Depression seriously affecting my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. I know we love each other, but often I don't feel it. I spend my days trying to keep as distracted as possible, so I can just go to bed. Because of this, my boyfriend thinks I don't love him, because I never want to spend time with him anymore, and he views the mindless activities online that I do as more important than him. I'm really scared we'll break up. Part of the biggest problem for me is that my depression tends to make me more irritable and angry than sad much of the time, so when we argue I feel exhausted and just snap at him. I say things I don't mean, and I feel immediate guilt. But I don't express the guilt because I feel distant from my emotions. He just sees what my body expresses; the pointless disinterest and anger, the spacing out, all of it, and it piles higher. I don't have the money to see a therapist or anything, so I don't know what to do. I know I have depression for sure though. My school counselor said I probably had it, and my friends with diagnosed depression know it too. I can't get medication for it, but I don't know how to fix it on my own. I feel scared and broken, when I do feel much of anything.

I just really don't know what to do, and I don't want to lose the guy I love over this.

lesweet1971 said...
Your say you're in school- high school or college?

Are you in a larger city or small town? Many larger cities have a free health clinic or a behavioral health hospital that treats people without money or can refer you to someplace that does. They may even have a referral for you for a therapist who would take you "pro bono", aka for free.

For now, try looking at the depression resources we have here on the depression forum. There are some good ones to read and practice while you're waiting on gathering info about possibly a free clinic &/or therapist in your area.

You're not alone in this. We've all been in your shoes or currently are so we get it. It will pass but you have to be willing to do some work with making some phone calls, reading and practicing from the online resources, etc.

You can do this and get this depression under control! We're here for you!

Sending love-
Lisa

Ah, no, I meant when I was in high school. I'm 19 now.
I live with my BF in the country, it's a 20 min drive to even get to a smaller city area. I don't think at this point in my life professional help is actually available.
I'll take a look at the resources though.

Blix,

you seem like a bright and intelligent person.

The first thing I would do is check for resources.

then write a list of things I do to avoid, like the computer.

You want to reduce the time you spend doing theses things and more time helping yourself or quality time with the BF if that feels right.

If you must be on the computer spend time on sites like

www.mindful.org and look up some of the books we have listed under our resource thread at the top of this forum.

there are many things you can do on your own.

Peace and strength
Trina.

Yes do communicate. It is so important to be on the same level with things.

Check out the resource thread. Moodgym is another good one.

I hope that you feel better soon. Welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen...