My struggles with depression

I know I haven't been in much, and I am sorry for that, at this point I really know I have nothing positive to contribute.

I have struggled SO greatly with my depression this entire month or two, and at this point I really am lost.

I was so bad on Monday, I believe it was, that I had to end up calling the crisis line at my Insurance Company when my doctor refused to return my call, they did put me through to a clinician who was deeply concerned for my well being, to the point she had EMT on the way to take me to the hospital, when I realized this I had to ask her if they would baker act me, she said she didn't know, but possibly..but she said I really need to be observed and see if it is the medication making my depression so bad. I have never felt this low in my life.

Long story short she said she would not call the EMT as long as I made sure the minute we got off the phone to call my doctor and tell him I am in a crisis situation and question him on my medication....so I did, and got a call back the next day from his nurse, she said she would give him the message and to this day I haven't heard from him, I did make sure he was still my Psychiatrist and she said yes he is he didn't discharge me.

The clinician wants to set me up with a case manager, unfortunately I don't advocate well for myself and she believes I need someone to speak on my behalf being this doctor seems to not care AT ALL, to the point she believes some of his behavior is "unethical" and knows I will have to find another Psychiatrist, even though my daughter handled herself inappropriately, she said the staff did as well, especially getting in someones face being antagonistic and making a bad situation even worse.

I again called my Psychiatrist today, and they just refuse to return my call, I mean really? I begin to believe they take me as a nothing, that I will suffer and continue to suffer with this until I can't any longer, People I want to live I don't want to get this hopeless that I have no way out, but I am stuck and only getting worse by the day.

Thank you so much for being here, I know I may not be a favorite person in here, but you do listen, and sometimes we just need to know there is someone out there that will at least listen to us and care because they know the pain is real, and I appreciate each one of you that has tried to help me, but to be honest I am beginning to wonder if I am beyond help, If your own doctor doesn't even care, why should a complete stranger?

Brenda!

Stop that nonsense!!!! We love you!

I am glad that you were able to identify the signs. But sweetie, follow through. You may need some observation while they get the meds straightened out.

We are all here for you! Big (((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you can and you will. It may take a little time to get back in the groove of things. Have you ever visited "mindful.org"? I think it would help you a lot. There is a lot you can do without leaving your home. And you would be helping yourself get stronger. Get some books on agoraphobia. Learn ways to fight it. Make yourself take a shower everyday and do things that you need to. Do a little at a time so it doesn't get overwhelming to you. You got to start slowly, but you got to start.

I know what you have been through with your pdoc has gotten you upset. But there will be other doctors that can help you. You just have to find one. I went through three or four doctors this summer myself. But I found help. It isn't anything we like to do. It is hard to get use to a new one. There is good and bad of everything. Sometimes we have to go through the bad to get to the good.

You need some confidence and self esteem right now. Know you are stronger than you think you are. Hang in there Brenda. You are going to get through this, and you are going to do it on your own, because you can...

Hugs, Karen...

you have advocated for yourself very well my friend. these expletives are just that. know that we care about you. i care about you. you keep strong, and more so safe. with healing compassion,

I think that the "breakdowns" are good releases Brenda... Though it may not feel that way at the time. But everytime you cry, a little more comes out. Crying can be healing.

You could very well be going through the change. I did kind of early too. It makes you really sensitive and sometimes you feel very depressed. But this is normal for that time...

Looks like you are going to have to find another pcp. I did too. I went to urgent care for a uti and they took me on as a patient. IT is kind of cool because I can just go in at any time and see him. Though I will probably schedule appointments.

Things do have a way of working out. Often when we least expect it. Keep hanging in there, keep fighting. Things are going to get better.

Hugs, Karen..

Oh Brenda, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I believe you may truly be going through the change. It is inevitable, but maybe with that in mind, a doctor can better assist and understand what's going on in your body, and how it effects your mood. I really encourage you to seek out someone new. Perhaps a female that may have some empathy to your situation. I believe you were and are being treated poorly by your current doctor. Isn't the saying in the medical field, " first do no wrong"?? Well this obviously doesn't apply to their practice! That's just ridiculous! No wonder you are feeling so lost and horrible! I would too. You are stronger than you think. The fact that you can pick up the phone, or write a post to reach out, shows that! !!! I hope that you get the care and compassion that you deserve. We are all rooting for your recovery. As a side note, depression, no matter how deep, will eventually go away. You are not stuck in this place forever!! Hugs to you!

Can you leave a message directly to the Doc.? Is there a voice mail choice?

Healing thoughts.

Peace
Trina

Trina the doctor doesn't have a direct voice mail you have to go through the nurse, which she says she will relay the message, but I just couldn't imagine any doctor knowing a person was really in a crisis not calling them back at all.

Karen, I have thought about that myself, unfortunately the medication in 20 mg's is not scored and is more of an egg shape if that makes any sense, there would be no way to split it.

Thank you for the advice Lisa. I still haven't heard from a case manager, I did call my Psychiatrists office again yesterday, I wanted to speak to the office manager being nothing is being done, unfortunately the office manager happens to be the woman that my daughter got into it with, which I know my daughter was clearly wrong for the way she behaved, but honestly if this is their office manager they need to retrain her in how to deal with situations like this, and one is you don't do it in front of everyone, and you should never belittle the patient, she told me I need to be a "strong woman", and that this is not burger king or McDonalds where if you throw a fit you get your way.....I had to be the adult about it and ask her if her and I could go some where more private to talk, I think the damage has been done, I truly doubt this Doctor really wants to see me, but he really has no grounds to discharge me, I'm sure he could think of some loophole, but it would be pretty bad, in my opinion to discharge someone when they have called you SEVERAL times in a crisis, and you will literally do nothing about it, I was told yesterday by the receptionist that she sees I have an appointment January 6th...that is a long time to have to deal with this depression at the low that it is at.

I may see if my Insurance has any urgent cares I could go to, just so they can tell me how to get off of this medicine, it is doing nothing but making me worse, I thought I had depression before, this is like I am in the depths of despair most of the day, I can't even explain how lost I feel, that is really the only word I know to use to describe how I feel, so very lost...I can be with people and still feel so alone and this crushing feeling that I just know I may never be better, and that is hard to deal with.

Thank you for your concerns Lisa, I love you too, I am sorry that it is hard for me to talk on the phone right now, it's almost as if I just can't have a lot of human contact right now, merely going to Wal-mart to go grocery shopping took me over a week, I went yesterday and felt like a zombie in there, like I was walking in slow motion, and the world was going on and I was standing still...I think I am just a whack job!