is depression ruining my relationship or is the wrong relationship causing me to feel depressed???

I'm feeling so low at the moment. Partly because I have yet again come to point in a relationship where I've become someone I hate. A cruel, selfish bully. All I feel will fix this feeling I have right now is ending the relationship, freeing my partner and relieving me of this inner torment.
I'm 35 and beginning to wonder if I'm literally incapable of falling in love or whether my mental health is preventing me from getting to (and staying) at that point. I've probably dated about 20 guys by now - the longest term one was 3.5 years (I was never really in love but he was so kind and decent). I think I've been in real long term love once but even then I sabotaged the relationship with the horrible emotion of jealousy and pushed him away.
Back to this relationship though, I know I HAVE BEEN HAPPY in this current relationship and I have for the FIRST TIME felt really attracted to my partner sexually. (That was my previous reason for leaving every relationship - no chemistry). I feel respected by this guy and we ave a lot in common.
But currently all I do is snap at him and feel so frustrated and angry. I tell myself before we meet at the moment to be happy and be kind even if I have to fake it because eventually it will rub off and I will feel it. But as soon as he speaks I snap. I put him down, I don't want to hold his hand anymore. I don't enjoy the things I did enjoy with him only two months ago, I find him less attractive and no matter what he does it isn't good enough. Yet he is still patient and thoughtful. I have started to push him away and do less with him, seek time with friends or alone rather than all weekend together. But when I mull it over and over and over in my mind and almost decide 'yep end it, you'll feel better', I can't quite do it. I already did once last year and I did feel a sense of relief for a while before replacing him with someone else for a bit and then rekindling our relationship. The thing is I don't know if the feeling I have is because I am in a relatinship that just isn't meant to be - a terrifying thought as to be honest I'm just so tired of trying. Or is the feeling I have coming from me and my negative thinking, am I blowing it all up to be worse than it is and are my negative actions and words making it worse. Because I know how I am treating him is so unfair but I can't stop it and I can't fix it. I don't think it is as simple as the love (or maybe lust only?) having faded away because it seems I have lost interest in lots of things n my life at the moment... sometimes I don't even want to get up as there seems nothing enticing me to do so...
My question is - has my relationship caused this low feeling or is my low feeling causing me to ruin my relationship...?
Does anyone else feel something similar?
Has anyone else wondered if they are incapable of falling in love with someone?

Thanks Karen. Will try and do so soon.

Sounds like you need to work on self compassion issues with a therapist, possibly depression dx.

Then deal a relationship.

Peace
Trina

Thanks 'pitmom', Karen and Trina. It's amazing how much it helps just to put it out there and get a response.

I feel some similarities to your experiences, I've not had a problem falling in love though but the mood swings and the self-destruction from sabotaging relationships I can totally relate to, though I've only been in two relationships that I can say I actually loved my partner at the time. For me I think I do those negative things due to how I was raised, my mom was nuts, hated everyone, even us kids, and I went through a lot emotionally and physically in my life of varying degrees, but there's always been something that has had a negative impact on me and it seems to have really affected my behavior in a bad way and ends up turning great people (well just one great person really) in my life off from wanting to be with me.

I just started therapy, first thing we're working on is my anger issues so that I can at some point learn how to cope with things better, not sure if it will work since I see myself as being unworthy and I also just hate life so much at this point I don't know if I'll ever care enough if it gets better probably cuz I don't expect it to...I'm starting to think our lives are already preset for us so no matter what we do or don't do it won't make enough of a difference--kinda like the reference people use when they say, "when it's your time, it's your time and there's nothing you can do to stop it (meaning in terms of finally dying) sure people have cheated death, some more than once, but it doesn't change the fact that they're still going to die someday...so I see life the same way I guess...I can try to get myself better but there's no guarantee that I will or that at some point I might very likely be even worse off than I feel today.

I hope you find the answers about yourself that you're looking for, other people can make life hard enough, it's even worse when we are also our own worst enemies so I definitely can relate and feel for you.

Thank you lo standfrustrated,

It's sad to know that others feel horrible in similar ways, but I guess at least we can support each other...I asked the therapist to guide me with tools to cope better with what I've been through, I'd rather just have my memories lost I think cuz maybe that would be easier...a huge part of the struggle is rehashing negative and painful events that we've been through. I guess if we can at least find good coping tools then that's better than nothing...if it works.

Please don't fear that you are incapable of falling in love, you know there are a lot of people out there that we find out are deserving of it and for you to put the burden on yourself must be really hard, my guess is you just haven't found the right person that is deserving of it but you will, after all there are many that fall in love to easy and get hurt too so it goes both ways.

Hang in there, it's a tough world and we're all struggling one way or another.

Sounds like you're obviously capable of love if you can love your animals...people make it harder than animals do to love them, maybe you're expecting that another person will at some point hurt you so you subconsciously hurt them first maybe? I don't know...I don't know too many people that deserve to be loved with they way they treat people (cheating, lying, crap like that) maybe you're just moody, I get moody and it definitely makes relationships harder when you're moody, people can be so darned annoying and it's frustrating. Don't beat yourself up too much, you obviously can't help the way you feel and maybe you just haven't met the right person for you yet if you haven't felt that special connection then it's likely more to do with that than with you...I don't know, I'm just thinking of possibilities that maybe you haven't yet but don't give up on love, when you find the right person then you'll know. And if you don't then take it for what it is I guess, learn to accept it and just have "fun" with people and don't look for something serious or long term if it's not in you to have that at this point...doesn't mean it won't ever happen though.

Hope that makes sense enough, sometimes crap just rolls around in my head and I try and put my thoughts together without trying to sound offensive to anyone cuz that is not my intention...to tell the truth I almost wish in many ways I felt like you, then I wouldn't have let myself get hurt so much for so long...being in love is probably just as hard as not being in love, know what I mean? Be patient with yourself.

Lost and Frustrated

May I suggest a book entitled THE MINDFUL PATH TO SELF-COMPASSION.

It has helped me tremendously.

Peace
Trina