Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to start. I'm about
to turn 21 this week, I've been dealing with depression since I was about
11 years old. I've had it pretty much under control since I was 16/17, around that time I had really hit rock bottom and went on anti-depressants, which really helped me see things clearly after about
six months of taking them. I didn't continue after the six months because I started to feel like a robot, but it really helped me see things for what they were and think more logically, and that's the state of mind I could usually make myself go back to whenever I started to feel myself slip up.
I moved across the country when I was 17 for school. I'll be graduating in May and feel I've made very few relationships since I've been here (New York). My school is not very friendly, and it's very expensive and full of bratty kids that I have nothing in common with. My parents got divorced and my mom came to live with me for awhile which was great, and is something i've missed every day since she left in January. I have been dating a guy for almost the entire time I've been here, and recently it's been rocky. Yesterday I found out he's been looking at those live webcam girl **** sites and I feel completely betrayed. While I know that's not seen as cheating in some people's eyes, it feels pretty close for me.
I feel invisible in my school, I've interned for free for almost six months and have done a pretty kick ass job at what I do, however it's a start up and it might not be in the budget for the company to pay me after this semester is over. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My mom is back across the country. A bar moved in under my apartment and I get no sleep. I've been sick twice in the last two months and haven't been able to work out in two weeks. And now my boyfriend. I feel like my mom is the only reason I'm holding on right now. I feel like absolutely nothing is going right. I find almost no peace in my every day life. I feel dramatic typing this out, because I know these problems don't seem that bad. I just feel as if I have little to no purpose, and if I was gone tomorrow one or two people may truly miss me. I feel like I've accomplished nothing in the almost four years I've been in school. My mom has used all of her savings to put me through so I wouldn't have loans and I have nothing to show for it. I may not even be able to pay my own rent by graduation. I feel useless, purposeless, and largely unloved. I've always had lots of friends and now I've had none for almost four years. I feel alone. I want to scream. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I can't re-center myself. I am just so angry with how my life has turned out since moving here. I feel like I came here with so much promise and opportunity and I just failed. I'm not even sure why I'm posting on here, I have no real question or issue. I just need to let it out.
Post Edited (221bjl) : 11/2/2014 5:19:38 PM (GMT-7)