Dear DM,
I am sorry that you are feeling so low about
yourself right now. Please remember that you did nothing wrong.
When I was working as a consultant for the school board, a lot of my colleagues were male. On days when we had professional development meetings, one in the morning, and then another one in the afternoon, the guys always went OUT for lunch, rather than eating the buffet provided by the conference people.
I finally figured it out that where they were going was to a topless bar during the lunch break. I felt really degraded that they would do this and leave me alone at the conference and then come back like it was no big deal.
I pulled out some research done by York University, which showed how men who watched a video tape of a rape trial were very supportive to the woman until.......
The next step in the research was to show them a movie which included topless women.
They then showed the same men another rape trial. The story was slightly different in the second trial, but the researchers tried to keep the variables as similar as possible.
After viewing images of topless women the men were less supportive of the rape victim and were much more likely to think she somehow deserved it.
I showed them this research in the hopes that they would realize that their so called innocent lunch, could have some very powerful effects on their thought process towards women. They would be influenced at a very subliminal level to view women differently.
I found that by not arguing with them, rather, just sharing some very clear and easy to read research dissertations, it gave them the opportunity to rethink their so called innocent behaviour
.
Scientific facts spoke massive volumes and I was not involved in petty arguments or judgments. I simply gave them something to think about
.
I could have reported their behaviour
and made a big stink, but I found this calm, back door approach seemed to work. It did not happen over night, but after a few months, the men colleagues started having the buffet lunch more often.
Just remember there is nothing wrong with you. It is just the behaviour
of men who have not been educated enough to understand that this behaviour
is demeaning to them and does effect how they see women. It is in the research. If you want me to find you the study, let me know and I will look it up.
You are beautiful even if you have a extra pounds on. If your husband wants to help you lose some weight, perhaps he can start walking with you a bit each night. Just take baby steps, and remember you are beautiful.
I can read between the lines, that you are the type of person who would never intentionally do anything to hurt another human being. In fact I am sure you would be one of the first persons there to lend a hand if you can. By helping others we help ourselves.
I feel sorry for these women who because of the way our society is, find that working at topless bars is the only way they can make enough money to survive.
Perhaps you could take your mind off your hubbies behaviour
by gathering up a little box of samples you might have at home of shampoo or hand lotion, a couple of clothes that do not fit you, some old magazines, some children's books or toys and donate them to a local woman's shelter to help women who are trying to get their lives together without working in topless bars.
Hang in there, once you realize that it is what is inside your heart and head that counts, you will start to feel and look more beautiful on the outside.
BTW, there are lots of reputable companies on the internet that will send you samples of things like little deodorants and shampoos that you could put in your box to donate to a woman's shelter.
A quick Google search should provide you with some research studies on the negative impact behaviors such as attending topless bars will have on men. Luckily, the impact of such behaviour
can be reversed by stopping the behaviour
.
Effie/Judy
