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Posted 12/3/2014 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi I've never done anything like this before so thought I'd try it as I'm in a very bad place!

There isn't a short version of this so here I go. Beginning of 2011 I got in a relationship, me 22 and her 21, we'll call her M. We were amazing together! Everything was so easy and we were mad for each other. We were perfect for each other and everyone agreed. She would tell me all the time how she could never imagine life without Me and how she wouldn't live without me. Last year we got our own place and at the beginning of this year we got engaged. Everything was perfect between us. We started to try for children this year and had to go down the IVF route to do so. In June she got pregnant. Our perfect world was all coming together! In July she sadly miscarried but we remained positive as we knew it was likely.

We were getting on with our lives, planning wedding, decorating house, planning holidays. Nothing at all seemed wrong with our relationship to me or anyone. Things were a bit down because of the miscarriage but that was all. 2 weeks after the miscarriage I sat her down to let her know that I'm here for her through all this and we will try again for a baby.

She broke down and told me there was someone else! She hadn't cheated on me but over last few months fell in love with another but was still completey in love with me two. This person was her best friend who is 37. She was in a 20 year relationship at this time and they just fell in love apparently and had to be together and that was that. She had made up her mind and left me. She tells me she wishes she didn't have these feelings for her friend but she can't help it. So she left me and I still don't understand!?!??!

Life was perfect for us! House, engaged, in love, trying for a family! Then just like that with no idea it was gone!

I'm in a bad place now. I can't stop and haven't stopped thinking about her since July! I break down regularly and need alcohol to sleep at nights! I'm very good at putting on a front round my friends and work colleagues but I'm struggling. I've tried meeting other women but I feel nothing for anybody else.

My life was perfect! I knew it too so I never took it or her for granted. Now it's all gone and I'm stuck in a hole. Please help!
Posted 12/3/2014 8:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi JK17,

Welcome to the forum. I have to start off with stop drinking the alcohol. That is a lot of the reason you are depressed, not all of it, but a lot. Daily consumption depresses us. Alcohol is a depressant, even if you don't drink enough to feel buzzed... So please do that...

We cant control how others think and what they do. You need to get on with life for your sake... Don't let her leaving rob you of a life... I am sorry you miss her and I am sorry she left, but it is apparent that things were not really going the way you thought they were if she fell in love with somebody else in the meantime.

It isn't what you did or did not do. Even if you never took her for granted. It is what she did. It is what she is feeling. This doesn't make you a lesser person in any way. It just means she has changed and wants to be with a different person. So whatever you do, don't feel guilty in any way...

I am sure it was a surprise to you. It would be for anybody. I am really sorry it happened.

But now is time for you to take care of you and move on. I am sure you will meet somebody that you will be happy with. Are you going to any type of counseling at this time? You might want to so it will be easier for you to continue with life and figure out what is important for you. It isn't healthy to live in the past and dwell on what may have been or what was.

I hope you feel better soon. Keep posting, take care of you now.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/3/2014 8:29 PM (GMT 0)
It's accepting her decision that is the hardest! Especially when she tells me her love for me hasn't changed. The fact we were going through with the IVF treatment for a baby when she was supposedly falling for her friend.

I want to move on and I don't think she will change her mind but I can't. I'm trying but can't. Especially when we had everything going for us.

I think I might try counselling as I haven't
Posted 12/3/2014 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
JK...I'm sorry that your heart is broken, but I absolutely agree with Karen.  You should definitely seek some counseling to move forward with your life.  I must add one thought that applies to ALL aspects of our lives...

"Can't" kills, emotionally and physically...hard lesson, but well-learned.

 

~~Dixie

Posted 12/4/2014 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
therapy has helped me. i send healing thoughts.
Posted 12/4/2014 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
You wouldn't think it but I am an extremely positive person! I want to move on and I want to get on with my life and meet someone else. I do want to do this as I know it's best and right but I can't (sorry to use that word) get her off my brain.

It's not through lack of trying or desire. Every little thing breaks me down. A song, a place, something I do which reminds me off her. 'Take me back to then' I keep telling myself.

I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak but it's nowhere to be seen
Posted 12/4/2014 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
You will see the light and eventually you will get her out of your head. It takes distractions. Can you start some kind of a project? Keep busy? This is normal really for somebody who might be falling in love. It just takes time. And a little work... You will get there because you want to.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/5/2014 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry that she broke your heart. No you can't replace her. What you have to do is work through the dreams that you had and realize that they aren't going to happen, and feel the pain. That is the only way out.... is to feel the pain. What you thought was real, wasn't real for her... she was falling for someone else. You were busy building dreams, making plans for children, pregnancies in you mind... and she was a cheater... this is the reality that you have to face. It's okay that you still feel. I would be shocked if you were not still raw. You;re going to have to walk this thing through to the end.

This is like the loss of a marriage and children to you. These are the kinds of dreams that you had in your head, and it's wrong of others to make you feel like its less. There is no need to make it bigger, but it is what it is. Looking for another woman right now is just stupid. You have to grieve the one that you just lost. But you have to get real with yourself about her too. She cheated you. She continued on with you when she knew she had feelings for someone else --- so you have to get it through your mind that it wasn't perfect like you think. She was lying to you. We tend to idealize those that we love, and it's just not reality. Nor is it healthy. Getting past this, getting through this is going to require you to tell yourself the TRUTH.

Hey --- I'm here. I can listen. Just don't ask me to accept something that isn't the truth.

Blessings and Grace,
Gina
Posted 12/5/2014 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum.

Your depression seems to be situational, if you stopping the drinking [it only masks the emotional pain] you will be able to process this better and move on faster.

In your eyes life was perfect. Sometimes we learn the very hard way that life is never perfect. There is always some amount of suffering to balance the good, so we appreciate the best of times.

Balance of good and evil, way life is.

She was in love with this man for a long time, I suppose she really never was yours to begin with. This maybe your first Radical Acceptance to realize.

You are not alone in this, there are so many of us that have been there. You are young and have so much life ahead, so many adventures.

Please do not let this one person steal your future from you.

Get counseling if you need to, pastorial, talk therapy, ect... what ever works for you. AA if your drinking is not controllable.

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 12/7/2014 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
It so hard. There's something that makes this harder. Harder to move on and harder to understand.

She has a very serious eating disorder which she will probably never get over. It took a toll on our relationship at times and she was convinced I wouldn't handle it as nobody could and I'd eventually leave her. I did no such thing and I devoted myself to be there through the worse which I was. It made us stronger. The time we were together, she became healthier than she had ever been and she admitted it was because of me.

Her best friend who she is now with, we'll she has serious ocd herself which takes a massive role in her life. She can't be near sick especially, won't go near a baby just in case. Has never been sick herself for 20 years because she's that freaked out by it.

Someone who is freaked out by sick with someone who actively makes themselve sick. Someone who can't be near babies with someone who dreams of being a mum and was so close to with me. It's like two live grenades together.

What's worse is M has already started to slip into old eating disorder habits which we worked so hard together to stop. Are relationship was more than love. I committed myself to go through all this with her and be there for her through everything. I can't just stop that. It's easy for someone to say 'let her make mistakes'. I can't see her health go backwards again when it was moving forward with me. I can't walk away from that, how can you when it's more than love.
Posted 12/7/2014 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
There are some things you can not fix in people.

Some issues can only be fixed if they want it to be and seek professional help. Just because they tell you they want it fixed does not mean it is the truth. Only they know the truth in their heart.

We have choices in life that are hard. It is called radical acceptance. Recognizing and accepting what we can not change, letting it go, giving ourselves kindness and compassion, and moving on with our lives.

Peace
Trina
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