How low can I go?

Hi there, Kitt

I'm new to this forum but not to depression. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago, with depression and anxiety. I've had a mostly down, rough 4 weeks myself so I thought I would reply.

I do that all the time as well, beat myself up or feel ashamed about things in my past, many of which would probably be trivial or forgotten by other people. I get to tears or close often as well. Zoloft was making me incredibly tired and my Dr. switched me to Cymbalta yesterday, so I'm holding out hope that it helps.

But one thing I know for sure, as I'm sure you have encountered, is that it comes and goes. There will be times where I feel fine, and if I'm lucky those times might last a week. There are times where the downs are there, but not so bad. Maybe just more fuzzy than usual but not awful. And then there are times where things just absolutely suck, and it's hard to be happy.

All of that said, I guess all I can really say to you is that you're absolutely not alone with these feelings and you're worthy of friendship even though you may think you're not right now. If you can keep remembering that things will get better, even if it takes awhile, then it may help. That helps me... I think that thought is what keeps the despair from getting worse. Wish I could say something more insightful... lol

Hi Rvajeff,

Welcome to the depression forum!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Hi R welcome to the forum.

Oh Kitt, my heart goes out to you. I must apologize if this post comes off a little strange, just took pain meds.

However, my past is riddled, marbled like a good steak with guilt and remorse. We must move on. It can not be changed. I believe if you consider your path you will find that it has made you a stronger person and the suffering has landed you here for once place; in order to help ease the suffering of others.

The higher power has a plan, this may be part of it. Listen to the whispers in the wind and the trees when you seat in silence outside. What comes into your heart as you open it? Listen to your inner voice it will tell what you need and lead you to contentment.

It took me two years of fighting this and within 3 months I found contentment, I am now working on purpose for what ever time I have left. Answers come slow in soft whispers, not in grand load voices and burning bushs.

I wish you peace and continued courage on your path Kitt. You are an inspiration to so many. You are allowed to falter we all do, someone is there waiting to pick you up. All you have to do is ask.

Peace love and hugs.
TRina

Hello Kitt ..........

   You are not alone.

   When I was at my Oncologists office on Wednesday, I saw the oncology Nurse Practitioner. She is so nice ... and very thorough. As usual, she asked "how was I doing"!

   I told her - not so good for the last 4 or 5-weeks. Besides, my bad news of the growing cancer which she knew ..... i mentioned that i had lost my sceond closest cousin to metastatic melanoma about 5-week ago. Then a lady i knew in a dog group that I belong to died - and her body wasn't found for 5-days (two years ago - that was a major fear of mine).

   Then a little over two weeks ago, a lady in my cancer support group very suddenly died. I even missed my excercise group sessions now for nearly two weeks.

   She asked me how I got out of the depression. I couldn't give her an answer - except ...... "in time, I usually get out of that black hole".

   Maybe .......... each of us needs some solitary time to get out of the darkness. I hope that works for you.

Rob & Gizmo

 

Good Morning Everyone,

Karen, you have been here from the beginning when I first joined in 2006 - with my dx of major depressive episode.  Back then I spent the days in tears, was afraid to leave my house and felt all alone in the world.  I had taken early retirement from my career that I loved as I did not want anyone to know I was " crazy" - the words often spoken when people would talk of a person with a mental illness.

With trying dozens of AD meds, and anxiety meds, therapy and one heck of a great Psychiatrist I made it through but it took about 18 months before I really did not worry all day and feel like I was a huge failure.

6 weeks ago my hubby ( history of 35 years Crohn's) was dx with heart failure; after a stay in the hospital he came home and went through outpatient testing.  The outcome was middle of the road and we still have decisions to make re his arrhythmia. Our next stop is a cardiac electrophysiologist or in simple terms - a heart-rhythm specialist. 

2 weeks after my hubby's hospital stay he was cutting wood with a chain saw when his left leg got in the way - - so we added an open fracture of his left tibia along with a serious laceration across his knee to his problems.

We were down to 3 weeks until our oldest granddaughter's wedding - and emotionally I crashed...............first high anxiety as now I had no support person for myself - selfish witch that I am -

The up side, his personal nurse and his ortho Drs. worked miracles and he was at the wedding walking on both legs. Thank you God for this blessing.

For some reason after the wedding my depression kicked in and the tears and sadness made a nest in my head.

As some of you know I was dx in August 2012 with Stage IIIC Colon cancer with metastasis, had colectomy, port placement, 2 series of chemo without results and I move on. Cure is not possible for most patients with metastatic colorectal cancer but I am not most people and I am a warrior most of the time.........so I fight, pray and come here for support.

Chemo makes me extremely ill so I am off chemo right now as my Oncologist watches closely my lab values and my CT Scans monthly.  I have nodal metastasis with clumps of cancerous nodes next to my pancreas, liver, retroperitoneal aorta, and by my thyroid. As long as the cancer has not invaded a major organ at this point we wait. My Dr. tells me it will happen but as long as the progression is creeping along he hesitates to restart chemo as I have made my wishes known.  I want to feel good as much as I can.

I hope I did not make anyone feel bad as that is never my intent............I am feeling better today and I see my psychiatrist on June 10th. I have a great team but the people here in HealingWell are my loving supporters and for that I thank you.

I will leave you with this:

"When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

A huge thank you to all and know my email is always open.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

 

Sail on Kitt, the oceans of adventure are calling!

Peace and Joy
Trina

Dear stkitt,

Having lived with silly regrets myself, and spent a lot of time beating myself up (now more than ever over the things I wish I could go back and change with my late family) I heard this quote long ago and it helped a bit:

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

― Maya Angelou

Oh how I wish I could go back in time and do things differently!!!

If you have any unfinished business you CAN do something about, I don't need to tell you to set about saying those things that you feel you need to say.

You are facing that which we all must face, and no one can share how it was. For me, this is terrifying as I have shared a bit. I don't know how you, or my Mom or brother could all be so "calm". I told my friend yesterday I am ashamed I am so scared of my own death fears. I should know better not to be such a wuss.

Of course you have depressed moments! Now your dear Husband and his serious medical issues, a wedding which represents the start of a new life... All terribly, terribly stressful. Do you have meds that make YOU feel better, and can you take a bit more during times when you are especially low?

You are NOT a failure by any stretch!! We all want to feel like we matter, and you have family who loves you, you are important to them and to all the people here you help. It's normal to wonder, to have down moments... But you have your tools to draw from, and people to ask help from (doctors, counselors, family) should you need an extra helping hand. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I wish I had better words for you...

Hugs...