not the best this am.

I think I could cheer you up for a bit.  I'm good at cheering others, yet I can't seem to find a bright spot for myself.  You are not alone, whether in your happiness or your despair...We're here for you ALWAYS. 

I certainly understand how pain and sadness turns to unmitigated RAGE.  I get so totally pissed off at my body's failure to function, the unrelenting pain and frustration of performing tasks that most take totally for granted. I scare myself sometimes...I am a recovering perfectionist.  I "think" if I can keep my surroundings in order and under control, then I can control what's happening inside me.  I set very high standards for myself and everyone around me. 

I know...psychotic...working on that for most of my 53 years!  I've learned to lower my expectations of others, yet I am still disappointed by their failure to even "show up" for me.  So...I understand the need to go into (and stay in) one's shell.  You deserve the rest...but please don't stay away too long or we'll come inside and drag you out.  We care about you and simply WILL NOT allow this to consume you.

KNOW you are loved~~~Dixie

It is perfectly "normal" to grieve the loss of a friend or family member, especially on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.  It is perfectly "normal" to miss your fiancé and to feel ANGRY that you can't be there with her.  (I don't fully understand the costs and the bureaucracy of the move, but I digress)  Jamie, you've also been dealing with some serious health/vision issues, as you know better than any of us.

I don't know what your beliefs are, as I've read your fears and regrets (again, normal).  I believe that Jesus was born, crucified and resurrected.  I believe that he died for our sins and transgressions that we may live an eternal life.  I DO believe there is life eternal after physical death, where there is no pain and no tears...for those who accept Christ as their savior.  That's my personal belief.  I felt compelled to share that with you because I care about you, Jamie.

Having said that, I DO NOT know or understand why some of us must suffer SO from day to day. I often ask God "WHY?"  "How can this get any worse?"...I got the shingles in my eye/face...(kidding) but 5+ months with blinding pain in the cranial nerves ON TOP OF my already train wrecked health, I wonder. 

Most of my true friends are older ladies.  I have my chosen mom (86, but looks/moves like 50) who is my personal anti-depressant.  We "doodle" together (shopping, dining out, dancing to CCR & Rod Stewart, watching movies, etc.)  She is my BFF, but her health has failed horribly for the last year.  We put her on a plane to spend the winter in FL with her daughter.  I've cried ever since, KNOWING it was our final good-bye. 

I am physically sick as I type this.  She is my only JOY, my sunshine...literally.  She means so much to me and my husband.  There is SO MUCH UGLY in my life.  She's been the BEAUTY that for me, created balance.  I realize this is the circle of life...and I'm blessed to have her for so long.  I'm not ready (we never are) to lose her, but I have.

I don't pretend to have the answers, but I do know that if we meditate too long on what we've lost...we forget to celebrate what we have.  Life bites.  It kicks.  It blows.  The loneliness is the hardest, I think.  

We're here for one another.  HUGS~~Dixie 

Dixie