? He has a bottomless well of rage. Urgh.... sorry, sorry. I could clearly write whole books on this, but I'll stop now... :/

You are completely right about letting go of the hatred and rage I feel towards my dad. I feel like if I could erase my memories of him in my life, I would actually do so, but of course that would involve wiping out memories of my entire life: actually now I think about it, that doesn't sound so unattractive a prospect... :-/ Anyway, hopefully once I can stop seeing him every day, it will be easier to work on forgetting him.

@KMF - Oh dear god, my family have an entire repetoire of fake shrieks and cackles! And yes, the fake greetings are even worse: the shrill "how are you?"'s, when you know full well the last thing they want to know is how you are. Good god, why not just say 'hi' or 'hello NCOT', I can cope with that.

I think you find me an easy resident of Casa da Carlos: hell, just supply me with a laptop, a games console, a weird Japanese RPG or two, and you won't see my face for several weeks.

I'll try to move on in a more practical frame of mind.... Some things I do really need to let go of. I just wish I had more mental resilience and wasn't so heavily reliant on what other people thought. I really do get worked up sometimes about that, eg stoma nurse. I sometimes feel that all of public life is an act; if all the world really is a stage, then I would be booed off with the quality of my performance.

@Myself - Yeah, my GP is on board. He's a lovely man; I don't look forward to the day I have to find a new GP, 'cos most of them are like emotionless robots. But he is actually empathetic and caring.

91 years old and chucking people out, eh? >_>. I suppose that says a lot about your aunt's independence: it's admirable in a way. If she doesn't mind living in a (presumably) dirty house, it is just best to let her be, I reckon.

Anyway, thanks for listening, folks: I have had a ton of stuff going round in my head lately, stuff which I can't seem to ignore or quieten down any more - that's one reason why I keep writing so much. I hope you all had a happy Easter: happier than mine at any rate! :p

Edit: @Karen - My mum hosted this one. Believe me, if somebody else had been hosting it, I would have stayed at home like a shot. Anyway, I think time spent with somebody you actually like being with is the best time of all: have never seen much point to large gatherings - perhaps they suit extroverts but are intolerable to me. I'm glad you had a nice day.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 4/20/2014 3:59:25 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks, Rob & Gizmo.

This wasn't a massive get-together: only about 10 people all in all. It's just that there is nobody in my family I have any rapport with. There isn't one person I can have a good conversation with. Everybody else seems to find it so easy to chat and I find it virtually impossible. I know it's cold comfort, but sometimes you really can be lonelier in a roomful of people than you would be by yourself. However, it's completely understandable why you miss the small gatherings from the past: I would too if I were in your shoes.

Yeah, I've partially filled in an impossible-to-fill housing form :-/ I'm gonna have to seek help with filling in the rest; there are sections I just don't have a clue how to answer. My GP also dictated a letter on my behalf, but nothing has come of it yet. I'm seeing him tomorrow, so...

Thank you. Same back to you.

Oh boy, we don't choose our "family", I'm so sorry you're going through so much and for all the awful memories.

My adopted father was a monster, I never felt anything towards him except hate at one point, I started feeling very depressed in my late teens, actually probably before that.

I left home at age 18, how I did it I will never know, just wanted to get out of that house, spent my whole 20's moving from one State to another going in to huge dark depressions for months then waking up one day to feel pretty "normal". It was a cycle, over and over.

I had to return home because of the depression a few times and felt so useless.

I remember letting the hate I had for my father go when I was 25, it felt as though he was on my back all the time even though I didn't see him, so I let it go for me, not him. I knew if I didn't he'd be in my brain for the rest of my life.

I'm sure once you don't have to see your father every day you will feel a lot better for it.

Take good care of yourself, peace....(and many hugs...)

Sorry, I kinda took a 2-day break from the internet... :-/

I'm planning on going to see a housing advice person tomorrow afternoon. I'm dreading it, and don't really want to do it - it's like my mind becomes fogged over with fear and I start to forget my original reasons for embarking upon this sh1t in the first place. That's what happened 3 months ago. It's kinda what's been happening my entire adult life. I just need to become a zombie at certain times in order to push my way through the horrible parts; I can't afford to overthink it and allow the paralysing inertia to set in...

I couldn't agree more with your final comment about rage. It's wearying to live with, although at the moment it's peaceful. My dad is not speaking to me and, while a part of me is forever guilty, another part is just relieved and glad for the peace, to be quite honest with you. It's not just the anger: my dad has also become incredibly needy in his old age and I can't handle it. My mum has reservoirs of patience I lack. Put like that: I feel dreadful. Maybe once I've gained some real physical distance, I can afford to be more emotionally generous towards my dad, but right now: I have absolutely no resources to spare for him.

Re your aunt. Egads, that's a horrendous situation to be in. Poor lady. She obviously wants to retain her independence until the bitter end, but the dementia may rob her of that. No suggestions, tbh; just commiserations.