hating yourself

So.. I'm a nineteen year old girl and I've grown to hate my self so much I want to just die. Or rather I think I deserve to die, I just feel selfish and self-centred and like I'm hurting everyone around me. Sometimes I just think Im loosing my mind because I get so paranoid and I get the urge to hurt my self because of it. I have no idea how to deal with all of this, I can't work or go to school anymore cause I'm too anxious around people and conscious of myself and I hate myself for being so useless.

I've tried for years now to be better and I've tried to take medication and speaking about my problems but somehow I just always find myself at point zero again and it's so frustrating and sad to see the people around me get disappointed over and over again.

So I am pretty much dealing with depression and anxiety and a burning hate of my self, looks and personality, and I'm on the brink of just giving upp.

Has anyone experienced this and has some advice? I can't ever see how I could care for myself, I just think I'm a disgusting human being.

You are at what I refer to as a critical decision juncture. In short, you need to take a step back, forget about all of the baggage and emotions you are dwelling on and micro focus.

I refer to it as baby steps.

At present, you are consumed with negative thoughts, your own personal analysis, life in general and where you fit in your social environment are all negative. You've hit bottom and everything and everyone around you seems to support this feeling. If you are going to attempt to somehow rebound, you need to compartmentalize your situation and attack the negatives one strand at a time.

Tonight, think of just one thing positive that you can do to make one element of tomorrow positive for someone else. Do something, anything for someone else that will cause a positive effect. It doesn't matter if they appreciate it or even recognize what you've done. As a person, you will know that you've taken a positive step to do good and you'll eventually feel some sense of satisfaction for it. At the end of the day you can tell yourself that you're not self-centered and hateful. Take the satisfaction of knowing you've taken the first step in making a profound change in your life.

The next day build upon continuing to make positive changes. It won't work everyday, it doesn't matter, the goal is to focus on positive change, one step and one day at a time. If you focus on small changes and recognize that you are changing your path to a positive and productive lifestyle, the rewards will eventually come. Ever day is a new challenge and a new opportunity; the goal is to make tomorrow better than today and every day a step towards happiness. You are not a disgusting human being, you simply haven't found a purpose in life. Give yourself time, take every day as an opportunity to improve and eventually the good days can and will outweigh the bad ones.

This process is building a road map to happiness. When you focus on improving yourself and your actions, positive change is the reward. Remember, it won't happen overnight. All too often it will seem as though your sliding backwards; this is when you refocus and accept the reality that change takes time. Start every day with the positive conviction that you will take one additional step towards self improvement. Eventually, you will find yourself happier and the person in the mirror will be someone to smile about.

How are you today YellowSubmarine???

I hope you are feeling better.

Hugs, Karen...

thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot to know I'm not alone and that there are good people out there willing to help a complete stranger.

I read all your answers and I'm going to apply to school this winter and go more outside, hopefully I'll get some routine so I won't feel so out of it and lost all the time.

Maybe I won't feel this down all the time, I've really been struggling with thinking positively and just thinking that I should keep going. I have sunken too that level ones before and if I go back to that I don't think I could come back again.

Thank you all for your support!

love, Harpa

Hi, Mi name's Fer. I'm an 18 year old girl.
I've had a very similar problem. Self hating, depression and and I have a lot of insecurities.
I've been in and out of depression for years. I've always been insecure about my body, even though people tell me I shouldn't. I have anxiety attacks and in those moments it's almost as if I hear a voice in my head saying I'm doing everything wrong, hurting everybody I love and at the same time a voice saying how weak I am for thinking and feeling those things and how I don't have the right to feel depressed when there are so many people in the world suffering a lot more than me. I've even come to the point of hurting myself.
But now I know something I didn't know 3 years ago; it is possible to overcome this and it's worth it.
I'm glad to hear you are applying for school. It helps a lot to have something on your mind. I used to read all the time and think about the message in the book, listen to a lot of music, watch inspirational movies and TV series, study a language and to go out, even if I didn't want to. It takes time, but eventually you'll start to feel that weight lifting from your shoulders.
My parents are very undestanding, but know this: You will come across people who won't understand this illness, people so close to you that you will be shocked at how close-minded they are. But don't let anyone bring you down. It's something very delicate and not everyone understands even the difference between being sad and depressed.
I thought I was alone too, but thanks for sharing and showing me I'm not alone either. And believe me, you totally deserve the hard work.
I hope you keep getting better.

Post Edited (f3r99) : 8/17/2015 7:35:21 AM (GMT-6)

It's tough to live up to your parents expectations. Mine are amazing, I love them, they are probably the smartest and kindest people I know, but they still expect me to be something I can't always be. This was a tough lesson to learn.
This may sound sad, but it's true: You came into this world by yourself and that's how you are going to leave it. No matter your beliefs and what comes after death.
The only one you can always count on is yourself.

Do you love your family? If you do then I ask you: How can you hate someone who is capable of feeling the most beautiful thing in the world? To love someone, understand them and accept their flaws? That person is you, so you don't really have a valid reason to hate yourself. You deserve more.
When I realised how wrong it was to hate myself, I took measures I didn't really believed in and felt I didn't deserve. But I took them anyway because it was what needed to be done.
Start by small steps:
1.-You deserve respect (even if you don't really feel like you do), so fight for it. If someone yells at you, call them out and tell them to chill. Start with small things, like if you are queuing and someone tries to go over you or if you aren't being treated accordingly by a waiter, you tell them and demand that respect.
2.-You NEED to have time to do whatever it is that you want. If you don't know what you want (or don't think you deserve anything) then start by taking a lesson of something. Random. Like piano lessons or dancing lessons. Go to the gym. Take cooking classes. Try and try and try until you find something that completely erases everything on your mind and there's only what you are doing in that moment.
3.-Dress up. Always, even if you are going to stay at home. You can't expect to feel good about yourself if you spend the entire weekend in sweats. That being said, it's not a crime and it helps a lot to have a break day to watch some Netflix and eat chocolate and chips and drink soda. Just don't let it become a habit.
4.-Talk. about anything. This will give you more confidence and practice. Talk to the cashier about the weather and how empty or crowded the supermarket is. Sounds silly, but it will help you feel a bit more normal.
Tip: if you feel insecure, look people in the space between the eyes. This makes THEM feel nervous because they don't know which eye you are looking at. It really does work. And you wont' be the one getting nervous because you are not really making eye contact.
5.-Do something nice for someone every day. Might be for your family or your friends or a stranger. It can be as small as just drawing a smiling face or giving someone a flower. You will make them smile. That's nice for them and for you, because you will feel better about yourself.
*6.-This is very important: Do something new every day. As stupid as it may be. Like testing that weird green juice your mom drinks or putting on that shirt you haven't used in ages but everyone says it looks amazing on you. Start with small things and then go bigger, like talking to that cute guy or trying to become friends with someone who you have always thought seemed cool.

All these things helped me to feel more brave and become someone I would admire. Someone social, skilled, brave, caring...
And create an inner voice to fight the negativity. Sounds silly and you might not want to try it at first but it helps.
Whenever I hear that hateful voice saying "Don't go out, you'll just spoil the fun for them, you are so ugly and dull, just stay and let them have fun. They won't if you go", I imagine answering "Screw you, I'm going to have fun. If they don't have fun with me, that's their problem. And what do I care if I'm "ugly"? Not gonna become a stripper, so it's not really a problem".
The more you feel depression holding you back to do something, the more you have to do that particular thing. Like going out or dressing up or having fun.
Not gonna lie, it's really a struggle. I'm still struggling with these issues. But believe me you will get better. I sometimes feel all those horrible things again. But now I know it's not really me, it's the depression. Life is better that what I was used to.
I think everyone has the potential to become who they admire, like everyone can be a Katniss Everdeen, for example. You might not be able to use a bow like her, but I bet you would do anything to save someone you love.
All it takes is a small moment of courage to take a big, meaningful step. You don't have to be brave all the time, just a few moments.
I thought this one time about really killing myself. Like a few seconds away. Because "I was such a coward for not speaking up in parties and going out and other stuff". So if I'm brave enough to jump ahead of time into the unknown, what the hell, I'll do the rest first. Can't be that bad compared to what I had contemplated to do.
That was the decisive moment when I started to get better, just a tiny bit every day.
Never told anyone that.
I have never seen a psychologist or taken meds because I don't really trust them. Probably would have been easier though, to deal with my problems if I had, but it wasn't the only way.
I'll probably have to remember these things for the rest of my life so that I don't fall back into depression.
I hope my advice will help you get better.

Thank you. That's a very nice thing to say. I don't feel that way though, but I guess that's part of my problem. I think you are really brave too. I think you are an amazing person, I know you won't give up because you are as strong as I am or probably more.

I get what you mean. I kind of found solace in my depression, as weird as that sounds. I was used to behaving that way and had found my routine. It took a lot of effort to get out of that shell. I felt exposed and vulnerable. But in time you begin to realise how much you were missing.
I've had that feeling of losing yourself. I was like the most positive person on earth. Always trying to cheer everyone up and I was pretty laid back.
After all my problems, I've become very negative and verbally aggressive. This makes me very sad because I sometimes remember how I used to be and feel like a faulier.

I'm so glad you've decided to keep fighting. It's amazing that you have that resolution because it's very important to make you keep going.

I may be out of line, but it seems to me like you feel guilty for your family's problems. Because it's twice now that you have related your problems to your family being a mess now. Do you? Because you shouldn't. They are your family and no matter how close or how different, they are the first persons that should have your back the minute you have a hard time. It's a two way street. I bet you have supported all of them more than once and you desserve the same. And no one should carry the weight of being responsible for their family's troubles alone. Everyone has helped and screwed up.

I feel the same way. It's nice for me to have someone to talk to that actually gets what it's like to have depression. My family is very understanding, but sometimes I can spend hours trying to explain them the basics of depression, instead of tellign them the problems I had that day. In some ways I'm glad they can't understand and haven't experienced what I have, but at the same time I had been waiting to talk to someone who did. So thank you for listenting and sharing.

We can talk about anything whenever you need to ;)

By the way, I love Yellow Submarine and love The Beatles <3 haha.

Post Edited (f3r99) : 8/22/2015 7:07:27 PM (GMT-6)