I don't know where to begin without telling my life story and writing a book lol. well I have been severely depressed the last three years. My bf of 5 years abandoned my daughter and I and left me alone, broke and praying for god to not let me wake up the next day. I had to move back home like a dog with my tail between my legs. I had to see a psychiatrist who heavily medicated me and I had counseling twice a week for a year. they deemed me "unfit" to function in society and my welfare program agreed. I only had to go to my appointments to receive aid.
I'm from a small town and I had major social anxiety, I had gained a ton of weight and was ashamed to show my face in public so I hid the best I could. I laid in bed and slept and cried that whole year. I also started smoking pot again to help with the anxiety bc nothing was working and I tried everything, herbal remedies, meditation, prayer, talking to my friends, therapy and perscript
ions (which over medicated me and I felt like I was in a fog all the time). Eventually I felt like I was bringing negativity into everyone else's life and after awhile, no one wanted to be around me anymore. This has effected my daughter and our relationship, she is 8 and I find myself yelling at her all the time. she is very adhd and not an easy kid to deal with behavior wise and I am doing it alone. I feel so much guilt, I am completely consumed with it. If I didn't have my 2 dogs that I love so much like my babies then I'd be in a mental hospital now.
I have a horrible mother who only makes me feel like a pos everytime we talk. I cannot have a relationship with her, I've tried. I feel alone and very unloved. I feel like im 31 and I can't get my life together, I still don't have a career or make any type of good money. my older sister (we never lived together before) offered to let me come out here for a fresh start, I moved 3000 miles away to get away from that town and my mother. I felt better until about
6 months ago. I have to be moved out and have a car by june and I get paid under the table so I don't have proof of income. I enrolled back in school and I am almost done with my first class. I am mainly doing it for financial aide but I want to try and stick with it so I can better my life. every aspect of it right now is so dark and I'm very unhappy. I cry all the time, I can't maintain relationships.
my sister is pissed at me bc all I want to do is sleep all the time and lay in bed. I ache all over and I've gained so much weight I have no confidence in myself anymore. I feel like I can't grow up. all my friends are married with families and successful where as I am still staggering, struggling to make it every day, financially effed, alone and I have no one to talk to. I was very close with my gma and now she is dying, I can't even talk to her bc she will get upset and my mom dictates our conversations so I can't talk to her like I need to. I feel so very alone, and I'm very scared. I find myself begging God to just not let me wake up tomorrow that everyone is better off without me around. all I do is bring them down with my problems that I can't figure out how to fix on my own.
I have had someone always helping my entire life and I don't know how to do it alone now. I have no desire or passion for anything anymore except getting better. I feel like no one understands and its hard for them to care or empathize. I cry so hard I get sinus infections and my eyes swell like I have pink eye and horrible headaches. I feel hungover the next day bc I cried myself to sleep. I feel uncomfortable in my living arrangements and very unwanted and resented. its hard for me to get up every day, even showering is a chore. I want to die but I believe in God and I would never take my own life, but that doesn't mean I want to wake up the next day. I want to be in heaven with god so I won't feel any of this anymore and that scares me so bad. I feel like I have no self worth, I don't feel like I deserve happiness or that it will ever happen. I even feel like god has forsaken me and that even He is tired of my *****ing and complaining about
feeling like this everyday. I need help very badly, even just a hug from someone would be so nice. thank you for your help and support
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/2/2015 4:19:13 AM (GMT-6)