i don't understand, why am i so depressed? PLEASE HELP

Just had very major surgery about 2 weeks ago. Most of the day I feel good, a new lease on life. Then I have some times where i feel so alone and i just would rather not be around. I refuse to live this way. I do not feel that living a severely depressed life is really a life. What do i do? My confidence is so shot, no job, just me and my cat living in an apt. building for seniors and i'm mid-thirties. Feels hopeless lots of times, but when around people and distracted, I feel pretty good. Better than i have in a long time. I cannot go on with a meaningless existence. It has to be something better. I will not "live" like this much longer.

Please help me. I really need help. Fast.

And yes, i am on meds and have a therapist. just no life…..

Thanks for the message Trina.

I'm really really struggling right now. Tears just pour down my face and i question my existence. Just got home from the hospital yesterday, but did leave a message for my therapist to do a phone session this coming week. Been coping best i can. Lots of distraction, just trying to keep my mind on other things. I normally go to a DBT group once a week, but cannot do that now, and in the hospital, people were constantly in and out of my room, so i didn't have time to get depressed. My attitude was so positive in there, and anytime people are around. Have the most trouble being alone with myself. I get lonely very fast, and begin to doubt anything and everything good about myself. I feel completely useless and worthless. Have the most horrible thoughts when i am alone.

This has to get better. I have lived my entire life feeling "less than" everyone else due to my medical problems, which i thought were all my fault. It's like coming home gave me the time to think about my lack of a life and that it's so empty…i have no job, very few people i am close to, virtually no self esteem/self worth, no boyfriend/husband. Just feel very alone. But trying to stay busy and not let myself get into the "pity party" mode. Listening to music and trying not to think. Tell myself that it is only 2 weeks post surgery & that it will take a while for me to build my new life. Just sometimes have a hard time believing i will ever find meaning and purpose in life, and without that, I don't see a point to keep going.

Any suggestions on how to handle being alone for the time being??? Will talk w/ my therapist tomorrow I'm sure, she knows me well, but seems like right now, I need to use some crisis survival skills if i'm gonna make it thru this in one piece.

Thanks for your help.

You've been through a major surgery - two weeks really is early days. It will be a few months before you're completely physically healed, but it may take up to a year to adjust. It's like unbottling a genie; while you're ill that's the main focus of your attention and all your other issues get bottled up. Quite suddenly, you're faced with a slew of issues that can't be bottled up any longer: you don't have debilitating illness or pain to take your mind off them.

And, let's face it, playing Crossy Road will only work for so long. Sooner or later, you have to take a toilet break, prepare a meal, go to bed. You can't take your mind off things forever. And that's when the bad thoughts strike: I get it.

I'm two years post-surgery now, and much of that time has been awful. I'm 40, unemployed, single, still living at home with parents, etc. It was like waking up from a bad dream that had been going on for years and years. I rediscovered the pain of loneliness. My bottomless well of rage overflowed again. And so on. But along the way I've been making changes. Or, rather, working on one major change, which is to move out of the parental home - something I'm on the cusp of achieving.

Things will probably get worse before they get better, but try to be patient and kinder to yourself. Carry on seeing as many people as you can, even if they're just professionals; I reckon it all helps (I wouldn't be where I am today without them). Later on, in a few months' time or whatever, start thinking about longer-term goals. Maybe you would most like a new home or job? (It can be volunteer or part-time work to start off with.)

Achieving just one or two things is a good, if not perfect, way to combat hopelessness. It makes you think "well if I can do that, maybe I can do this as well". The hopeless thoughts will probably still be there as well, if your mind is that way inclined. But at least you will have something, instead of zero, to counteract them with. But for now I would just concentrate on recuperating from surgery.

Thanks to all for the supportive replies. They are greatly appreciated.

It really helps to hear from you all and to know I'm not the only one who's had trouble post surgery, etc. I know it's early, just hard to keep my mind realizing that and cutting me some slack! Feel like i should have my life all mapped out already or something. Thank you for telling me that is not the case. Honestly, it really helps to hear that and be reminded of it. I guess if I had a friend telling me the same things I'm saying, I would encourage them to take it slow, to not beat up on themselves, and to focus on recovery from surgery first, then worry about the rest later.

@ NCOT-- that was the kindest and most helpful email I've ever read from you. I feel like you really truly understand where i'm coming from and your advice/thoughts are great. I will keep coming back to reread that again. Thanks.

@Getting by-- I think i listed my recent surgeries in my signature, but maybe didn't put that on this post. Anyway, I had a colostomy (and rectum removed), hysterectomy (w/ ovaries and everything removed), and a bladder sling (using cadaver tissue). So a lot happening.

Had some major issues post surgery….developed paralytic ileus (basically intestines go to sleep, stop working temporarily), UTI, and a few other issues due to the abdominal surgery and inability to eat for 2 weeks. Now at risk for refeeding syndrome (places stress on your body as you begin to eat again), plus had a fever and stuff for a while and lots of pretty bad joint pain from lack of movement and nutrients (although the docs kept giving me iv fluids and other iv nutrients). So, lots to recover from. Just gotta get my brain to slow down and stay in the moment rather than trying to jump ahead several months.

Thanks again for the support. Means a lot. It's nice to have people you can count on to help you thru the tough times. I hope i am able to give back and help someone else out in the future.

Sunny13 said...
@ NCOT-- that was the kindest and most helpful email I've ever read from you. I feel like you really truly understand where i'm coming from and your advice/thoughts are great. I will keep coming back to reread that again. Thanks.

Thanks Sunny! Really glad it helped. I felt like I went through an extremely steep learning curve after surgery that nobody had warned me about: I just had to figure it out as I went along. My stoma nurse did tell me at one point that it took about a year on average to really get used to having an ileostomy. (I know you have a colostomy, but same difference <_<.) Physically, it took 5-6 months for everything to heal up inside and every last twinge of pain disappear. And I only had a colectomy, not the other stuff you had done as well.

The post surgery issues get you down as well. Mine were mostly related to horrible drug withdrawals (Prednisone and oxycodone: I had inadvertently developed a physical addiction to the oxy :-/) The side-effects lasted for months, and really depressed me at the time, but now they just seem like ancient history. Hopefully that will be the same for you in a year's time as well.

This'll probably be my last post of the night, as the UK is a few hours ahead of the US, so it's gone 1am for me. I'll hopefully be signing my tenancy agreement tomorrow... >.> .Take care, Sunni, and remember to be kind to yourself! I saw a really good psychologist who dried to drum that into me: sadly her sessions have come to an end now, but I think her words have stayed with me slightly. And for me, that's really unusual: it's not deliberately meant, but most people's words don't tend to stick in my brain long-term.

Anyway, best of luck :p

getting by said...
NCOT, very nice and informative post. Thank you!!! Good to see you and you sound like you are doing much better. I am very happy to see that!!!

Cheers...

I'm always a bit wary of saying I'm doing much better, in case I have a collapse next week. But yeah, I do feel like I am doing better and that for the past year, I've finally had some decent real-life support. I also have a few excellent online friends, one of whom I met up with yesterday (the only one living in England basically <_<). That's basically why I encouraged Sunny to see as many people as possible. Some will be more helpful than others, but even the ones you don't particularly relate to can be useful as a sounding board. I've typically always been a reserved and bottled-up person in real life; I've honestly been surprised at how talking to non-judgemental people outside of my family has helped.