WingZero said...
pb4, I know exactly how you feel. I also have Crohns' disease. Three years ago I went through an extremely bad flare-up that lasted two years! At one point they treated me with 6mp and that landed me in the hospital in an isolation unit because it lowered all my blood counts to much. I could've died. :\
Since then, my mental health has not been great, and I haven't been able to keep a job for very long for fear that the stress will cause me to flare up again. It has left me feeling defeated and lonely when all my friends, family and my husband all have careers or stuff to keep them busy and I have no real purpose. I don't even qualify for disability and the therapist/social worker I saw made me feel like I was just faking it or lying. They don't understand how difficult my life has been living with this. When I would try to tell her this, she would have some cliche thing to say like "That's what living with a chronic illness is like!" or telling me that others have cancer and they are still able to work just fine. Maybe she is right and I am being a big baby. I don't know. Maybe the depression is what is holding me back the most? I think way too much. I am hardly ever happy. I have learned that happiness is so fleeting so why bother. I hate that I think that way. I wish that I was a a more positive person but I've never been. My life has always been rough. I get so tired sometimes and I envy anyone who is able to hold it together. It's morbid but I feel like most of the time I'm just waiting to die, despite my fear of death. Maybe if I had a purpose, things would be different. But I'm not confident in my ability to care for myself, let alone anyone else right now... I don't know. Life is so overwhelming right now.
I am glad that there is a place with others who understand how I feel though. It's hard talking about this with anyone else because they just don't understand. Thank you for all your kindness. I hope we all find our path to happiness someday.
WingZero,
I'm sorry I just saw your response, I don't know how I missed it cuz I've been checking back often to see if you've responded back to any replies...so sorry, I felt like I completely hijacked your thread :( Glad I finally saw you're response, it's heartbreaking that you know very much how I feel based on your similar experiences and feelings, I have the same feelings as you--seeing others with careers, having purpose and meaning and a life not bogged down with a nasty health issue that causes us to be tied to the toilet not to mention all the pain and extraintestinal manifestations that go hand in hand with chronic illness (as well the stupid IBS on top of the CD) and you're right, it is soooooooo overwhelming and seems cruet and pointless.
I wish I knew what to say to help us both, I saw my therapist for the second time today, had so many trips to the toilet with this IBS and the appointment made for an extra stressful day...I know why now I put off getting therapy for so long, even with just the IBS alone it's hard to manage for me day to day let alone when both the IBS and CD were attacking me (exactly how if feels, as you sadly know) it's not fair what we go through, our own stupid bodies attacking us when the world/life alone does more than enough of that to our emotions and mental state...yes, same as you, I've heard the same remarks about
other people with cancer and worse things to deal with and I truly pity them but pity for them doesn't make me feel any better for myself or for them either, so there are worse things in life than what you and I are dealing with but that doesn't minimize what we are dealing with either so it's not relevant IMO....knowing others suffer with their own issues doesn't help or change or put anything into a different perspective and it's not because we're uncaring it's because some of those people that may have worse physical issues than us might have many more positives going for them in their lives, that doesn't make me envy them cuz honestly I wouldn't want to trade lives with anyone else on the planet because in some way everyone's life is sucky...and for those that are worse off physically and in many other aspects of their lives doesn't make me feel any better about
my life, I don't look at things that way so much, I just want to find a way to make my life easier to deal with, I still have compassion and empathy for others, that will never change regardless if my life gets better or worse.
You're almost like my twin WingZero, we have many of the same feelings, thoughts and physical issues and it makes me sad because I don't have an answer for either of us, no magic cure so to speak.
My first appointment with the therapist it was determined that we would work on my anger issues, anger about
everything and anything and for me to learn coping skills in regards to my anger since I have so much anger and sadness, today she explained that when you carry that much anger you're bound to have sadness and they snowball with one another, so now my "homework" is to learn to say "no" because I do everything I can for everyone around me but myself, I have nothing that's just for me, no interesting/fun/enjoyable hobby that I get anything out of because I basically have denied myself that so we're working on finding out why, if it's because I feel guilty if I have my own pleasures, or if I feel like I'm not allowed (due to having a controlling hubby) or whatever the reason(s) are and I'm suppose to learn to say no to things that I don't want to do because when I say yes to everything it ends up causing anger from that and it affects my mood which in turn affects the people around me...it's a lot and it's overwhelming but I'm giving this therapy a shot cuz I honestly don't know what else to do other than actually "end it all" and I've definitely been keeping that idea in the front of my mind which isn't good so maybe the therapy will help me push those feelings away if I can ever start feeling better about
life in general and at this point it's hard to imagine that I ever will, but I'll give it a shot and see, at least I know I have my own option if I decide I don't want to do life anymore...the main reason I feel that way is because the thought of not being here seems more appealing to me than the thought of more work and possibly not getting the results I want/expect/need...I'm a mess but that's why I'm seeking therapy after decades of being a mess and turning into a bigger mess.
Have you considered therapy at all? Or have you ever done it at any point in your life?
It scary cuz even trying to think positive about
turning things around and working to make things better doesn't really guarantee that it'll be worth all the work, so many people haven't gotten anything out of therapy but I don't know if it's cuz they weren't really giving it a chance or if they were just to far gone to get help or it just becomes overwhelming putting yourself under a microscope all the time because I'm starting to think that always being mindful sounds like a lot of work and I'm pretty tired from what life has been like for me so far but I guess I need to try an at some point decide if I want to continue with it or just say piss on everything.
I want to send you a big ((((((((((HUG))))))))) cuz you need one and it's the only thing I really have to offer you at this point and to let you know that I also know how you feel.
Trina, thank you, I do appreciate your kind words and support, I'm sorry you feel physical pain and emotional struggles, but I'm glad that you're getting a handle on them, you are a very strong person and I admire that because far as I'm concerned living with physical issues can really add so much more stress and negativity on top of life itself being difficult....basically those of us with physical health issues have a steeper mountain in our lives to climb up and reach the top and it sometimes makes me wonder if I'll ever reach the top and if it will all be worth it.