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Posted 12/6/2014 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
pretty badly.

I led off as I said I would. I have to tell you something, and I am upset about it. I would like your help in devising what to do next. I know you will be angry, but hope you will work with me...

And then I told him.

At first, he was angry, but polite. After about 10 minutes, the swearing began. Then, it turned to '18 months with no real job. This cannot go on. You are not doing the things you should be doing, " etcetera. On and On. "I cannot keep on like this. This relationship is headed for a really messy ending."

On so on. After I asked him, quietly, to NOT do this, I got up, got dressed, grabbed my coat and purse and left. He followed me from room to room, still yelling. "That's right, run away. That's not going to solve anything..."

I went to the river for an hour and calmed down. Drove to a CVS and got some emergency personal grooming stuff, then drove to a library at the edge of the county. So, here I sit.

More in a moment.
Posted 12/6/2014 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
I'm here.  I'm listening.

((((HUGS))))

Posted 12/6/2014 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
So, my reaction.

Clearly, this is abusive behavior. Let's get that on the table right away.

Let's also be clear that I often hesitate or hide information, because this kind of reaction is a pattern. He has always acted this way, lashed out, and then after a few hours, usually calms down and is ashamed of himself. Let me reiterate, this has always been the pattern with anything that does not go the way he wants it to.

I am guilty of hiding information, only because he really upsets me. I am not proud about my omissions or silences. I generally try to quietly talk him down, then walk away and cry in the bathroom. Then, I either lay on the bed and listen to him as he slowly calms down, or I leave and go someplace else for a few hours, to let him get wherever he needs to be emotionally. I would like to break this cycle, but am not sure how. And, it takes two.

I am still thinking how I want to respond.

Bottom line, I do not want to be with someone I do not trust to help me. Someone whose first instinct is to lash out. At core, this is not a partnership, really. When things go wrong, it's up to me to fix them and him to shout.

So, that's where I am.
Posted 12/6/2014 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
I'm still listening.  I just don't know really what to say, because I'm flying blind here. 

If the problem isn't an unwanted pregnancy, or cheating partner, or terminal diagnosis...it can be worked through. 

It sounds as though he has rage issues.  IMO it's "for better or FORGET it".  No one, especially you, should feel that you have to "hunker down" or "disappear" until your partner's tirade passes.

You deserve better.

(((HUGS)))

Posted 12/6/2014 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
Myself,

I agree with Dixie, you shouldn't have to avoid talking to him because of his temper. Have you two tried couple's counseling? He reacts in an abusive way. I hate to see any relationship end. I am sure there are ways to mend this. We will put our thinking caps on for you and try to help you remedy things. But it has to be fair to you... I don't like that he has a fit because you are working part time. I am sure your income helps. You shouldn't have to feel so stressed to find a job with more hours. Though that would be good for you with insurance and all. But the pressure, it is too much from him...

take care and know we care about you. I hope your day gets better...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/6/2014 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry-the library computer timed out on me.

No big issue, really. Just an anger management problem that he learned from his father's parenting style, and is unwilling/unable to change.

He says he wants truth--I say I want to not be the focus of his rages--and that's where we go wrong. I withhold--he shouts. I tell--he shouts. He tells me this is what he wants me to do, but is unwilling to help with it. I end up cleaning up messes since I do not deal with things as quickly as I might otherwise.

This circular conversation has been going on since 2004ish. Otherwise, he is a decent and loving guy.

Here is the plan, short-term, AKA today.

Stay here at the library for another hour or so. Go have a quiet lunch at the family restaurant where I had my first job. Go back home, and see where we stand. If we cannot talk, I grab clothes and meds and head to my family's house.

It's pouring rain up here in the mountains.

We take it from there.
Posted 12/6/2014 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
I wish you the best Myself, as I have said before, you have a good head on your shoulders. You will be able to weather any storm... I just wish it was easier for you... I hope he gets some help for his anger. Things like this can really mess up a day... I don't like being yelled at either. My husband says I yell, but I just try to talk over him to get my point across. He has a stern voice, and often it sounds like he is the one yelling. Tempers...

I hope that this day gets better. Remember coping skills, mindfulness.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/6/2014 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
His argument is that I have three degrees, and thirteen years of higher ed, and so should be infinitely employable. If I don't have a job, it's because I am not doing enough to get one.

It's an overly-simplified argument. I have the soft skills, it is true. But, my degrees are in the wrong thing to make them employer-friendly. I am getting better at the camouflage in my apps (putting the degrees last, taking away some things for some jobs and leaving them for others,) but so far no offers.

This argument sprung from the denial by the state of my request for a teaching license, due to lack of 'student teaching under supervision of licensed teacher', plus a mandatory 3-4 ed classes.

Rock, meet hard place.

Time for lunch. Be well, all. Should be able to check in later.
Posted 12/6/2014 6:37 PM (GMT 0)
I can see why it is so frustrating. You are probably over qualified for a lot of things and then not in the area that the job is in. It is so difficult when you have college degrees and can't find suitable work. I know you are going to but when is the question. It irks me though that he would have such a short fuse when it comes to this. If only he could understand how you are feeling in this situation. But you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Or like a failure. Because you are not. I, and everybody here, know that you are doing the best that you can. Try not to let this get to you. Take things as they come. I hope that things work out when you two talk again. Know we are here for you Myself...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 12/6/2014 8:20 PM (GMT 0)
I am home, but BF has vamoosed for a bit. That's okay. Hopefully, we can talk like adults when he returns.

I do not doubt that I will find something, eventually. It is just taking time. The hard part is keeping the faith until something happens, and keep plugging away despite the let-downs. But, teaching for the public schools is off the table, unless I want to take courses and student teach. I am really not very interested in this, and would rather redouble my efforts on suitable federal jobs.

BF is worried about retirement, money, buying a home. He would like to live a certain kind of life, which needs two salaries. So would I. However, at the moment I do feel as if any contributions I am making are undervalued.

The hair-trigger temper and the judgment are his fall-back positions (I think from his family/upbringing.) It's not okay.

Thanks all . Hanging tight.
Posted 12/6/2014 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
I'm here too listening and sending you good vibes.

It upsets me for you, the way he reacts. I spent 9 years of my early life with a man similar. I had to walk on eggshells. I kept his abusive behaviors to myself & didn't tell anyone. He was abusive & that was a heavy burdon to bear. That time in my life was the first time I experienced & was treated for anxiety & depression.

Are you wanting to work things out? It's important to at least have an idea one way or the other & make a plan.

It's not ok & obviously not working for you, the way things are now. My therapist told me one person has to make the first move, fair or not, to make the changes for communicating ones needs & asking the partner what they need. And act on their needs (if it's tolerable/safe for you of course).

May I ask your ages & have either of you been married before? A partners upbringing can certainly explain why they act or react the way they do but if it's toxic, it's not ok. As adults, we are responsible for our actions no matter our pasts.

Supporting you all the way!
Lisa
Posted 12/6/2014 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
I am 46, BF is 55. We both have been married before, me for 8 years, and BF for 12. We have been together since 2001, long after both marriages bit the dust.

He is a very easy-going guy, usually. I have not, and do not, feel in any danger. He would never become physically abusive. Nor would he cheat on me. It is just when something causes this reaction, it's almost as if he cannot stop it. The conversation always turns out the same way. Always.

So, it stands to reason that I do not share things with him that are important to share. Eggshells, indeed, in a big china shop. I do not like this and I do not feel as if can count on him to have my back.

We have not had this kind of blowout since the end of the summer.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted 12/6/2014 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Myself-

I am just now reading this. My heart hurts for you. BUT, I have been there- gosh haven't most of us.

Protect yourself, your feelings, your heart.

We are here for you!
chele
Posted 12/7/2014 3:04 AM (GMT 0)
Myself,
You are certainly in a spot. The suggestion for couples counseling is a valid one which I will also encourage. Even if he wont go then you should. Typically employers are enrolled in eAp program which provides free counseling.

Not everyone who has advanced degrees can find work in their area....or wants to for that matter. Many times your application gets rejected because you do have the degree. relocation is not always possible.

What strikes me hardest is when you say you don't worry about being abused, but you are being abused. Verbal abuse is more damaging than physical. It sounds like you two are in a toxic pattern. Communication and listening skills are needed badly, imho. You shouldn't have to hide yourself or your thought just to keep things calm.

Please consider these ideas. We are here for you. I will be keeping you in best thoughts. Good luck
Posted 12/7/2014 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thinking about you today.....
Posted 12/7/2014 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
Silent treatment. No excess talking, outside of the necessary.

One of us will bring it up after emotions have cooled.
Posted 12/7/2014 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
That very uncomfortable silence... Take the time to relax if you are able... Maybe he will see things differently than he has been. I hope...

Hope other wise that you are having a good day. It is sunny here and I just went for a walk... Very refreshing. Very brisk though...

Hugs, Karen, Know I have been thinking about you...
Posted 12/8/2014 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
Myself, I'm sorry the conversation didn't go well. Your bf didn't handle it well. I hope things will calm down soon and it will work out.

UA
Posted 12/9/2014 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Daesin- I agree with all your points. Communication and fair fighting skills are really needed. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive. He cannot seem to see how the withholding info and his blow-ups are related, though I have tried to tell him several times.

I have suggested seeing a couple's therapist, and he complained that he would have to pay for it. That was said in the heat of anger. I am employed part-time, so have no benefits. He does.

My last relationship was also characterized by emotional abuse.

I also agree with your characterization of the professional job market. I moved to take two jobs, and we lived separately for 6 years. The second TT job was a nightmare, though I tried to make it work for 4 years. I chose to leave the school and move back with BF and try the job market outside of my training. I live near Washington, so am applying widely. I wanted to stay in the classroom, but the Department of Ed for the state turned down my request for a certificate. This is what precipitated this most recent blow-out. He intuited, correctly, that I not told him I needed to apply for a cert. He believed that the testing was all that was necessary. I thought they would take into consideration the 20+ years of teaching. I also waited over a week to tell him, since I wanted to talk to my therapist before doing it.

Currently, we are talking, but no touching. The fight has not been brought up. I am sure that eventually it will be. I am still very angry.

Thanks all for your support.
Posted 12/10/2014 1:01 AM (GMT 0)
Myself,
Please check all employers for an employee assistance program EAP. They offer free services without having the employer know that Jimmy is having marital problems or Sally is depressed. Employers get a report that 15 people have used the service this month. The program is offered through lots of employers. Give it a shot and even if he wont go maybe you could gain some insight into your choices and tolerances.

I haven't been able to use my degrees in years. I am in a very rural area...driving three hours per day is not worth the hassle with kids and a life. Especially in snow country. I have found that getting a job is very hard BECAUSE of my education. No one wants you. So good luck in your employment quest. I sincerely hope you find something that you enjoy - in or out of your field.

I hope that you ale to work through the relationship woes as well. why do we always have to battle on multiple fronts. I know women are better multi taskers but come on now. ;-)
Good luck!
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