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I feel like it's too late for me. My life is messed up

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Posted 4/20/2015 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't realize how messed up my life was. I started seeing a therapist for about a year and she basically shred me to pieces, pointing out all my issues and reasons for why I'm not happy. Apparently I am a codependent person and I create codependency. I'm lazy. I've had a million jobs since I was 16 (I'm 30 now) and none of them have ever really been long term and they've always been some ****** retail gig that won't support me.

I'm going through some kind of existential crisis right now where I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I have no hope for the future or in my ability to change. I am literally going nuts. The worst part is is that this is going on at a critical time where me and my husband have to find someplace to live in the next 3 mos because our landlords couldn't afford the mortgage & our place is being foreclosed on.

I've never felt less like an adult than I do now. And I'm scared but apparently not scared enough to take any kind of action. I feel like I should've had my *** together by now, but I don't. And to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. All I'm 'good' at is holing myself in our apartment and doing some chores to make me feel like I contribute somehow. But it's not good enough for me, and I'm so lonely all the time. I Just keep thinking "is my life going to be like this for another 50 years?".

I don't even want to live if it's always going to bet his way. If I'M always going to be this way. And I feel so selfish for thinking like that because I have a husband for gods-sake. But I'm so numb lately and unable to feel anything except despair and I just don't know how to get my life together. I've never had my life together. My therapist thought my husband & my mom were the source of my problems. Apparently because I've never really had to take care of myself before, I've always had someone there looking out for me. Maybe she is right. I don't know. I'm just so depressed. And even if I WANTED to get a job, my resume is in shambles anyway, and it would be hard for me to work again as it is. I guess I could volunteer? But I'm too lazy for that too apparently. I *** hate myself so much right now.

Post edited for graphic language and added paragraphs for easier reading

Post Edited By Moderator (BnotAfraid) : 4/20/2015 10:17:46 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/20/2015 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
wing,

welcome to the forum.

Sound like you need some self compassion and kindness. We usually can not achieve much in life until we start to live/love who we are.

This CAN change, I know this for a fact.


www.moodgym.com

Start at this link, see if helps.

Being numb, not feelings anythings is a sure sign that something is going on and your are just stuffing the feelings. Not wanting to deal with it, wether you realize or not.

Our resource thread at the top of the forum as about 5 pages of links, crisis numbers, books etc to help you get a grip on the situation.

Keep posting here , we listen and try to support the best we can.

Peace
Trina
Posted 4/20/2015 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you are beating yourself up at the get go. Trina is right, give yourself some compassion.

Start a new day... Be positive. When we are depressed, we don't feel like doing anything. Take a few baby steps in the right direction, even if it is just taking a shower and getting dressed.

Give yourself a break.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 4/20/2015 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
First of all, thank you. I had quite the pity party myself this morning.

Second, I had to go to Unemployment and get a print out of my work history for a fifteen year span and there were something like 35 places of employment listed! What a shattering blow to my ego! All this was so I could get on SSD. I've had the same feelings you describe.

Look, for me, this many years later and seeing things in 20/20 hindsight, let me say this...I got bored easily! I had issues! Changing jobs frequently suited my contrary nature! The best thing I did was work for a temp agency. No harm, no foul. If a job wasn't a good fit, just call the office and they'd find me another. When a job I liked ended, they'd find me another. Maybe this would be a good option for you too.

We were programmed to be co dependent. It is supposed to work both ways. The problem is when it gets out of balance. There is no shame in the label in and of itself. Ugh! I hope your therapist is going to help you get your balance back and not just sit in judgement of what she/he thinks is wrong with you!

Oh, and those chores you do at home? Let me assure you, they ARE valuable! Many of us wish we had an extra hand around the house!

I've had the same 'Is this all there is?' feelings. The answer is, if I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always gotten. I am the only one that can change what needs to be changed. Today, I went back to bed, had a good cry over being an adult orphan for 21 years now, got up, dried my tears and put some uplifting music on and started cleaning the kitchen. I used to use a timer. Lay on the couch for 15 minutes feeling whatever and realizing it wasn't actually killing me, then when the bell went off, get up and do a chore, or make a phone call, write a note, whatever needed doing. Then, somedays I'd reset the timer.....repeat..........repeat.........repeat......as necessary.

Hang in there. It does get better, if we take the steps to make it better, even just a little, even just for today.
Posted 4/20/2015 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
Well you're certainly not alone in how you're feeling....I could have written what you just wrote about myself too...and that's just one of the issues I've been facing, I've got a lot of other crap going on besides feeling the same way you expressed you feel. I only just started seeing a therapist, my second appointment with her is coming up a week from today actually and since my first appointment with her on the 10th, she's got me journaling my anger, we're starting with my anger issues that branch out to all the negative aspects in my life that I'm struggling through and have been for many years, I'd even say decades, but it's all really come to a head over the last few months and I found myself feeling utterly crazy, frustrated, sad, scared, angry and hopeless...

It's incredibly hard to live a life that feels like it has absolutely no purpose or meaning other than being everyone else's kicking post or door mat, including my own (I have some health issues that play a very big role in my emotional/mental unwell being so my body is even against me....that's what it feels like because that's what is actually happening).

I obviously don't have any words of wisdom for you since I'm familiar with how you're feeling but I wanted you to at least know that the way you're feeling right now is how I am feeling too, with some extra crap on top of my pile of poop life...you're not alone, if that's any comfort.
Posted 4/20/2015 7:03 PM (GMT 0)
I want you all to know, that when you feel like this; and we ALL do at one time or another, the feeling will pass!

At some point you will start to feel like you matter a little bit and self confidence will grow. It just takes time and it is a roller coaster ride.

I don't enjoy it anymore than any of you, but I do know it passes and I want to share this hope with all of you.

Peace and strength
Trina
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