Complicated "Breakup" Depression

Break-ups are hard and confusing.

DO you have a therapist you can talk to, outside of the couples counseling? It sounds as if an objective ear would benefit you.

Even journaling, much like you have done here, has it's place. It allow you some chance to work things out in your brain.

Also, and I am trying desperately to be non-judgmental, it sounds as if you need to figure some things out for yourself. Trying to find the answers in love/sex/other people will end badly, every single time.

Suspicions about what? "hey, hon, I need someone to help me process things, and am going to go see a therapist." Have your current couples counselor suggest one. Heck, even bring it up in counseling.

If there is worry/anger/suspicion on wife's part, "I need to be able to figure out myself some. This has nothing to do with you, but with my need to make things clear in my own life/brain." Rinse, and repeat.

And cut ties with other woman. Seriously, dude. You cannot fix/end your marriage when you are spending emotional energy on OW. It is not fair to wife, yourself, or anyone. If it was meant to be, she will be there if the marriage breaks beyond repair. But if you continue to see OW, you are sandbagging your marriage.

-takes out her arm-chair and puts on her therapy hat-

Sorry, trying to inject a little levity, when we are talking about painful stuff.

So, it's easier to maintain a fantasy than do the heavy lifting of repair? That is so very true for us all, which is why there is so much dysfunction out in the world. With multiple affairs in your life, it seems that the fantasy is far better than the reality. That's a stab-dark scenario, but many people suffer from this dichotomy.

Also, just an observation, but most of what you have typed has to do with OW, and you/her. Not you. You seem to be sublimated into this idea of what love should be, and yourself as someone who is reaching for love. Not finding it. Trying again.

Again, stab-dark. This scenario is also fairly common in our very complicated world.

So, what about you? Take women out of it. What is going on with you? what drives you to search for excitement/sex/fulfillment in a situation where you will not succeed? By your own admission, you have done this, before. So, what do you want?

Sorry if I am too open in what I type.

Forget the real-life stuff like job, money, etc. They are not germaine. Seriously, take those away and your marriage/emotional state is still in disarray, which is what prompted you to post in the first place.

Why do you want OW? Specifically? Her? What does she do for you emotionally that you cannot let her go? At this point, it ain't a physical thang.

Men are attuned to the physical body more so than women. So "they" say, and I believe it. But, frankly, eye candy is fine and dandy, but it don't fill the hole inside. (Again, levity) Some women get honked off by this, but I do not. It's just the by-product of evolution to get mates. But in the here-and-now, it's also irrelevant. I don't think of it as shallow, but I do think of it hard-wiring that doesn't serve a whole lot of needs right now.

Are you sure you have not criticized wife for weight? I ask because women really ARE more intuitive, and she may have picked up something, and feels judged, especially if she is very observant. Just a thought.

To carry on that thought, if the physical is important to you, and it seems to be, since it is no longer about procreation, but about compatibility with you... dude. Fantasy? Middle age bites bowling balls, and fantasy is important to sustaining a healthy attitude, but I need to call this one. What one wants has to be realistic, and perhaps life is about engaging with the real and keeping the fantasy in it's place. Or else constant dissatisfaction results, and inevitably a sense of failure.

Again, IMO, marriage is less about sex than it is pulling together as a team. But, then again, I may be atypical, since I have one broken marriage and intend never to get involved in that again. Hence, the 13 year relationship I currently have. Another perspective--Hubby had affairs as well. I might have been able to forgive that, but the lies were what really hurt. It is so disrespectful.

And, hey, I'm bored and need an outlet. I'm over-educated and under-utilized, and lonely and depressed. The trifecta of message boards.

Thanks, both of you, for your comments. OW and I are "over." That is not really at issue here. More accurately, she is over me, I just can't seem to get over her. Karen, OW and I have no illusions about our chances of truly being together. Even if she were available, she has brought up the fact that we are both cheaters and that would be a factor, or would become a factor at some point.

Also, I am not all about looks. I have been with my wife for almost 14 years. It is a second go-round for both of us (we both have failed marriages in our past. In her case, her ex cheated on her and in mine, my ex cheated on me). I have never felt passionately in-love with her, but grew to love her on many levels. She is a kind, intelligent person. With OW, maybe it's infatuation, but if that were the case I think I would not be so emotionally invested. I wish I could explain it better. For the record, I am not cheating or doing anything with anyone at the moment. I am just trying to "fall out of love" with this person. Every time I think of her I am overcome by intense feelings of sadness and loss. It's almost like I'm grieving.

Karen, that's what it feels like. Grieving. I lost my mom almost 12 years ago and it was hard. I'll never truly get over that, and that's as it should be, but this is worse. I break down sobbing at least 10 times a day. That's why I'm here; to try and find a way to get past this.

Karen,

Part of my problem is that I have never, and I mean never, felt more happy and loved than when I was with OW. I feel like I'll never find that kind of love again and I never felt it with my wife. I'm pretty messed up. So when you say "return to normal" with my wife, you are really suggesting a return to the state I was in when I sought something externally. Again, at first, I thought I just wanted sex (the sex at home was infrequent and routine and has been that way for years). I did not set out to, or expect, to fall in love. I don't disagree with what you're saying about time healing, but right now I gotta tell'ya, it feels like it'll never happen. It has been like this for months.

Also, to your previous comment about there being something to be said for relationships with no emotional ties, I have to strongly disagree with that. That, to me, means being room mates. This has come up in conversation already (between my wife and me), and neither of us just wants to be "room mates." Friends with benefits would be another way of describing that. As a married couple, we are a pretty good team and have a good balance of family responsibilities. We have no passion, however. We are working on all of this stuff, but my heart is stuck on OW. Like I said, I'm messed up.

Hey there, calling yourself sadolderman in itself is depressing, i to suffer with severe depression but for different reasons, my health. But I do, reading between the lines, see some similarities.
This is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it, but I feel the problems not the woman or your wife, but YOU. At our time in life, I just turned 54 on the 13th Aug. so we are about the same age. The fact you picked a name like sadolderman, the lady in question is 29, and you are now just starting to question yourself about life choices etc. Leads me to believe that one of the main reasons you fell for this lady hard and that you can't let her go, is because you are older now, that you are not so much clinging to her but your youth, I'm personally fighting hard with myself to accept what and who I am now, but I can't let go of who I used to be. Do you see what I'm getting at? I don't doubt your feelings at all but I think you are projecting your true feelings to the young lady, partly because she is young, partly because you have a battle inside you to hold on to what's left of the person you once was, hence, you yourself not recognizing the way you are acting now, that this is not like you at all. Men too, go through a type of Menopause. So many marriages end as we all get to a point in our lives and our children begin to move on, grow up, become less dependent on us. You had your child later in life so this has all come together at the same time, your child becoming an adult, as they seem to do so much sooner these days, your marriage becoming stale, no doubt you loved her the same way as the young lady when you first met but because you was younger then you felt stronger and more in control of yourself and your emotions, you don't see it as the same but really it is, it's just YOU who has changed and you haven't seen it yet.
It sounds like you and your wife have grown apart, which doesn't help when you are going through an emotional tug of war, it's obvious you care for your wife but I'm not convinced you love her the same way anymore, people change. With or without this young lady I think eventually your feelings for your wife would have come in to question. You both have a bond, a strong one and it sounds like you are both intelligent adults but sooner or later, if not already, your child will notice or feel the changes, remember it's that age when they too are going into a hormonal upheaval, and they become more sensitive and pick up on things really quickly. Maybe even your wife had felt a change in you, are you both about the same age? If so she will also be going through a lot of changes herself. It's a wonder you all haven't seen all these feelings bouncing around your home, and even if you don't pick up on them consciously, then subconsciously one, if not all of you have felt these emotions and it has caused an even bigger upheaval in all of you. I feel you really have projected your own emotions and hormonal changes to the young lady until you cannot tell the difference about your feelings for your wife, the young lady and what you really feel deep inside. I think there is a lot of passion there for the young lady and if you was as young as she is, that you wouldn't be feeling quite as emotional as you are now, simply because you are desperately grasping on to something you know you cannot have anymore, your youth and knowing she made it clear that she loves her husband and had no intentions of leaving him, well right there, you are being told she is out of bounds and when we are told we cannot have or do something we want it even more, in your head subconsciously your need to feel and stay young are so strong but consciously you know it's impossible because we all have to get old and somehow accept it.
I think if you was to take yourself away from the WHOLE situation that you would start to see things clearer, get away for a while, if possible, and really think things through.
Like me part of my depression is because of my age, I was never ill when I was younger, I always looked good but now because of my disabilities I cannot do as I once did. I would dress nice every day, I took pride in my appearance, I was used to get stared at by men all the time, not as much anymore, so I passionately want to have some work done on my face etc. I don't want to lose what I once was, I so desperately want this, that I would do almost anything to get the money for cosmetic work on my face, neck, boobs etc. not to change me, but to keep a hold of the me I can't be anymore. I don't want it for anybody but me, it's hard getting old, letting go, becoming almost invisible. Not everyone feels like this and the transformation is different for us all, but in you I see the need to cling on to something/someone you can't have. That's why I feel you are scared of that change, just like your scared to lose the young lady and in your mind if you stay with your wife and settle back into your life, it's like accepting the fact you are getting older but your not ready yet.
Like you, I don't recognize the person I am now, it's not like me either, I'm usually so confident, happy-go-lucky, I don't like me anymore, so I fight back anyway I can. Get a tuck here, Botox there etc.and because I don't have the money, I want it so much more, so I lock myself away and won't come out.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you, or even if you understand anything I've said. I maybe way off the mark, but that was my first impression when I read your message.
I really think you need to get away and do a lot of soul searching, break out the older songs you like, look at old photos, jog your memory and see how it makes you feel. One thing I will say, I know for sure, until you really know what you want and don't just settle back in to your old life again because it keeps everyone happy but you, because it will show and your child will get hurt and feel it's because of her, especially as she will be a teenager too. It's always better to be honest with children otherwise they won't trust or respect you. It would hurt at first but once she got used to being spoilt by both of you she would be ok. But if you stuck around just for your child, then it could leave a scar and blame herself. Put the feelers out, does she already have her doubts, has she an idea what's going on etc. Give her credit she deserves, at that age they are so much smarter than we think. Sincere wishes it works out best for everyone and if I was you, I would put the young lady completely out of your mind, she's not the problem. Blessings Lorna x

Lorna,

I have to ask you if you could use paragraphs in your posts. I am older too and it is hard to read. You had a lot of good points too, but I am going to have to try to read it again to get it all. I would and I am sure the members would appreciate it very much. Thank you and welcome to the forum.

I do want to say that my husband it 16 years older than me, but we are friends. And that helps a lot in a relationship.

It does sound like you aren't happy. I hope things work out well for you.

I hope though that you find that you don't really need other people to complete your happiness. It really all comes from within.

Hugs, Karen...

Sorry- - -My bad=(  You are right.  I am wrong.

Post Edited (Dixie6) : 8/28/2014 6:02:56 PM (GMT-6)

I apologize, SOM,  as I should not project my experience onto others...gut reaction. 

Thanks, Dixie! -smooch-

I had to take myself in hand for a few minutes before I answered, so I understand. Truly. Relationships look crazy from outside. Or totally normal. No one call tell, except those involved.

But, OP, I do have to sound a cautionary voice here. Your wife knows more than you think she does. It is pretty easy to tell when there is something going on. Perhaps, the earlier affairs were okay, semi, because emotions were not mixed up in them. This last one was, by your admission, quite emotionally active.

Perhaps wife feels that because you were caught up in this last one, that it was time to take a stand.