Hi Everyone,
I've been coming to this forum for a while now. Found it while searching for Depression support groups online. I'm running out of people in my life to connect to in regards to my long term depression/anxiety disorder and thought I would finally sign up and try this out for some extra support for myself and possibly give my support to others going through the same.
I'll try not to rant too much but there's a lot to get out so I apologize,
I'm 31 years old. I live with my boyfriend of 6 years. I do not have a college degree and I would really like to start a family soon. When I was young, I always knew something was different about
me. I have always been so observant to my surroundings and VERY in my head. Never had a lot of friends either and spent most of my days in my room with my stuffed animals. I started to act out and become sexually active at around 15 when my parents divorced. It was a hard divorce and left my mother with STD's she'll have to live with forever. This was hard to see at a young age. I've always been VERY close to my mom but I became pretty close with my dad after the divorce. He also suffered from depression, bad rage and was an alcoholic.
At 18, after my first week of college, I found my dad dead after he had shot himself. This changed me forever. It's been something I've struggled with daily still to this day. Everything else of that day/year is now a blur, except actually seeing him. That's still clear as day to me unfortnately. Needless to say, I failed all my classes dropped out and never looked back at school. I had recently started a new job at the time just a few months before and my boss pretty much took me under his wing as I guess a "father-like" figure. He was a CPA with his own small accounting firm and I was the front desk girl there. I was there for 6 years until he fired me for constantly coming in late....and still drunk from the night before. I partied a lot during those years with my older brother after finding my dad. Did a lot of and drank a LOT. Until the day I looked in the mirror after I was fired, and after finding a $20 bill on my counter from the 40 year old man I had just slept with to try and get him to pay my bills, and decided to get help. I got into AA and was sober for a year and a half. I moved in with my mom, walked away from the house I bought at 20 years old, and basically blew the rest of the $100,000 I was given from my portion of my dads life insurance.
My boss that fired me knew I was trying to better my life and got me a job through one of his clients as an office assistant at a small deck cleaning company. This is where I met my boyfriend I'm with now. He was a power washer and was only 20 at the time (I was 25). I ended up getting laid off from that place because they lost business and he quit when they let me go, and since I had decided to smoke some with him to try and get a break from my head while I was living with my mom, she got suspicous and made me pee in a cup at 25 years old and since it came up positive for weed she threw me out so him and I moved in together after only a few months of being together. We went through a big rough patch and broke up for a bit, and after sleeping with 3 different men during our few month "break" we decided to try and patch it up. We've been together (and faithful) ever since and have been trying to start our life together but things always get in the way. He's only 27 and just had back surgery back due to a severly ruptured disc in July so he's not working, he's been denied disability and is now going through a lawyer but it's been really hard being the one dealing with everything financially. So starting a family keeps getting put on hold (even though I know he's waiting till the right time to pop the question-I know he has a ring ready!).
As far as work goes, I worked for a cable company for 5 years after the deck place and recently left there back in February to get my job back at the accounting firm. my old boss finally brought me back after everything I put him through. I left a LOT to come back here. Although, during my 5 years at the cable company, I took multiple short term disability breaks due to my depression. I no longer have this option at the accounting firm especially since I always feel like I'm having to prove myself to him. I've also starting to realize how much different the place is. It's a lot bigger, there's more "policies" now but nothing is set in stone so everything changes. He's gotten way too big way too fast.
In August of this year, I watched my 88 year old grandma take her last breath in hospice after only 2 weeks of her going into the hospital for a simple back pain. Turned out to be stage 4 lung cancer. she had a week in the hospital, and only lasted a week in hospice. The office manager at work (basically my other boss) told me to take that week off and then come to find out, there is no "bereavement" policy in place so they took all my vacation without letting me know. Now, I have no day off in sight and there's no vacation used during tax season so even when my vacation comes back january 1, I can't use it till after April 15th and I'll be working 60+ hours a week during these months. What does everyone do as far as work with these kinds of conditions? I even looked into social security disability for myself but I know it'll never happen and since I'm the one holding us over financially right now, it's not even an option. But I know, I need to find a different line of work within the next year and stop feeling so guilty that he "brought me back". He did it for his business, not for me, everything is so much different since his firm got so big now and it's getting too big for me. I thought the familiarity would be comfortable but it's not. Now I just feel lost and stuck. The only job I want, is an at-home job doing data entry, or typing. Other than that, maybe working with animals, but not SICK animals. My depression episodes are so bad sometimes, I cannot be around anyone, and I really want a job where I'm not working with clients, talking on the phone or having to be around a BUNCH of people. I would like to have an afternoon shift because I have major issues in the morning not only due to my depression/anxiety, but I also have a birthmark on my face that looks like a black eye. I've tried to remove it with laser surgeries but it's $300 a pop due to the fact it's "cosmetic" even though I severely affects my well being. Having people constantly think you're being beat up is pretty devistating so I feel I can't go anywhere without makeup, and it's extremely hard to cover becuase some days it's darker than others. (it's called nevus of ota-it's usually an asian mark but I'm 1/2 italian and scottish). Morning jobs have always been difficult due to this becuase I am always late no matter what time I get up. If it's a morning shift (like 8 or 9) it's very hard to get to on time for me.
I should also mention that I was on 150mg of zoloft for 10 years and then switched to prozac for a few years after that along with wellbutrin. I finally got off of everything last january for the first time in my life and that's been really hard but a good decision for me. They made me feel too numb and on top of that, I have a LOT of anxiety when it comes to taking daily pills. The fact that I was taking pills every day almost made my anxiety worse which is why I got off of them and I have no desire to go back. I worry about
dying and getting sick and affecting my liver especially from everything I've put it through in the past. The only thing that ever really helps me is smoking some at night. It helps me unwind and I don't feel like I'm killilng myself slowly with chemicals doing it. I don't during the day though otherwise it has the opposite effect (makes me paranoid if I have to be around people).
Of course there's a lot more things going on, especially the fact that my mom and I haven't spoken in almost 2 months because of a falling out because she's always angry at someone and can't let go of the past. She's always been my support system but I've realized over the years how unhealthy our relationship really is. Mostly becuase I've been so afraid of losing the last parent I have, I've held onto her so tight and lost myself because of it. I had to break away, and it's been really difficult. I feel I can't move forward with my own life because if do something she doesn't agree with or understand, she gets mad which affects me way too much right now because I used to change myself to make HER happy so I wouldn't "lose" her. She has no trust in any man so she has this issue with my boyfriend and doesn't think he is even that injured (even though he had to have major surgery for it, but she works in a physical therapy clinic and thinks she knows everything I guess) and it's affected my relationship with him and I can't let it do that anymore so that's the main reason for the break from her. She says "I like him, I think he treats you well, but I think you will have a lifetime of unhappiness with him" basically because he's not working, which I just can't handle hearing anymore. Now I don't even want her a part of my engagement when time comes and that makes me so sad. She hasn't bothered to even check on me because she's mad that I'M mad at her. I refuse to give in anymore out of guilt. Lucikily, my boyfriend and I have a very good
open communication relationship. We go through our hard times especially lately but he's always there for me and accepts me for who I am. All my other family loves him but my mother apparently. She says she acts this way because she's trying to "protect" me but I'm 31 years old, not 16 and she needs to understand I have my own life and make my own decisions here. Hopefully this time off will help her understand I won't take it anymore especially since I've NEVER gone this long without talking to her in my life. But it's been extremely difficult not "giving in" to her. I'm constantly afraid something will happen to her while we're not talking and I won't be able to ever forgive myself. I have enough guilt I've had to deal with regarding my dad and I don't think I could handle much more.
Unfortunately, I have a very hard time connecting with anyone because I'm so afraid of abandonment, which is even worse after losing my grandma (my last grandparent, my mom's mom and we were very close) and I have barely any self confidence. I hate talking on the phone too so it's hard to stay connected to anyone. Things have been a little bit better and I'm back in therapy again, but I constantely feel so alone and so screwed up in my head. I just hope things will get better soon. It's been the worst year in 2014 since my dad died in 2002. It also sucks too becuause I know my mom is going through a tough time herself dealing with the loss of her mother. She was really the only one she ever could really talk to outside of me and now she's lost both of us. But I know I did everything I could to help her through it, I can only take so much especially right now. I have to take care of myself and stop worrying about
everyone else because I think that's my main issue.
Again, sorry for writing a book, but there's just so much going on in my head it's so hard to keep it short! I'm hoping to maybe create a support system here so when I do feel alone, I can come here...since online is the only way I prefer to do that! :)
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend so far!
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 11/15/2014 2:04:39 PM (GMT-7)